24. Self-help
Help yourself.
I can’t help it. We’re in love.
Third year of marriage, I found my husband’s secret.
He told another girl about my history.
They laughed, “Does this mean that she can’t get out for so long?” That’s sweet. I’m sorry.
I was crying.
And he fell on his door with a rage: “What is there to cry about? When you were violated, you cried so badly. I’m sorry.
One.
The day we discovered Qin’s secret coincided with our third anniversary.
He’s been on a business trip for six months.
Early this morning I got a call from Qin, saying he was on the plane.
But it wasn’t until 6:00 p.m. that he came home with a big bunch of white roses.
I’m crumbling on the sofa and I’m sleepy.
And when the beads of water were brought to Us, I opened my eyes and looked with concern at Qin.
He took a look at the bottle on the couch and he pulled his lips:
“Didn’t the doctor say that you’ve been in better shape lately, so can you try to stop? I’m sorry.
“…we only eat today. I’m sorry.
The deep sleep that drug effects bring to my mind is a bit dull.
When I looked back, I whispered, “Didn’t I get off the plane in the morning? I’m sorry.
Qin-sung moved away from my eyes.
Turn around and pick up the bottle on the tea table.
“Something’s wrong with the company. I sent an urgent document and they stayed for a meeting. I’m sorry.
He handed over the bouquets in his arms, and turned his eyes around, and he said, “Oh, I bought you flowers to make amends. I’m sorry.
“I’m going to take a shower, we’re going out for dinner later, and I bought a movie ticket. I’m sorry.
The sound of water in the bathroom.
I put down my bouquet and I went up and I tried to help Qin throw dirty clothes into the washing machine.
Just picked up the shirt and a ring fell on the floor.
Platinum rings, embedded in half-crumb diamond.
It’s exactly the same style I wear on my anonymous finger.
It’s a light that just allows me to see the initials in the inner circle.
Almost for a moment, my blood was coagulated.
The wedding ring belonged to Qin, not my name.
It’s szy.
Song Jin.
That name I’ve seen before.
Two.
Half a month ago, Qin was on a business trip a few days ago.
The hospital called and gave me time to review.
Even though Qin was busy at work, he went with me on leave.
After the examination, the doctor said that my mood had stabilized and that I could try to reduce the amount of drugs, even to stop them.
He added that a healthy and stable intimacy did help me to recover.
On the way back, Qin was driving and laughing and telling me he was my specialty.
Everything’s fine here.
Until midway through my favorite dessert shop, Qin was parked on the side of the road and lined up to get me some eggs.
But I forgot my phone.
The screen was on and the news just came out.
“Mr. Qin, there’s not enough white roses. Can you mix some oranges and champagne roses with those for Miss Song? I’m sorry.
“…”
I sat in my seat until Qin returned and picked up my cell phone from my seat.
“I remember, otherwise I couldn’t pay. I’m sorry.
I don’t see any cracks in the face.
But soon after I got home, I got a bunch of white roses.
Qin-hyun said it was to celebrate that my bipolarity showed signs of recovery.
Then everything is clear.
He ordered two identical white roses, one for me and one for Song.
But who’s Song Jin-rain?
3
I saw Qin’s phone.
He took my fingerprints in a long time ago. Maybe I wouldn’t even look.
In his view, I should have the sole and complete confidence in him.
Just like he did to me.
So he didn’t even do anything to cover up his cheating, and he didn’t even bother to erase his chat records.
Song Jin-rain, is their little intern.
Qin-hyang met her a year ago.
Because he brought her in.
She’s like a little tits. Ask Qin if she has any questions.
With the energy of 20-year-old young people.
Mr. Qin, can you teach me today? I’m sorry.
“Mr. Qin, let’s have dinner tonight. I have some questions for you. I’m sorry.
Then it became.
“Do you want to go for a ride tonight?” I’m sorry.
“I want to see you” movie, you know what I mean? I’m sorry.
Every present Qin bought me this year.
Large as the latest, small as a amulet.
Song’s rain received exactly the same.
Including, our wedding ring.
That time, they probably had a fight.
SONG Jin-Jun cried and asked Qin-hyun: “You must find me the same, and you must carve me and your name on it, or I will feel like I’m a little girl.” I’m sorry.
“But even though you are responsible for her only marriage, love is between us. I’m sorry.
I looked at the time the chat records showed.
It was two months ago.
It was raining all day and one night Qin was late.
They’re all over them and they’re all tired.
