How to get out of self-denial and self-doubt?
First of all, I would like to say that this is not really a question of confidence. And don’t be so “confident.”.
First of all, I would like to say that this is not really a question of confidence. And don’t be so “confident.”.
In fact, we often say that “self-confidence” is a typical concept that has been overpraised. It is a relatively superficial thing, and it is not as useful as most people think. What is
confidence?
A pleasant feeling of believing that you have the ability to do something successfully and having absolute confidence in your ability. How
do self-denial and self-doubt occur?
When you do something wrong or mess up, such as a rejection of a confession, a failed interview, a broken friendship, etc., you feel remorse, remorse, guilt, and think, “Why not be more prepared?”? Might as well not go! I’m just not good enough. I’m not charming enough!
But when you do something right and achieve a brilliant result, besides feeling a little happy for the first time, you may be more likely to feel “overwhelmed” or even “panicked” — “This is the luck of the dog shit, right?” It is easy for you to attribute your success to luck instead of believing that it is because of your own strength, so you always feel that you have got a reward that you shouldn’t have, and you can’t do it next time. You are afraid of being hit in the face and being seen through. Both of these situations, which seem
to be completely opposite, make it very easy for you to have negative thoughts such as “I’m wrong, I can’t, I’m not worth it, I don’t deserve it.” This is when you fall into self-denial and self-doubt.
The more you doubt and deny yourself, the more anxious and nervous you are when you encounter problems and challenges, and you can’t play your original level, or you are indecisive and hesitant, thus missing opportunities.
In the long run, the belief that “I can’t do it, I can’t do it” will gradually deepen in the heart, thus forming a vicious circle.
So, is this situation caused by “lack of self-confidence”? Can it be solved
by improving the so-called “self-confidence”?
How can we get out of the vicious circle of self-denial and self-doubt?
I hope this answer can give you some ideas or inspiration.
The full text of 7000 words, spent more than 10 hours, there are subtitles, in fact, it is easy to read, then please take your time.
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The picture is from the Korean drama “Run on”
1. Why is this not a question about “self-confidence”? How to correctly understand “self-confidence”
? “You have to be confident!” In
daily life, when you are nervous, timid, timid, anxious, self-doubting, insecure or stressed in the face of difficulties and challenges at certain important moments or occasions, many people around you will blurt out this advice. “Self-confidence” is like a universal antidote, which is easily prescribed. “Sent” to you.
However, does it work?
No. Hardly. Even if there is a little bit of use, it is only a very short and very small effect, and this small effect may be your illusion, in fact, can not be trusted.
Because what you can’t “actually” do, even if you force yourself to suddenly become confident, you still can’t do. This kind of “self-confidence,” or the “sense of superiority” that arises out of thin air, is actually “self-deception.”.
You need to know that self-confidence is never a tool that can help you create a specific skill or ability from scratch, nor can it help you improve a specific ability unless you devote time and effort to deliberate practice, practice and optimization of this skill. The feeling of confidence, or superiority, that
you may gain by struggling to control yourself with energy and energy, may only help you to show the strength of a specific skill you already have, so that the strength can be shown as much as possible. At this time, this so-called self-confidence helps you relieve a little tension, divert your attention, and play a little role, that’s all.
Perhaps people who have self-confidence themselves seem to be more advantageous than those who lack self-confidence. However, people who are already not confident and lack self-confidence want to achieve their goals by practicing and improving their so-called self-confidence, which is really unreliable and uneconomical.
Therefore, “self-confidence” is not something that can be taken at will, nor is it a tool or means to overcome inferiority, get rid of self-confidence, build self-confidence, and enhance self-confidence.
In fact, self-confidence is a psychological state that is difficult to sustain, and self-confidence can not be transferred to other things.
For example, my handwriting is very beautiful. Since junior high school, I have been envied by my classmates and praised by my teachers, which makes me confident in my handwriting. However, can this confidence help me get more points in exams when I don’t study hard at ordinary times?
