The inferiority
of involution: I have to be better to deserve it?
A lot of people will be confused by some questions, why some stars are so good-looking, but also shout about their ugliness all day long? Why do 985 and 211students say that they are not excellent and outstanding all day long? Isn’t this at Versailles?
A lot of people will be confused by some questions, why some stars are so good-looking, but also shout about their ugliness all day long? Why do 985 and 211students say that they are not excellent and outstanding all day long? Isn’t this at Versailles?
It doesn’t have to be Versailles.
He may really think so.
When asking such questions, have you noticed that we quietly put others into our own comparison framework: the star is more beautiful than me, she doesn’t need to feel inferior because she thinks she is ugly, if I were her, I would not feel inferior because of my appearance; The students who graduated from 985 school are better than me. They have more choices in the future. If I were him, I would not feel inferior and inferior. In short, people with low self-esteem often fall into the mood of “I’m not good, I don’t deserve it.”.
However, in fact, we are not in the framework of comparison at all, in other words, we use the wrong framework of comparison.
Stars are in the entertainment circle, where the most beautiful people in the country gather. Any one of them may be beautiful. Moreover, they rely on their faces to eat. Once they find another beautiful young person coming in, they will worry about whether their jobs will be lost;
In the same way, the students of first-class colleges and universities are mixed up in the first-class elite circle, and their eyes are 985. In this way, will he still feel superior?
From this point of view, inferiority doesn’t seem to be a big deal. No matter in which circle or framework, everyone has the possibility of inferiority, so everyone has the “right” to inferiority.
No matter which circle or level you are, as long as there are people, there will be inferiority, because where there are people, there will be comparison.
In other words, inferiority is the result of social comparison.
Then the new question comes. If we can’t compare with others, we will feel inferior. Can we overcome our inferiority?
I remember there was a divorce case in the Japanese drama Legal High. The man asked for a divorce from the woman because he found that the woman was an artificial beauty and was very ugly. He felt that he had been cheated because he was ugly and worked hard to make money so that he could marry a beautiful woman and make his children look better in the future. After the woman was found to have had plastic surgery, she kept apologizing and asking her husband to forgive her. Through plastic surgery, she found a good job and improved her life to a certain extent, but she still felt inferior. Although she looked beautiful, she dared not marry a man with superior appearance. She settled for her husband. Even so, she had to worry about the truth of plastic surgery every day.
As far as this woman is concerned, even though she has become as beautiful as a fairy, she still hasn’t shaken off the mentality of “I’m not good-I don’t deserve it.”.
If you can’t accept yourself from the bottom of your heart, the external change is just a temporary solution.
Speaking of acceptance, take myself for example, I also grew up from inferiority. One of
my most self-abased things is height. Not surprisingly, the inferiority complex that comes from being short is also an annoyance of “comparison.”. Growing up
, one of the things I hated most was queuing and seating, because without exception, I had to compare my height. The angriest thing is that the person who is placed in front of you by the teacher turns his head and insists on comparing with you. He keeps saying that he is taller than you and should stand behind you. It seems that if you let him stand behind you, he will become more powerful.
Later, when I accepted that I was short, I was no longer angry. I would even agree to change places with him without any argument, because I knew that he, like me, was ashamed of being short. He could not bear the feeling of being outdone. He could not accept that he was short.
In fact, before you can walk, you start to be compared to your height.
If you are better than other children, your mother will hear the pleasant flattery: “You have raised this child well.” “This child really follows the adults. After all, you and your wife are both tall.”; If you can’t, you may hear your mother’s voice with a little regret or even shame, “Yes, my child is not as tall as yours, and he is too picky about food.”. Before you have the ability to understand these words, you may have learned what inferiority complex is from the emotions of adults.
This brings me to my next point: No one is born with inferiority complex, so why do we learn inferiority complex?
There is a very important point, which is also the most discussed factor, that is, the influence of the original family. Let me tell you the story
of friend A. I’m fine, but I don’t deserve it?
A is a big boy with good grades and looks very confident. Although he is not so talkative, every time he laughs, you will feel that the world has become better. If you weren’t close to him, you wouldn’t know he had an extremely strict father. When he was
less than six years old, his mother asked him what day it would be tomorrow. He thought, “January 32.”. As soon as the voice fell, a slap fell on his face. Turning his head, his father’s angry face was reflected in his huge tears. Every time he was beaten, he would complain about his father, but he always had a belief in his heart: “Beating is kissing, scolding is love.”. Father’s sternness, if not love, what would it be? After all, the children on the road have never been lucky enough to enjoy the burning slap. As a result, he never felt that there was anything wrong with his father’s practice.
Sometimes, he even appreciated his father’s strictness and trained him to be a serious, cautious and hard-working student. Until that day, he entered the university.