As soon as he entered the door, he came to hold me and kissed me on the lips when I had no choice but to hold the board. I’m sorry.
I didn’t know what was going on.
It’s only now.
Turns out he drove all over the city in the rain and went to a shop.
I finally found that ring three years ago in a remote shop.
I squirted my fingers down.
The latest chat was this morning.
“I bought a new pyjamas, Lace. I wanted to show you. I’m sorry.
It’s a very visible photograph.
Qinyan returned her two words: “Wait.” I’m sorry.
I suddenly understood why Qin was not home until evening.
And why, when I get back, I’m gonna take a shower.
Slipped to the bottom, she just sent the message:
“Even though she’s been through it, it’s not worth your life on her, is it? You didn’t do it. I’m sorry.
“And besides, she couldn’t get out for so long? That’s sweet. I’m sorry.
A strong gastrophasy ran up to my throat, and I held the wall, leaned down and weeded to my stomach spasm.
4
When Qin was dressed, I was sitting on a floating window, watching it in silence.
The sunset falls in the sky, leaving only the last red light.
I watched him put the ring back on his finger and smiled towards me.
It’s like a storm.
“I’m done. Let’s go, honey. I’m sorry.
I looked at him and looked at him, “Who is the rain?” I’m sorry.
Qinjiang’s pace has stopped.
He has come to me, and now there is only one step away, but it is like the sky.
“on your wedding ring, carved her initials. I’m sorry.
Qin was looking at me, and he shrugged his shoulder: “Well, I lost the ring before, and I bought it again, afraid you might get angry. The name on it, it’s probably engraved wrong. I’m sorry.
Bad excuses, utter rhetoric.
It’s as if I’ve found a reason for you to think that nothing happened.
I opened my mouth, I didn’t have time to open my mouth, and tears had fallen.
“Are you making this up when I’m three? I’m sorry.
“Quiet, stop it. I’m sorry.
Qin was a bit upset to pull the tie.
“Today is the third anniversary of our marriage, so don’t argue with me about this nonsense. I’m sorry.
Qin was right. He was always my specialty.
Because he was with me for the darkest part of his life.
After my cousin took his classmates with me.
When my mother had a heart attack, it didn’t work, sleeping in the hospital.
At a time when I’m beset by nightmares of bipolarity, countless breakdowns want to live.
I’ve always been with Qin.
From 16 to 25 years old, nine years old, I didn’t even think about the possibility of him betraying me.
The bitterness of pain has been raging from my heart, and my remnant of reason has been destroyed almost in a moment.
When I reacted, I jumped out of the window and walked to Qin and slapped him with all my might.
“You just slept with her, didn’t even wash your scent, and you came back for three years. I’m sorry.
“You told her the most painful thing about me, and she used that tone to mock me…”
What do you think I am? I’m sorry.
The last sentence, I almost cried out.
The slap was so hard that Qin almost missed his face.
He put his tongue on the cheeks, turned his head and looked at me, and the color was getting cold.
In his eyes, I’m clearly mirrored.
Her hair is messy, her face pale and her face is full of tears, like a dying flower.
And the naive and plentiful rain in that picture, it’s two worlds.
“Chou Jing, I’ve given you the steps, you’re going down. I’m sorry.
I suddenly began to cry, and with a great fear, I fell and ran to the tea table, trying to take my medicine.
Then banged and fell on the ground.
Too ugly, too ugly.
I’m crying all over my face.
“There’s no fucking day of peace. I’m sorry.
Qin-hyun fell on the door, “What’s the point of crying? Did you cry so badly when you were raped? I’m sorry.
5
I think I heard an unreserved explosion inside my heart.
After the sound of the blast, there was smoke and blood.
I finally touched the bottle and swallowed a pill.
The drug came up quickly, and I fell asleep.
Dreams, like nine years ago.
I was transferred to Qin’s class when my mom went to the provincial hospital.
Just sitting at his table.
Qin’s mother happens to be working at the hospital because she runs to the hospital every day after school.
I was 16 years old, a poor single-parent family, and my mother’s severe illness, and I was sent to my relatives for care.
Everything makes me humble and silent.
Unlike Qin, he’s the kind of guy who’s known all grade.
A review under the flag says that you should not play games in class, and that you can easily get the first light on the test.
And in that case, he actually confessed to me.
“You used to meet your mother at the hospital to cook and fetch water, to see you do homework in the hallway bench. I’m sorry.
Qin-hyun smiled and said, “And, your eyes look good. I’m sorry.
