Why do they avoid love: Ta is not a slag, but a fear of
high-energy youth development: 10 psychological tools for your
friend at the beginning of school recently fell in love with a boy she admired for more than half a year. In the first few weeks, she was so happy that she thought she had finally found the love of her heart.
However, in the next few weeks, she began to have some doubts and uneasiness. First of all, the other party did not agree with her to disclose their relationship in the circle of friends. This is not bad, friends feel that the other party may not be able to adapt, do not know how to introduce themselves to the people around them.
But then a series of operations, so that friends are very worried, and even to ask me, the other side will not be a scum man.
For example, chatting on the Internet, chatting, suddenly people disappeared, not even a goodbye. Want to ask him out for dinner on the weekend, always procrastinate, the first two weeks even if late, the other party will still come out, the third week simply did not go out, said there is something, also can not say what is going on.
Friends want to take him to meet his best friend, originally promised well, but the day before the appointment, suddenly said something can not come. So I changed the appointment several times, and I had something to do temporarily. The friend is very angry, say: “You do not want to see my friend.”.
Unexpectedly, the other party took this opportunity to say that the values of the two people were incompatible, and he hoped to have enough personal space to fall in love.
Personal space, this word makes friends angry as soon as they hear it, which is simply the quotation of scum men. When I
heard this, I empathized with my friend’s worries and uneasiness, and comforted her: It is not easy to draw a conclusion whether she is a scum man or not. Let me teach you a way to judge. The next time you chat with him, you should consciously guide the topic to the relationship with your parents. For example, you take the initiative to talk to him, what happened to you and your parents recently, what emotions you have towards your parents, whether you are annoyed with them or moved. Then, you turn around and ask him, “Hey, I’ve never heard you talk about your parents. How is your relationship with them?”? You see how he reacts.
My friend asked me, “What’s his reaction? Does it mean that he is not a scum?”?
I said, “If he answers you,” It’s fine. “” What does it matter? That’s it. “This is a very abstract answer, and when you ask about the specific situation, he will not be very irritable, but very withdrawn and evasive, such as,” Look! Flying saucer! Such a way to change the subject to answer you. Then, he is probably not a slag, but an avoidant attachment. Avoid
ant attachment? When the word first came out, my friend began to be curious. What exactly is avoidant attachment, and how do I get along with the object of avoidant attachment?
First, what is avoidant attachment? How did they perform?
The most early detection avoidant attachment is psychology Ains worth (1978). Through her famous “strange situation experiment”, she found that there are three very different patterns in the attachment relationship between 1-year-old infants and their mothers. One of these patterns is avoidant attachment.
This strange situation experiment simulates the situation in which the baby and the mother are separated. Let the mother take the child into a strange room. There are all kinds of toys in the room, and the mother plays with the child.
At this time, the mother suddenly left the room, how will the baby react? Children with avoidant attachments are indifferent to all this, as if nothing had happened, and it seems that you might even think that they didn’t notice that their mother had gone.
After a while, my mother came back to the room again, and they acted as if nothing had happened.
This is very strange, for the baby, the mother left, should be a very anxious, afraid thing, most babies will cry, the mother came back, they will be very angry, while close to the mother while splashing, as if to express: Humph! How could you leave me alone!
However, the avoidant child has no reaction at all. Do they really feel nothing? Not really. Physiological response tests showed that their heart rate increased and cortisol (stress hormone) levels increased when their mothers left. This shows that they are actually afraid and anxious, but they do not say or express it.
There is an interesting experiment on 6-year-old children. The experimenter shows the children a picture of the scene where the father and mother are going to be separated from the baby.
The experimenter asked the avoidant child, “What will this child do?”?
Avoidant child: I don’t know.
The experimenter asked: What can he do?
Avoidant: I don’t know!
Experimenter: Do you have any ideas?
Avoidant: Oh. Oh. (While making a lot of noise with a toy race car) No, I don’t know.
Experimenter: Don’t know?
Avoidance: Hello! Hum ~ ~ ~ (imitating the sound of racing car), come on! Accelerate!
You see, does this look like your partner? “Look!”! Flying saucer! Way to change the subject.
My friend verified this through the “little test” I taught her, and her partner really seemed to be an avoidant attachment. She began to worry and found me again: “Then what?”? How am I supposed to get along with him?