Unable. Handwriting is good-looking, beautiful, natural and unrestrained, and the questions you answer correctly will not be deducted, but the questions you answer incorrectly will not get points because of the good-looking words.
So, these general questions, such as
, “How can I change my inferiority complex?”
“What should I do if I am not confident?”
“Why am I better than many people around me, but I still feel inferior?”
“How to get rid of constant self-denial and self-doubt?”
……
In fact, it can not be easily solved by overcoming inferiority and improving self-confidence. “Boosting self-confidence” is only an occasional palliative, but it can never be a permanent cure.
“Lack of self-confidence” refers to the distrust of one’s own ability, judgment, and behavior, and the long-term and constant “self-denial and self-doubt” is caused by things and people. From the initial suspicion that one cannot do something, it gradually goes deep into the denial of one’s own overall value. This is simply a kind of self-attack. It can be said that “self-denial and self-doubt” are much more serious than “lack of confidence.”.
Therefore, it is not a question of “self-confidence” at all to get out of constant self-denial and self-doubt. They are,
in fact, questions about self-esteem.
It can be said that the essence of inferiority, lack of self-confidence, self-denial, and self-doubt is “low self-esteem.”.
Therefore, in order to get rid of constant self-denial and self-doubt, the first problem we need to solve is how to break down low self-esteem and rebuild healthy self-esteem, rather than improving the so-called self-confidence which is simple and pleasant to listen to but not easy to use.
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2. What is “self-esteem”? Why do we say that the essence of self-denial and self-doubt is “low self-esteem”?
What is “self-esteem”? When you were
in school, maybe you didn’t put too much thought into your studies for a certain period of time, so you did poorly in several exams in a row. Finally, one day, your mother was so angry that she shouted, “Can’t you have a little self-esteem?”? With so few points, I’m ashamed of you! When the need for beauty begins to set in during
adolescence, it is inevitable that girls will be told by their parents, “You can’t wear short skirts. Girls should” respect themselves! ” “Self-esteem” is mentioned
above, but in fact, the former refers to “face” and “shame”, while the latter refers to a kind of “shame” and “self-love” based on public morality or social discipline. However, neither of them can represent the core meaning of “self-esteem”.
In fact, what is called “self-esteem” in psychology corresponds to “self-assessment,” “self-acceptance,” and “sense of self-worth.”. It refers to a person’s overall evaluation of themselves-your subjective sense of your abilities and limitations. It can also be said that it is a confirmation of your sense of existence and value as a human being.
In order to distinguish it from the daily “self-esteem”, we can call it “overall self-esteem”.
Generally speaking, a person’s overall level of self-esteem falls into the following three categories:
“Healthy self-esteem”: When a person can generally accept himself as he really is, and can relatively respect and appreciate himself; when he feels that even if he has some human weaknesses and deficiencies, he also has intrinsic value; A person who feels entitled to a place in the world can basically be said to have “healthy self-esteem.”. People
with healthy self-esteem can look at themselves in a more comprehensive, balanced and objective way, instead of evaluating their value entirely by the social evaluation system and the recognition of others. Therefore, their overall evaluation of themselves, that is, “core self-beliefs,” is biased toward the positive.
“Low self-esteem”: When a person feels that their real self is weak, not good enough, lacking or even inferior in some way, they often suffer from uncertainty and self-doubt, and often have a harsh and critical attitude towards themselves, or it is difficult for them to feel that they have real value. If you even feel that you are not qualified to enjoy the good things in life, then this person is likely to have “low self-esteem,” that is, “low self-esteem.”. People
with low self-esteem rely too much on social standards and other people’s recognition of themselves to define their own value. As a matter of fact, “inferiority” belongs to low self-esteem, and its core essence is that the overall evaluation of oneself is biased toward the negative. That is to say, the essence of low self-esteem is “negative self-belief.”.