He took me in a little bit of that class and made me a lot of friends.
Mom’s heart bridging was also successful.
Everything seems to be getting better.
But life is like a dirty movie, and when it comes to it, it suddenly turns out to be something else.
On my seventeenth birthday, it happened to be a Saturday.
Qin-hyun and I had an appointment to take me for a ride along the coast.
I turned over one of my favorite skirts and put a little lipstick on it.
But when he left, he ran into his cousin and his drunk classmate.
“Where are you going? I’m sorry.
He laughed at me with a drunk voice and dragged me back, “Let me see how you’re growing…”
All along, he looked at me with dark colors.
But I never thought he’d be so bold.
I don’t know.
Qin didn’t wait for me that day.
By the time uncle and aunt came home, it was over.
They kneel before me and beg me not to call the police.
“That’s your cousin. He’s got a great career in college. I’m sorry.
“Your mother’s money for surgery or for borrowing from our family…”
Clothes rubbing marks, causing severe pain.
I looked at them, and I felt the sound in my ear, like it came from far away.
It takes a long time to know.
That’s Qin-hyun, 17 years old.
He said: Have you not seen the sea? I’ll show you the sunrise by the sea. I’m sorry.
Qin-hyun learned about this later.
With his support, I called the police.
When the police took my cousin, my aunt looked at me with hate.
She then made this a little jealous and told my mom just after the surgery.
Six.
My mom didn’t survive the winter.
Cousin and his classmates were sentenced to 12 years ‘ imprisonment.
And I began to sleep in nightmares all night long.
As if the darkness and the cold of the bones would devour me as soon as they closed their eyes.
After Qin had found a self-inflicted wound on my arms.
I realized I was probably sick.
He went to see a doctor with me, took pills, hugged me every time I got out of control, said he’d always be there.
I lost in high school and he read it with me for a year.
He knows where all my terrible memories are.
And naturally, how to stab, I’ll hurt even more.
I don’t know.
When I woke up, I was lying in a room surrounded by a dim smell of disinfection.
The sun is bright outside the window, as if there was no cloud in the world.
For a moment, I almost thought.
What happened last night was just a nightmare.
Until Qin broke in and stood by the bed and looked at me.
“You had a fever in the middle of the night and I brought you to the hospital. I’m sorry.
I was so familiar with him that the moment his eyes fell on me I realized that it was not a dream.
Qin, who was with me for nine years and spent the dark hours of my life with me, is cheating.
Even on our third anniversary, he went with his lover and came back to me to celebrate.
The memory came back to me, along with the pain of last night’s fall.
Qinjiang. I’m sorry.
I said, “Why?” I’m sorry.
“Quietly, I’m not in a good mood because I’m in trouble with my clients on this trip, and I just pissed at you last night. I’m sorry.
He lays down and gently holds my hand outside the covers.
“I won’t say that again. Forgive me. I’m sorry.
“…”
I closed my eyes.
Countless images, slides flashed through my head, like a broken movie.
Qin, let’s get divorced. I’m sorry.
The power of holding my hand has dramatically increased.
After a moment of silence, he said, “Give me some time, I’ll separate her.” I’m sorry.
Don’t play dumb. I’m sorry.
I took my hand out of his hand almost as hard as I could, “Is it important that you don’t part with her? I’m sorry.
“What do you want me to do? I’m sorry.
In his speech, he had a sense of impatience and irritation.
“Chou Jing, we’re all adults. You can’t expect me to set up my future and your future to save you like you’re 17 years old. I’m sorry.
It’s like a sharp knife to open my heart, and I’ve seen almost a red blood flash before my eyes, and the whole people are starting to shake.
“Once upon a time you have always thought so…”
Qin-sama had a twilight in his eyes.
“I didn’t mean that.”
“Of course you mean that. I’m sorry.
I saw a beautiful face in front of the room.
She looked at me, and she smiled at me, and her eyes were filled with mercy and self-interest.
“Why don’t you tell her, Qin-sung, that you’re going to spend your whole life with a mental illness? I’m sorry.
7
Song Jin.
Qin-sung turned around: “Why did you come here?” I’m sorry.
Song Jin-jin laughed and shook his cell phone:
“There’s a location system in your phone. You made a fire with me this morning, of course I should see it. I’m sorry.
“Sister Zhou, whether you’re sick or sick, you can’t keep a man alive. I’m sorry.
She came in, stood by the bed and looked at me.