2. How to get along with the object of avoidant attachment?
I asked my friend, “What difficulties do you have in getting along with each other now?”?
The friend said, “Isn’t it obvious?”? It’s hard for me to ask him out. We don’t get along with each other at all. We just chat online at ordinary times, and we just look at his mood. If we are not careful, he will disappear. “How does this affect you?”
I asked?
The friend says: “Affect me of course, I am disturbed upset, worry from time to time he is not to care about me.”.
I said, Look, what you need is confirmation that he cares about you. You think he only cares about you if he is very enthusiastic to reply to your message and very happy to invite you out for dinner. However, in his world, avoiding your enthusiasm is caused by his inner uneasiness, not by not caring about you. But, other than that, it seems hard to find evidence that he cares about you.
My friend thought about it and thought what I said was reasonable. Indeed, if we can find other evidence to confirm that he cares, and this method of verification can be repeatedly verified, then I will feel more at ease, and I can respect the other party’s desire to hide.
Next, the friend was puzzled: How to find such evidence?
Since there is no way to start from his response, you have to start from yourself. What qualities do you have that are valued by him and attracted to him.
The friend shook his head and couldn’t think of anything.
Based on my experience, I told her that my conclusion is that people with avoidant attachments tend to like two types of people:
the first type, which I call “complementary appreciation.”.
In other words, you are an emotional person who does not shy away from connecting with others, and you can be calm and relaxed with others, talking and laughing. Therefore, your interpersonal relationship is good, there are many sincere friends around you, and you are very popular with the people around you.
Such an appearance is the “ideal self” in the mind of an avoidant attachment person. Like you, they are eager to be able to talk and laugh in social occasions without stuttering and eloquence. When talking about their feelings, emotions are rich, not numb and empty.
If you ask them what they like about you, they may say that one day, when they see you giving a speech on the platform, you demonstrate the contrast between Schopenhauer’s and Nietzsche’s philosophical ideas, and he sees you as an ecstatic child with a delicious lollipop. It is full of enthusiasm, surprise and immersion. Of course, it’s hard for him to use the words I used to describe that situation. He may say it in an abstract way-like your enthusiasm, like your concentration in your speech, and so on.
He envies you for having such a passionate side. In front of you, he feels that he is humble, weak and ashamed. His own heart was empty and empty.
Therefore, he will appreciate and admire your character, your way of doing things, your style of doing things and your way of dealing with the world. But when he is with you, like most people around him, he feels very painful and ashamed. It’s hard to bear that you are so good and I am so down and out.
That’s why he must avoid you and stay away from you. When I see you, I remind myself that I am so bad.
The second category is what I call “mirror transference.”.
In other words, you are just another “me”! Like a mirror, it completely reflects my appearance. In this case, you are also an evasive person. In the face of emotions, your heart is full of anxiety and uneasiness. You want to approach others tentatively, but you always stand at a distance and watch.
Your encounter may be in a class reunion, when everyone is busy together, you feel really uncomfortable, quietly left the room, a person hiding downstairs quiet, happened to meet him who is also looking at the distant scenery. Instead of going up to disturb him,
you look at “him looking at the scenery,” and look at “the scenery he looks at.” There is an indescribable surge in your heart, and you feel that he is like another self in this world, somewhat lonely and desolate, but deep and remote inside.
You took a fancy to him, and you always thought he didn’t know. In fact, on a similar occasion half a year ago, he had already noticed you. You were the quietest and most indifferent person in the crowd, looking down at your mobile phone silently. This characteristic of indifference and alienation attracted him deeply.
…
Hearing this, my friend kept nodding: “Yes!”! He told me that he liked the way I spoke enthusiastically.
If it is complementary appreciation, then the crisis of your relationship is most likely to erupt when you see such excellent, enthusiastic and shining you over and over again, and the other party feels ashamed, unable to keep up with your rhythm, and eventually runs away..
The friend is very anxious: What should I do then?
I asked her, “Have you ever had a hedgehog?”?
Friend a face question mark: Ha? Falling in love
with an avoidant attachment is like raising a hedgehog. The hedgehog’s subjective world is very similar to avoidant attachment. If you get too close to each other, you will hurt each other. As a result, they always come and go alone.