“High self-esteem” If a person is arrogant, believes that he is perfect, feels that he can do whatever he wants, always puts his own needs first, and always feels that he is a natural talent, then he can easily be labeled as “narcissistic.” In fact, ta is Overly high self esteem, that is, “excessively high self-esteem.”. In fact, it is unhealthy, because such people often ignore the shortcomings of normal people, they are too correct and perfect, think that they will not be wrong, will not fail, and can not accept criticism and so on, in short, will lead to many problems.
In fact, people with excessively high self-esteem, compared with those with low self-esteem, have the other extreme of not very good self-belief, both of which can not look at themselves more comprehensively and objectively, leading to problems. So in fact, it can be said that the essence of “excessively high self-esteem” is also “low self-esteem.”.
So how did the problem of self-esteem, or “low self-esteem,” first arise?
If a person has received a lot of negative feedback from important family members, teachers, classmates and friends when they were young, including not being noticed, ignored, and often criticized, teased and even belittled, it is easy for them to think that their “true self” is not loved, needed, valued and valuable. In the
long run, this kind of “negative self-belief” will take root and sprout in their hearts, and then occupy a larger and larger position. Gradually, they will be trapped in “low self-esteem” and unable to extricate themselves.
That is to say, “low self-esteem” often comes from early growth experiences.
In the process of growing up, when a person holds negative self-beliefs about himself, it is similar to having prejudice against himself. The core of this bias is to ignore any facts that are contrary to the bias and rely solely on the evidence that supports the bias.
That is to say, the bias against yourself in your self-beliefs perpetuates and automatically maintains your negative view of yourself, makes you anxious, makes you unhappy, unconsciously limits your life, and prevents you from achieving a kinder, more empathetic, more balanced, more tolerant, and more accurate view of your “true self.”.
Therefore, when you encounter any difficulty, setback, or challenge, even if it is a sudden “success,” it is extremely easy to trigger your inner “negative self-belief,” and then cause you to continue to instinctively criticize yourself, doubt yourself, or even deny yourself, in order to achieve a kind of stability and self-consistency in your inner values. At this time, self-criticism, self-denial and self-doubt will reinforce low self-esteem in reverse, thus a vicious circle.
Therefore, the essence of self-denial and self-doubt is “low self-esteem.”. The essence of
low self-esteem is negative self-belief. You define your self-worth “I don’t”, “I don’t deserve”, “I don’t deserve to be loved” based entirely on how society and others treat you and how they evaluate you.
However, social standards, other people’s evaluations, and external achievements are not the only factors that determine self-esteem. “What you think of yourself: you believe in your ability and value to exist, and you have the belief to continue to survive” is also important, or even more important.
Because if a person ignores the importance of the “self-defined” part of self-esteem and bases the whole self-esteem on society, other people’s opinions and personal achievements, once these desires are not satisfied, we will feel that we have nothing, lose the strength to support ourselves, and fall into nothingness and despair; Similarly, if we only emphasize individual efforts, regardless of all external voices, we will also have a strong sense of frustration.
Then, the key to overcoming low self-esteem and rebuilding healthy self-esteem, that is, the first step to get rid of self-denial and self-doubt, is to intervene in internal self-judgment and disintegrate negative self-beliefs. How
exactly to do it?
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3. How can we gradually get rid of constant self-denial and self-doubt? Stop “self-judgment.”
As mentioned above, the essence of self-denial and self-doubt is low self-esteem. The essence of low self-esteem is your inner negative self-beliefs. The reason why early negative self-beliefs are maintained is that whenever you encounter a situation or situation that breaks your inner negative core beliefs, you tend to have a first thought in your mind. Accept all the voices that continue to deny you and attack you.
Therefore, at this time, questioning self-criticism and stopping self-judgment are the first and most important steps out of self-denial and self-doubt. You need to consciously perceive and identify the current views and voices of yourself in your mind, and ask whether they are logical, objective and should exist.
Psychological Methods: Dissociation.