“Sister, do you understand that people like you, who are with him, are his drag? I’m sorry.
“I’ve studied psychology, and know that people like you have been ostracizing them. I’m sorry.
Qin was silent and said, “Enough. I’m sorry.
“You can’t even give Qin a normal couple’s life to Qin, and you can’t tie him to you by marriage.” I’m sorry.
“Shut up! I’m sorry.
Qin Qin held her wrist almost towed and pushed her out of the room.
And the next second he closes the door, turns around.
I grabbed up the glass and hit him with all my energy.
And he did not turn away, and let the glass fall upon his forehead, then he fell into pieces, and the blood fell down with a drop.
“Sorry, quiet…”
Qin-sung looked at me, and his lips shivered, and he said, “I didn’t know she would come here and say that I wasn’t…”
Qinjiang. I’m sorry.
“Please, take your girlfriend and go away. Leave me alone. I’m sorry.
I feel like I’m shaking a little bit, biting my hands and fingering, and I’m getting harder and harder, until the finger section gets a sharp sting and the tip of my tongue gets sweet.
The pain brought me a touch of peace.
So I tore the wound with my teeth to make the blood bleed worse.
“Quiet, I’m going now. Don’t hurt yourself. I’m sorry.
Qin was anxious to look at me, and the fear and love in my eyes seemed to be inexcusable.
But.
He ran through the city in the rain, looking for a similar ring for Song.
Must be so religiously sincere.
8
Before Qin was gone, he asked the doctor to help me with the wound.
When he arrived home in the afternoon, he was standing on the balcony smoking.
When the smoke came and I coughed twice, he choked and looked at me.
“…wife. I’m sorry.
“Stop calling me that. I’m sorry.
I looked at him, “Qin, we’re divorced. I’m sorry.
“I disagree. I’m sorry.
He touched the cigarette case and put it back in an irritating manner.
The wind came out of the window and he grabbed my wrist and dragged me back inside.
And then hold my shoulder, slightly lower my head, and look at me.
“Quiet, I tell you frankly. I’m sorry.
“For years, you’ve had repeated attacks, and I didn’t want to leave you. I’m sorry.
“But I’m tired because you’re not moving, and I need a place to breathe before I can love you again. I’m sorry.
So, Jin-soon Song is the place he found to breathe, his tenderness.
This is ridiculous. This is ridiculous.
“Then we get divorced, and you don’t have to get tired anymore, do you? I’m sorry.
Qinjiang repeats: “I disagree with the divorce. I’m sorry.
I’ve had a hard time ripping my lips and showing a smile worse than crying:
“How can you disagree? You cheated on me, you betrayed me, you came home to hug me with the smell of the rain, and I spent three years with you. I’m sorry.
“Are you qualified to call me dirty? I’m sorry.
When that sentence came out, almost the next second, his face appeared in remorse.
“I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry.
I was just looking at him.
And it was divided into my head, rearranged in one word, and revealed the truth hidden beneath it, almost undisguised.
In fact, he’s always hated me for what I’ve been through.
Even, that’s not my fault.
9
Qin has moved out of the house.
Because after that day, when I see him, I’m going to lose my temper to self-harm, and I can’t even relieve the drugs.
I started sleeping all night.
Even with my eyes open, hallucinations and hearing will take me to 17.
I wore my favorite dress and thought I was going to see the first beach sunrise in my life.
And it was dragged into hell.
I can’t have any more simple pleasures like normal people and the smell of alcohol collapses.
Even the companions of those who love them are false.
I sent Qin a number of tweets to Qin, only two words: divorce.
If he doesn’t answer, I’ll call.
After that, Qin didn’t answer.
I think he also knows that we can never and ever go back to the past as nothing happened.
So he had to run away.
I hired a lawyer to prepare for the proceedings.
He told me that if the man did not cooperate, the process might be longer than expected.
I don’t know.
That afternoon I went to the hospital to get my medicine.
On the way home, a strange number sent a few messages.
Qin has moved in with me. We adopted a puppy together. We just walked the dog. I’m sorry.
“This is the life normal people deserve, he says, and not being dragged into your self-destructive mood. I’m sorry.
“Don’t try to get away with it, Zhou Jing, it’s so ugly. I’m sorry.
“You’ve got a hundred ways to do that if you want to get divorced, just like you did with your moral kidnapping. I’m sorry.
It’s Song Jin rain.
I slipped my finger on the screen and saw the last picture she sent.
A whole new wedding ring should be a new one.
Carve her and Qin’s name.