My friend and I have raised hedgehogs for 2 years based on my experience. I can reach out and grab it now, too, without getting spiked.
How do you do that? You need to repeat one action, a hundred times, a thousand times, ten thousand times-that is, carefully, from the front, so that it can see you, a small step, a small step, slowly close to it, gently touch its nose with your fingertips, so that it is familiar with your smell. Repeat
this action thousands of times. The next time you reach up to it from the front and grab it, it won’t burst.
The friend still seems to understand: Then when I fall in love, what should I do? What does it mean to approach him in small steps when he can see me?
3. “Complementary Appreciation”: From “the collapse of dreams” to “the contact of reality”
I told my friends that you should deeply understand what the other person’s inner desire is.
The friend is impatient: “You do not keep in suspense, tell me directly.”.
Okay, here’s the thing:
The needs of the “avoidant attachment type” are contradictory —
on the one hand, they desire independence and are opposed to dependence and intimacy. Because of this, they feel that I am an independent person, which is good, strong, self-improvement, others can not trust, they are dependent on others, which is bad,
but on the other hand, they have inexplicable anxiety about the state of independence, even fear, they will worry: Will I be defective? For example, I may also need to rely on others, which is not possible. Others may refuse, control, or punish me.
This kind of struggle between “dependence” and “anti-dependence,” “control” and “anti-control” is the most typical inner conflict of the “avoidant attachment person.”.
The friend scratched his head and said, “It sounds really contradictory.”. Wait, are you going to tell me what they need in their hearts? So, what do they really need?
I responded by saying, “What you need is that you can understand his” contradictory “feelings.”.
The friend looked at a loss and looked thoughtful: “Understand this contradictory feeling …”
I asked my friend, “Have you ever been ignored in your life when dealing with people?”? You talk to someone and they keep ignoring you, completely ignoring you, and you feel ignored, angry, irritated?
The friend nods ceaselessly: Have, have! Last time I was with Little A..
I interrupted my friend: “You have to think further, this is just one time to be ignored, if you are very important to this person, twice ignored, 10 times ignored, 100 times ignored, what will happen?”?
The friend’s face was blank and thoughtful.
I went on to say: Your partner, the person who neglected him 100 times, 1000 times, 10000 times in his growing experience, may be his mother, or the closest relative. Perhaps, when he was two or three years old, he was still a child who wanted to be intimate with his mother, but whenever he approached his mother actively, the other party’s reaction was indifferent and completely regarded you as air. What do you think he will do in such a family atmosphere?
The friend shook his head: “This is too suffocating, I can not imagine.”.
I replied that he would have what I just called “ambivalence.”. It is a child’s nature to rely on his mother, and this cannot be erased, so he must have a side that wants to rely on, but this kind of dependence is always a failure, neglected and suppressed, so what he shows on the surface is “anti-dependence” — hum, I don’t need you at all!
The friend nods, show the appearance of be suddenly enlightened: “Oh, so be such.”. I seem to understand a little. So how can I help him?
I said word by word: Now, your image is the most ideal mother in his fantasy.
The friend is amazed the jaw dropped quickly: “Ah??”?
I then added, “Of course, it’s not a mother in the real sense, but a” mother “in the conceptual, abstract sense. Or in other words, an ideal “closest person.” As a child, the closest person was the role of mother, and now it’s you.
When you think about it, as a child, the people closest to him always ignored him. Then in the pain, he must have a reverse fantasy-if only my mother was not like this, but a different one. What is the other one like? He has never seen it, and he can’t say it. Until now, when he met you, your ebullient personality hit him at once-oh, yes, if my mother was like this when I was a child, how good it would be.
Of course, he didn’t really think of it in his heart. It was a feeling of being hit, which he longed for, that a person could respond so warmly and so positively to me.
The friend nodded, as if he did understand. However, she immediately shook her head and said, “But I can’t do that. I respond positively to him in everything. Sometimes, I’m annoyed with him. He’s so timid that he doesn’t respond to me in anything.”. I’ll be angry. It’ll scare him.