Dissociation is the ability to separate from one’s thoughts, allowing them to come and go as they please. It is a mindfulness technique that emphasizes “conscious awareness, focus on the present, and non-judgment of all ideas of the present.”. With the ability to dissociate, we will no longer be trapped in the quagmire of thinking, nor will we let these negative thoughts and emotions control our behavior.
Routine method: jump out of the self, stand in a higher dimension from the perspective of a third party, and consider your previous actions and results, as well as the opinions and voices in your mind about your actions and results. For example, when faced with problems and challenges, try asking them:
Are you confusing ideas with facts? What is the evidence
that supports your current judgment of the voice in your mind? What is the evidence that does not match the voice of the judge? How do you think you will look at it in
5 or 10 years?
…… When you
list specific questions to question the self-judging voices in your head, you can more easily identify their arbitrariness and camouflage, thus disintegrating these non-objective voices.
Pulling out, as a bystander, allows you to distance yourself from your own psychological feelings and judgments in your mind, thus avoiding being unable to see the overall logic and truth of the matter by indulging in negative emotions and thinking mire. You can also be less critical of yourself, less perfectionist, and more friendly to the present situation.
In short, if you do something wrong, mess it up, or hit it right, you may be able to judge your ability to solve it at the moment, but in fact, you don’t have to rise to the judgment of your overall value. Never.
Therefore, questioning and refuting the voice of self-criticism and self-denial in the mind and slowly trying to stop self-judgment are the key first steps to overcome low self-esteem and get rid of self-denial and self-doubt.
If acceptance is the beginning of change, self-acceptance is another key to overcoming low self-esteem and getting rid of self-denial and self-doubt. Self-acceptance is about changing your relationship with failure and focusing on your strengths and positives.
Since failure is inevitable, we will have an easier time if we can accept failure as an important experience for self-improvement than if we resist it.
How to change the relationship with failure? The
first way is to remind yourself that failure is a part of life. To do this, you can collect some relevant stories or famous aphorisms, such as for you who often suffer from writing:
Writing requires you to be prepared to be stupid and make mistakes. -Peter
Carey The first draft of anything is rubbish. — Ernest Hemingway The
second approach is to view failure simply as an honest feedback.
When you fail at something, it just tells you that what you’re doing right now is not going to work. You can think about how to do it better next time.
The third way is to play by the rules-true success is to live by your values.
That is to say, life itself is an end, as long as you have been living your values, then even if you have not achieved your goals, you are still successful.
As Li Dan said, “Things are never the end, you are your end.”. Failure is not to be feared. It is good for you to know where you have failed. As long as you try your best to do something, you will grow from it. As for the result, it must have a result, but not necessarily the result you want at the moment, or the next month, it will give you some unexpected rewards.
Failure is a necessary thing in the process of growing up. And the experience itself is the meaning.
And why should we pay more attention to our own strengths and positive aspects? As I mentioned
in my previous article on negative emotions, the human brain has a built-in bias against negativity: we prefer negative events and emotions, are more likely to focus on “bad” things, and tend to give more weight to negative events and emotions.
That is to say, we unconsciously pay too much attention to our own shortcomings, weaknesses and failures, while neglecting our own strengths, positive aspects and achievements. It’s no wonder that you’re prone to negative emotions, self-denial, and self-doubt.
In fact, the affirmation and review of our strengths, positive aspects, achievements and memories can help us strengthen the feeling of self-affirmation, and then improve the level of self-esteem and self-worth.
So, how to improve the focus on the advantages and positive aspects?
The first step is to learn to recognize your strengths instead of letting them pass you by. Take the initiative to record and review your accomplishments and feelings. You can start by making a list of your qualities, talents, skills, strengths, and successes. If you encounter difficulties and stop writing a few items, you can turn to good friends or people you care about and trust for help, so that they can give you good points and shining experiences from a more objective and sober point of view.
Once you’ve discovered your strengths and successes, the next step is to let them sink in: recognize and value them as second nature to you.
Specifically, you can consciously direct your attention to your strengths. One way to do this is to recall successful experiences in your memory to reinforce their imprint on your mind.