She knew too well how to stimulate me.
The suffocated mood of the heart rises, and I bite my lips and try to relieve my anxiety with pain.
I didn’t notice the footsteps that were approaching behind me.
10
Near the neighborhood where I live, new subway lines are being repaired.
All of the long roads were construction sites surrounded by steel.
It was also the next second I put my cell phone back in my pocket, and suddenly a hand came out behind me, pulling me from a gap into the construction site.
“Quiet, long time no see. I’m sorry.
In the white moonlight is a familiar and strange face, a violent face.
His cousin, who had been imprisoned for rape, had been released from prison.
“It’s been almost a week. I’m sorry.
He crouched down and hit me on the cheek with a fruit knife in his hand.
“What, your little boyfriend who told the police didn’t follow you this time? I’m sorry.
“What’s wrong with your mother’s surgery or the money she borrowed from my house? Your fucking revenge and your brother’s future are ruined. I’m sorry.
The blade pressed my neck and cut a blood stain.
“What time is your brother in prison and I’ll show you tonight, okay? I’m sorry.
The moonlight is so woven.
The sand behind me strangles my back, and it hurts.
My hand was still in my pocket, and I shivering.
The shortcut will call back the nearest call.
And my last call was to Qin in the morning. He didn’t answer.
Please.
Please.
Save me this time.
But there was only one sound and the cell phone vibrated slightly.
Hang up the phone.
The belt button unbuttons the sound of a crumb.
The moonlight of this day is the night wind, as it was when I was 17.
Cold and long.
Never end.
Eleven.
When I was little, I had an Andersen fairy tale.
I went through it a lot.
The favorite story is the daughter of the sea.
Little mermaids gambled on her everything, her voice and her tail, to find love that would not have been available, and eventually turned into a bubble on the sea.
When I saw the ending, I cried.
So my mother held me in her arms, whispering, softly: “This is not the true end of the mermaid.” I’m sorry.
“The real end is that the little mermaid realizes that she shouldn’t have put all her hopes on the prince. She returned to the sea and repossessed the fish tail. I’m sorry.
‘Cause the little mermaid’s mom says her daughter deserves to be saved and happy. I’m sorry.
Later, she was told by her aunt what had happened to me, and after several rescues she was unable to survive the winter.
The last thing we saw, she held my hand.
He said, ‘It is not your fault; be still. Don’t let this ruin you. I’m sorry.
“Mom didn’t protect you. I’m sorry.
“Don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid back to the sea, you’ll have your tail again. I’m sorry.
12
My clothes have been torn to pieces.
Outside the iron-coated fence, a huge van truck flew through.
I opened my mouth and cried in my voice, “Mom.” I’m sorry.
Probably heard that, and the killer’s movements stopped for an instant.
I held the paper cutter in my pocket, raised my hand and crossed his wrist.
That was the days I used the murder weapon from the heartbreak.
Turns out self-destruct and self-help were between one’s thoughts.
Blood was splattered, and even a few drops were splattered into my eyes, causing pain.
And when the twilight fell, the fruit knife fell in his hand.
Eating pain, he let go, and I kicked him in the face.
Then I got up, couldn’t get dressed, and I ran out.
The wind was whistling across the ears, the moonlight was rising, and the mobile phone was shaking in its pocket.
Maybe Qin was aware of the negative calls.
After all, even if he came back to deal with the divorce, I would only contact him during the day.
But it doesn’t matter anymore.
My heart’s moved up, and it’s like a bubble on the sea, and it’s gone.
Two passers-bys stopped in shock and watched my cheeks, neck and blood on my hands.
“…help me. Call the police. Call emergency. I’m sorry.
The sound of the sound of the ambulance’s flute struck me in a coma.
Wake up in the hospital.
The knife wound on the neck, which was a mess, was drugged and bound with gauze.
The first second I opened my eyes, I saw Qin, with red eyes on the bed.
“Quiet, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Looking at him, he apologized to me in a panic, saying that he had not answered my phone and that I had called again to ask him for a divorce.
He said he didn’t think that cousin was out of jail and that the first thing he did was follow me.
“I really don’t want to be separated from you, quiet, I love you. I’m sorry.
The cold, white light in the room and the young and handsome face.
I looked at Qin as if I had known him for the first time.
“Where’s Song? I’m sorry.
“You probably don’t know how many text messages Song sent me before my accident about how you were living with her. I’m sorry.
“We didn’t even get divorced, and you couldn’t wait to buy her a new wedding ring and move in with her. I’m sorry.