He has the closest relationship with his roommate B, because he and B can talk best. The key is that B is as good as him. He feels that they are like-minded people who can grow up together. Once he played basketball with B, B put his mobile phone aside and found it lost after exercise. He thought that if B didn’t throw his mobile phone away, he wouldn’t throw it away like this. He lent his cell phone to B to let him contact his family. When he was still worried that B would be scolded by his family, he heard his parents’ comforting voice in the video: “I lost my cell phone. What can I do? I’ve already lost it. Just pay attention next time. Do you have any money? If you don’t have any money, we’ll transfer it to you. Hurry up and buy a new one..”
Looking at this scene, after a short period of discomfort, he suddenly realized that not all parents love their children in the form of beating and scolding. It turns out that they can become excellent people without being beaten and scolded.
Then there was a big doubt in his mind: Why did his father treat him so harshly? Why is he not allowed to make any mistakes?
At this moment, he no longer felt that the harsh criticism and scolding he had suffered was a kind of love, and all the complaints about his father in the past broke out at this time, and he felt very aggrieved.
He no longer feels that he and B are the same kind of people. On the contrary, they are totally different. B is the one who really has love, but he is not.
Gradually, he drifted away from B. His confidence was gone. No, actually, he was never really confident. The self-confidence of the past is just a brief feeling of self-satisfaction after pleasing parents again and again.
He felt more and more that his father treated him that way because he was not good enough, just as his father had accused him since he was a child, not good here, not good there, or perhaps he did not deserve his father’s kindness at all.
Sometimes, it is cruel to realize the bad influence of our parents. When you realize that the idea of “I don’t deserve it” comes from your parents’ way of education, from your family atmosphere, and that they “made” you feel inferior at the moment, you have to admit that your parents are not as good as you thought.. I don’t know how to get rid of the inferiority in my personality, and how to deal with the complaints or hatred of my parents? Understanding Your Anger
Anger is a very normal emotional experience when we realize the bad influence of our original family on us. We need to allow ourselves to feel angry with our parents and, if we can, try to communicate our feelings to them. If a reconciliation can be reached, it will allow for faster self-healing. Seeing the limitations
of parents, there is no perfect parents in the world, nor perfect education. Even if we become parents one day, we can only learn while working. Everyone’s past experience and present vision will become his limitations in family life and children’s education. No matter what negative emotions we have towards our parents, we should objectively recognize this limitation, rather than subjectively yearn for a perfect parent. Understanding the Power
of Self-Growth I have been studying counseling for the last year, and in the process of participating in counseling supervision, I have heard a lot of people’s bad families. I have heard of mothers who abandon their children and fathers who abuse their children, but no matter how chaotic the family is, no matter how bad their situation is, whether they are teenagers or adults, you will still feel the power of growth in their hearts in one case after another. It is particularly important
to face up to the influence of the original family. We understand our past, understand our growth, understand our weak selves, and recognize the good and bad influences of our parents on us, not to indulge in the past, nor to feel sorry for ourselves, nor to become enemies with our parents, but to have a common purpose: to unload the burden of growth, to go into battle lightly, and to move towards the future.
Change the way of comparison and say goodbye to inferiority.
If we want to transcend inferiority in essence, we have to take drastic measures to change our usual way of social comparison. Abandoning external reference
If a person’s self-esteem is based on recognition and comparison with others, the goal of self-esteem will be threatened from time to time. A person with an external reference will base his self-esteem on getting ahead, having a house and a car, so when he is poor, he will despise himself, but once he has achieved something, his self-esteem is very short, because he has a new reference for comparison, so never satisfied becomes the norm.
To put it bluntly, it is to compare with others instead of oneself.
When our comparison turns inward, it can make our self-esteem suffer less and stabilize our self-esteem level. The goals of an internally referenced person may be virtues such as honesty, self-discipline, punctuality, etc. These goals guide our course like a compass, and do not damage our self-esteem level because of the excellence of others. Change the goal
, change the competitive goal to the cooperative goal. Cooperative goals create greater motivation and lower anxiety levels than competitive goals. For example, your roommate may get better grades, your competitive goal may be “I want to get better grades than him,” and if you can’t, you’re likely to feel inferior.
But if you change this goal to “I want to learn knowledge points with him, and then make progress together”, this goal will become a cooperative goal, and you will feel that your relationship is more harmonious, and you will not be so anxious. Diversify
your goals. For example, change the goal of “I must be the first in the exam” into multiple goals, such as “I want to know a lot of friends” and “I want to learn more knowledge and participate in various practices”. When we diversify our goals, we will not be obsessed with the “best,” thus avoiding the whirlpool of comparison with others, and to a large extent, avoiding the sense of inferiority. It must be a long process to
surpass inferiority. Perhaps at the beginning, you will feel that inferiority seems to be a secret and shameful thing, like a burden in your arms, for fear of falling out and being found unbearable. Gradually, when you try to understand inferiority and transcend inferiority, you will see many people who are worth learning: those who boldly express their feelings and experiences under the problem of inferiority, and they take the first step to transcend inferiority: dare to admit and face inferiority.
They announced to the world that it is not shameful to feel inferior.
Author: Dark Surge