And, keep track of your “strength folder” or “achievement list” and make this awareness your daily routine. Your goal is to automatically notice examples of merit and relive the experience of achievement without any prompting. The goal is to correct your own biases by focusing on and highlighting your strengths and putting them center stage. Practice “self-care
.” The so-called “self-care” means “how you treat a friend in deep trouble, how you treat yourself.”. Learn to be a good friend to yourself — an inner ally, not an enemy (because we used to be so hard on ourselves that we weren’t as good as our friends), especially when you were in trouble or in trouble.
Why do we need “self-care”?
Unlike self-esteem, self-care is not about judgment or evaluation. It is about understanding the evolving concept of “who I am” with kindness and acceptance — especially when you fail or feel you are not good enough.
Therefore, “self-esteem” may only share our happiness, but “self-care” can also share our hardships. “Self-care” does not depend too much on conditions. Even when we fail, make a fool of ourselves, fall into a trough, or suffer a powerful blow, it can constantly support us, provide us with a sense of self-worth, and thus help us get rid of self-denial and self-doubt.
So, how exactly to practice “self-care”? 4 tips:
Tip 1. Put yourself first. Is this too selfish,
you may ask? No, it’s not selfishness, it’s proper narcissism. Think of it
this way: In an airplane safety notice, flight attendants remind people that if oxygen masks hang down in front of each seat, adults need to put on their own masks before helping others. This is a reasonable request, because if you are expiratory dyspnoea, you can’t help your child put on the mask. Only when you are healthy, strong and stable can you release more abundant, deep, healthy and powerful energy to help others better.
Tip 2. Allow painful thoughts to occur. Be honest and acknowledge your pain.
Only when you “get along” with your own pain long enough can you respond with more care and kindness. Meditation, on the other hand, eliminates the tendency to avoid painful thoughts and emotions, allowing you to confront real experiences, even if they make you uncomfortable. At the same time, awareness prevents you from getting too involved in or “over identifying” with negative thoughts and emotions, or getting lost in those sad reactions.
Tip 3. Common humanity. Think about what an “average person” would look like.
“Ordinary people” will have shortcomings, will fail, will make mistakes, and will encounter difficulties in life. Suffering is suffering, suffering is a part of life, for everyone, without exception. So, treat every failure and painful moment as something that all human beings will experience together, and then maybe you don’t have to worry too much and blame yourself.
Tip 4. Be kind to yourself and give yourself more comfort and support like a friend in pain.
When you make a mistake or encounter a failure, you are more inclined to criticize yourself than to comfort yourself, even though you are generous and considerate. This is probably caused by our culture.
Consciously giving yourself kindness can gradually eliminate this tendency: when you find your own shortcomings, you should not criticize yourself severely, but support and encourage yourself; when you make mistakes or fail, you should not attack and scold yourself, but give yourself warmth and unconditional acceptance, and take the initiative to comfort and comfort yourself.
Of course, learning to “care for oneself” cannot be accomplished overnight. After all, childhood experiences, daily habits, and the surrounding environment may have given us the habit of caring more for others than for ourselves, or even not caring for ourselves at all. So please give yourself enough time and patience to practice and change slowly.
4.
If a person connects his self-esteem with some very uncontrollable factors, he is more likely to fall into the whirlpool of anxiety, depression, self-denial and self-doubt. For example, how can you have a positive self-evaluation when you put your self-esteem into what others think of me, whether others think I look good, whether others think I do well, and whether others recognize my IQ. To
“stop judging ourselves” and rebuild our self-esteem does not mean that we should reject all self-criticism, but that we should stop generalizing and absolutizing it, because a failure of one thing only means that something has gone wrong, not that everything about ourselves is a problem.
Finally, “stop self-judgment” and “promote self-acceptance” may not be able to improve and progress in a short time, but we can learn “self-care” and start doing it right away.
May you soon become a more relaxed self ~