“How can I ever believe what you call love me again? I’m sorry.
Qinjiang’s face turned pale.
It’s just, before he says anything, the nurse pushes in.
When I woke up, she went out and called the police.
They told me my cousin had been arrested.
My knife was left unattended, the wound was deep, his right hand was broken and he would face imprisonment.
“Because the building materials were always dropped on the site, the workers had installed a simple surveillance system the previous two days, just in the vicinity of his reprisals against you, and they filmed everything. So your counterattack is self-defense, not fear. I’m sorry.
“Please be assured that he has violated national law since he was released from prison and this sentence will be doubled. I’m sorry.
The young police sister comforted me gently and reached out to help me with the horns.
“Get some rest. Everything’s gonna be okay. I’m sorry.
13
That night, I was lying in the hospital bed, up all night.
The moonlight was cast on the wall in the shadow of a tree, and it was as if it had brought me back three years ago.
We just graduated.
Qin was in the big company, and I stayed at home, and I painted with several boards every day.
At that time our fellow students spoke more or less, saying, “I dragged him down.”
Qin doesn’t care.
Even to reassure me, he proposed to me.
We took the certificate and had the easiest wedding.
No guests, no wedding dress.
Qin used a few savings to buy a wedding ring.
It’s a beautiful platinum ring, with a line of broken diamonds inside it, and my initials and those of Qin.
“The last time you tried, I felt like you liked it. I’m sorry.
Qin Qin put me in my arms, smiled and kissed me on the forehead, “It’s a small diamond, I’ll give you a big one later, okay? I’m sorry.
And I shook my head and stretched my hand around his lean waist, whispering, “It’s okay. I’m sorry.
At the time, I thought it was okay to marry Qin, even with a ring.
Because he’s the only family I have.
I’m still afraid that Qin will think I’m a drag like everyone else.
So when he went to work, I was home, holding the computer and writing it so hard.
When it’s repeated, there’s something special and bold in my mind, in my mind.
Although my life was a mess, I wrote many wonderful stories and even sold a few small copyrights.
I gave Qin almost everything I earned.
Qin has advised me many times not to be so tired.
He said, ‘I never found you to be a drag, a silence, a love, a couple, one. I’m sorry.
“Quiet, I want to take you to the light. Don’t let go of my hand. I’m sorry.
But he let me go first.
Turn around and hold hands.
The wind came in through the gap in the window, blowing the leaves and sand.
And We bowed down our eyelashes and covered the tears that suddenly fell.
Maybe when he first approached me, he took the young man’s cynicism and heart.
Love and salvation were real.
Today’s change and change of heart is also true.
14
A few days later, I was discharged.
Qin can’t run away anymore, but sit down and talk to me about divorce.
The lawyer split up the contract, carefully read the terms and discussed matters relating to the division of property.
“Seventy-five percent of the joint property is earned by my client, and Mr. Qin, as the fault party in the marriage, is supposed to compromise on the division of property. I’m sorry.
I looked at Qinyan with indifference: “What do you think? I’m sorry.
And I used to climb almost a vine he grew.
There has never been anything but salvation between us, for the rest of our lives, escape from the cliffs, and endless affection.
It’s the first time I’ve done this.
Marriages that strip off love are left with naked money and humanity.
So that Qin’s face became pale, and clear pain appeared in his eyes.
“…quietly, I don’t want a divorce. I’m sorry.
“Why?”
“We were together for nine years. I’m sorry.
Nine years.
Turns out he remembered, it was nine years.
I couldn’t help but laugh.
So what? Is it a provocation for us to be together for nine years, to get married for three years, and then you to buy the same wedding ring, carve someone else’s name and wear it in front of me? Or do you think I’m really stupid and slow, so you’re sure I’ll never find out your secret? I’m sorry.
He did not speak at once. He pressed his eyebrow hard, as he used to do when he was upset.
I suddenly realized that even at that time, even our marriage and love had reached their end.
I still remember clearly every detail about Qin.
It was indissociable nine years.
Apart from the established studies and work on the life track, he is the only one left in my life.
I had to take my medication when I had a temperament, which made my emotions slow.
And he was kept without reservation in the few perceptions and memories of the outside world.
Quietly. When you have an attack, my heart is broken and I fear you will not survive alone. I’m sorry.
Qin has finally spoken and his voice is mute.
“But I’m tired, too, and I need to be reassured. She’s not like you. She’s young, lively, bold and warm. I’ll get a moment of peace and joy with her. I’m sorry.