I gave my friend a thumbs-up, and I said, “You got to the point!”! That’s right! No one can carry the image of the “perfect mother” in the fantasy. We are also ordinary people, and we will be annoyed, anxious and worried that the other party will not respond to me, and even worry that the other party is a scum. The
key point is that now that we understand the other person’s psychological structure and know that he sees you as a “beautiful fantasy,” what you need is to take the opportunity to pierce this fantasy and let him see the real you.
You are not as perfect and omnipotent as he imagines, and you respond to his emotions in every way, but you are not like his mother, who does not respond to him at any time and throws him aside as if he were air. You are a real person who wants to be close to him and want to be close to him.
The friend nodded and said, “I see.”. My occasional neglect or anger towards him will bring frustration to him, but I can repair his feelings, help him when he wants to run away and leave, and tell him that no matter how scared he is, I will be there.
I nodded: “It seems that you already know how to do.”.
…
4. Contradictory “Mirror Empathy”
The friend then said curiously, “My problem is solved. But you just said two kinds of situations, I’m a little curious, if it’s mirror transference, that is, two people are avoidant people, they like each other. Is there no solution to this situation?
I shook my head and said, “That’s not necessarily true. Do you remember what I told you about Ainsworth’s experiment?”? The little baby one. When the mother leaves, the avoidant baby, seemingly as if nothing had happened, actually turns upside down, the heart beats faster and cortisol rises.
This means that they are used to indifference and indifference, but their hearts are very uncomfortable and painful, but they simply can not say why, can not say what to do. Because it’s not good to be close, it’s too far away, and it’s uncomfortable.
If you are aware of your own pattern, you can get out of this dilemma.
The friend nodded and shook his head. “Well, I can’t think of a way out of this mess. It feels like a dead end.”.
I went on to say that it was really difficult. Because if it is mirror transference, their dilemma is that they have been watching from a distance, slowly wearing down their patience, and eventually forget each other in Jianghu. Each other has become a symbol in the heart, once there was a very beautiful person, but I did not cherish.
The friend sighed: “It sounds so sad, if it is true, it should be a pity.”. Originally, they were two very similar people, and they should have a lot of resonance together.
I went on to say, “So, in this case, it takes the courage of two people.”.
My friend opened his eyes wide and asked me curiously, “Courage?”? Fish Leong, give them some courage?
I was amused by my friend’s joke: Hahaha, yeah, it takes a little courage from Fish Leong. That is to say, they have to take a little risk to take a step forward, although they are afraid of being ignored, deceived and belittled, but because they can understand each other, they can also know that this neglect is the self-protection of the other side, not where I am not good. Therefore, we need to bear this neglect and talk to each other more, especially from the heart.
The friend frowned: “This is very difficult.”. I am a person who does not avoid, and the object suddenly disappears, which makes me crazy, and the person who avoids is not frightened. Really, I’m afraid a car of Liang Jingru’s courage is not enough.
I said, “Sometimes when you are scared, you will fall into an emotional storm and feel that the world is over, just like when an earthquake occurs, you instinctively run away.”. However, if you stand a little and feel it, you will find that the so-called earthquake is actually an illusion. The person in front of you is different from the mother who neglected you in the past. He’s committed to being in a relationship with you, which shows that he has the will and motivation to come out of avoidance, just like yourself-think about it, you.. Oh, no, you don’t have the motivation. I mean, an avoidant attachment person, if he decides to fall in love, he must have great courage-because he is doing something incredible for him, he wants to break out of his cocoon, contact with the outside world, and establish a connection with a person.
The friend nods: What you say is right. If it’s avoidance, then he won’t fall in love at all. Now that we have talked about it, we must have the courage. And
I said, That’s right. Therefore, this is a particularly good resource, because if two people are evasive, then it is often easy to use their own internal activities to understand each other. It’s not easy for me, and it must be for the other side, so we can build an alliance to fight against the feelings of those bad experiences. We can make some promises to
each other, for example, no matter how painful it is, we agree to see each other once a week. Or, once a month, we should talk about our original family, past experiences, our emotional outlook, values and so on.
This agreement will be a powerful umbrella for you to grow up together and fight against this absurd world.
Author: Zeng Min
Record No.: YX01zPLQYeGYkdW2v
From “Demand” to “Purpose”, Analyzing the Essence
of Attraction and the Cultivation of High-Energy Youth: 10 Psychological Tools for You
at the Beginning of School, Xiong Qixi Festival, etc.