“But I swear I never thought I’d be separated from you when I did all this. I’m sorry.
I watched him parse himself without reservation before me and showed me those despicable thoughts.
At this moment, I remember Qin, who was wearing a blue and white school uniform and showing me a smile, was truly a reflection of the water.
Far as a dream, light touch, it breaks into countless pieces.
I didn’t see the sunrise.
He was not able to keep him at 17.
I smiled with my eyes open and I cried, “Come on, Qin. I’m sorry.
“Don’t make excuses. I’m sorry.
“If you are really tired of this life, you can tell me that there is no one in this world who can live without them, neither can I. I’m sorry.
“You cannot save the image of the Savior above me, which makes you proud and great.” You’re alone in a bubble, and even you’re about to believe it, and you’re just like that. I’m sorry.
“But, no, Qin, you are worse and worse off than those who have moved in love.” I’m sorry.
“All these years I’ve been with you, Song Jin-rain loves you. But what do you take me for? I’m sorry.
Proudly, the noble skin is cut open.
Qin looked down at me, and his lips were not even stained.
Good time.
He whispered, saying, “Okay, I promise to divorce.” I’m sorry.
“Quiet, I don’t want anything, I leave it to you. I’m sorry.
15
A month later, Qin and I were divorced.
All the marital property he left me.
Including the savings, the house we bought together, and he picked up my car a million times.
He took only one thing, the wedding ring with our names on it.
I’ve been thrown into a garbage can, and Qin has turned it over again, and the baby is in my arms.
The day he moved it out of the house, it happened to be New Year’s Eve.
I sat on a floating window with a blanket, staring at the numerous fireworks outside the window.
It’s like a lot of thinking and nothing.
My parents divorced when I was little.
Mom’s not well, always going to the hospital, always with me.
The cold wind in the small clinic, the faint smell of disinfectant water in the hospital corridor, constitutes the most ink-colored in my childhood memory.
At that time, my mother’s greatest blessing was my health.
“It’s hard to take medicine and hope we grow up in peace and health. I’m sorry.
But I’m useless, I’ve been sick all these years, and I’m not as healthy as she says.
Then I thought back a thousand times about that nightmare evening.
I shouldn’t wear a dress, I shouldn’t wear lipstick.
When my cousin entered the door drunk, should I hide in the small room?
When they drag me into the bedroom, my struggle should be a little more intense.
Call for help isn’t supposed to be a little bigger.
Or sooner, when it came to my cousin’s eyes.
I should be more vigilant and warn him.
Or just move out to live.
Or…
I wanted to go, and every second of that day was amplified to an infinite length, and it became my nightmare.
But…
Actually, it’s not my fault, is it?
I had a dream the other night.
Not many times have the bitter past been repeated.
It was warm spring, and me and my mom sat on the lawn.
The sky is clear, and there is no cloud, but a few kites flying high.
She said, “Silence, you have taken the most precious first step.” I’m sorry.
“Let’s move on bravely. I’m sorry.
16
When spring came, Song suddenly found me.
I’m not really surprised.
When I printed out those text messages and photos that she sent to me and sent them to their company, I had anticipated that.
The company is in a critical period of financing for the market and cannot allow a little public opinion.
Qin was a core member of the project and was temporarily unable to move.
But it’s easy to get rid of an insignificant rain.
Besides, I sent the same thing to her parents.
Song Jin-rain’s father had high blood pressure and was in the hospital.
Her mother taught in high school, and now things have spread among her students and she has been suspended from school.
“You’ve got some revenge, come on. I’m sorry.
Her eyes were red, but her head was still high: “Don’t bother my parents, they’re old and can’t afford the excitement. I’m sorry.
I smiled softly: “Mrs. Song, you come to me with such small things, don’t you think it’s sweet? I’m sorry.
She looked at me and said, “You are my loser, Zion. Qin will marry me.” I’m sorry.
“Unfortunately, your fiancé chose to leave the house when he divorced me. I’m sorry.
I’m still quiet, “So you won’t get the roses or the gifts in the short term. Let’s get a new job and help with the family. I’m sorry.
“Oh, I almost forgot. A little more regular companies do the back-up, right? And if they knew that Miss Song had been dismissed by her predecessor because of personal depravity, low moral standards, sabotage of another’s family, would they hire you? I’m sorry.
“Maybe someone who doesn’t have an agenda for you will give you a chance. I’m sorry.
Zhou Jing!
She screamed, jumped over and tried to hit me, and I held her up.
I turned my hands and slapped her.
“The person you should be looking for is Qin. I’m sorry.
17
That afternoon, when I left, Qin was downstairs.
He had a cigarette in his fingertips and he leaned on the lamp and looked at me.
It’s been two months since I last saw him.
His hair was longer and he was thinner, and he seemed to have a colder cheek.
“Silence.” I’m sorry.
“The other day, my mother suddenly called and asked me to take you home. I’m sorry.
“She said that it had been so many years and that it was time to go. Besides, when your mother was in the hospital, she saw you. She knew you were a good kid. I’m sorry.
Ah, remember.
Qin was determined to read it again for a year.
And the mother and the son will be cut off from him, even if he can’t be persuaded.
Qin took me to a rental house near the school.
She did not give Qin any more money than normal tuition and maintenance and refused to contact him.
Qin was really soft.
We have come to this day, both for good and for bad, from ourselves.
“Then I went home and told my mom about our divorce. I’m sorry.
“She scolded me so hard that I couldn’t last, since I was so determined to take you away and save you. I’m sorry.
The voice of Qin-sung was about to be confused: “Silence, it should not have been between us. I’m sorry.
It’s not right.
But whose fault is it?
I don’t give a shit about him, throw away the garbage in my hand, turn around and go home.
When I got back, I remembered Qin’s mother.
It’s a good man. I’ve never been in trouble with Qin’s uncompromising attitude.
Qin was the only one she had persuaded.
That night, I got a call from Qin’s mother.
Her voice was about tired and guilty and apologized to me for failing to teach Qin.
“It’s okay, Aunt. I’m sorry.
“It may be that between Qin and I was wrong or that he was wrong.” Any consequences are our own and have nothing to do with others. I’m sorry.
“You don’t have to feel guilty. I’m sorry.
She cried on the phone.
Qinjiang started texting me and calling.
He said a lot and a lot, almost sincerely asking me to give him another chance.
“Quiet, I love you. I want to start over with you. I’m sorry.
How can that be said with dignity?
I can’t help but laugh.
Qin, do you know that one time you have been unfaithful and that you have not used it? I’m sorry.
“Our feelings, in the eyes of outsiders, are always more expensive than mine. But no one in the world can really give in forever, and you know that I’m just sick, but the love I give you is not half less than you give me. I’m sorry.
“So many times, when you come back from work and complain about your work difficulties, and when your leadership is in trouble, I may not be able to say anything nice, but I will hold you tight. You said you wanted to quit, I said yes. I have a draft to feed you. I’m sorry.
“We’re equal, you didn’t save me once, and I’ll always be inferior to you. I’m sorry.
“I am truly grateful and in love with Qin, 17 years old. He loved me with enthusiasm and without reservation. Not that you are twenty-six years old. You only want half of your enthusiasm, but you want all my heart. I’m sorry.
Qin, we can never go back to the past. I’m sorry.
18
I haven’t been in touch since that day.
And I heard about him again, in the news.
Song Jin-rain was pregnant with his child, and Qin-hyun refused to marry her anyway.
Song was pushed down by Qin and fell from the stairs.
The child is gone, the organs are removed, and she can no longer bear.
The doctor issued a report on the injuries.
Song Jin-rain’s parents brought Qin to court and he will face prison conditions.
It’s a lie to run all over the city looking for a ring.
After a human rip, there’s only a chicken hair.
Hard to see.
I bought a bunch of champagne roses and went to the hospital to see the rain.
Scrawny body in a suit, like a half-way flower.
She looked at me, and her lips were white because of the loss of blood, and there was no beauty in her eyes.
We put the flowers on the head of the bed, staring at her and whispering, “A little thing will pass.” I’m sorry.
“Don’t think about it. I’m sorry.
She looked at me, and the emotion came out of her eyes.
Maybe it’s remorse, maybe it’s hate.
I don’t care to tell anymore.
On the way back, sunset sank.
I sat in the car and looked down at the phone.
There was a private letter from a reader asking me what kind of story to write next.
And I looked down, and I bended my lips, “Save Me.” I’m sorry.
“A man can climb out of the abyss and catch the sunrise of the morning.” I’m sorry.
(concluded full text)
Case number: YXX1jKJKJEv2xxxRKMOC9ldw
I can’t help it. We’re in love.
Chocolate A-hwasyan.
x
I don’t know.
Keep your eyes on the road.
