The Weird Circle
of Pretending to Work Hard: Why People Deceive Themselves
High-Energy Youth Development Notes: 10 Psychological Tools for You
at the Beginning of School Every year after entering college, countless young people feel confused.
Some people watch their classmates get up early every day to occupy seats and prepare for the postgraduate entrance examination in their freshman year. They think that their grades can’t fall behind, but they are not interested in professional courses. They are very active in taking PPT in class every day, but they never open it again.
Some people see their roommates actively preparing for the English exam and preparing for further study abroad, and they want to learn more English and get a good result in the exam. But after following their roommates to go out early and come back late for a whole day, they only remember abandon, vividly interpreting “a cup of tea, a page of paper, a whole day of sitting.”.
Some people watched the friends of the club perform their talents at the school party, so they wanted to learn a musical instrument to show off, but after buying the guitar, they played with it for a month and watched a lot of teaching videos, but they didn’t remember a scale. Why do
these people do this? Isn’t it pretending to work hard and lying to themselves?
That’s right.
From setting goals at the very beginning, to pretending to work hard in the process, and even to failing and analyzing the reasons in the end, they are deceiving themselves in every link. Driven by
fear of failure and anxiety of falling behind, they fall into the vicious circle of pretending to work hard.
Some people deceive themselves when they set goals, and directly regard other people’s goals as their own goals, in fact, they just want to be gregarious, and they don’t want to accomplish it at all.
From childhood, teachers and parents would say, “You must study hard, get good grades, go to college, and get ahead.”
The adults set a common goal for us: to study hard and get good grades.
But when we grow up and enter the university, teachers and parents are no longer so strict to restrain and urge us, at this time, what has become our goal?
Maybe someone can’t answer it.
Learning majors, learning English and learning guitar are all good goals, but they are not what they really want to achieve. It’s just that the people around them are doing these things, and they haven’t thought about what they really want to do, so they follow the crowd and “take the goals of the people around them as their own.”.
After all, people are social animals, and no one wants to be left behind by the people who work hard around them.
There is a “false” goal, and the efforts in the process can hardly be true. When people
around them set their own goals, they want to master knowledge or skills, which is a kind of mastery goal, while when people who pretend to work hard set the goal of conformity, they want not to be looked down upon by people around them, which is a kind of performance goal.
If the yearning to succeed in mastering certain knowledge and skills is plotted on the horizontal axis, and the avoidance of failing in tests and leaving a bad impression on the people around them is plotted on the vertical axis, then they are the “avoidance of failure” in the lower right corner.
Figure 1 Axis
of Tending to Success and Avoiding Failure …
Figure 1 The coordinate axis
of tending to success and avoiding failure. In fact, they don’t like to learn these things. They don’t want to succeed, so they don’t really work hard. It’s not necessary. But because they are very afraid of failure, they dare not really work hard. If they really work hard and fail, don’t they look useless? After
seeing this essential reason clearly, we will discover that, in fact, before we went to college, we also had the phenomenon of “pretending to work hard” around us, but at that time the external constraints were very strict, and everyone was very busy, so it was not so easy to find out.
For example, students take notes in class and copy the wrong question set after the exam, but some of them will still make mistakes when they encounter the knowledge points in class and the wrong questions last time. This is because they do not want to master these knowledge, so they do not think carefully, but they are afraid that if they do not do so, the teacher will blame themselves, so they follow the crowd to record and pretend to work hard. Will
this pretence of effort make them feel comfortable?
Not necessarily.
Although some people who pretend to work hard will laugh at themselves in the circle of friends for “sleeping in the library for another day”, at the same time, their hearts may also be very nervous, after all, they also know that their “efforts” may not be effective, and they will be afraid of failure later.
Their fear of failure boils down to fear of their own incompetence.
Therefore, after a real failure, they may also find excuses for their failure, attribute it to external factors such as too difficult tasks, bad luck, or continue to deceive themselves in another way, such as thinking that “this matter is not important at all.”. Fear of
failure can really drive people to do things that seem ridiculous. In addition to people who pretend to work hard, there are other people in Figure 1 who also have this idea. For example, the contradiction in the upper right corner is the “overworked person” who is eager to succeed and afraid of failure. It is different and similar to the “pretended to work hard”. They really work hard, but they will “pretend not to work hard”.
In this way, when they succeed, their achievements are more valuable, making people feel that “they have the ability to do well without working hard.” Even if they fail, they can use the excuse of “not working hard” as a cover, so as not to be considered incompetent by others. The goal of
conformity + the indifference to the successful mastery of skills + the fear of failure in performance ultimately creates an “actor” who pretends to work hard and is anxious.
Because efforts are fake, they naturally can not get real growth.
A few years ago, a netizen consulted me about the postgraduate entrance examination in psychology and sent me his schedule. Every day from summer to winter was filled with various colors. The yellow half day was to learn English, the blue half day was to review professional courses.. I looked as if I was well prepared, so I encouraged him.
As a result, on the day of the postgraduate entrance examination, at the end of the first day of the exam, he came to me again and said to me, “This time the questions are too difficult. I don’t think I can pass the exam. I’m preparing for World War II.”. In the
following two years, he took the exam twice. At the end of the
third time, he finally confided the truth to me: Actually, I never knew what I could do after graduation. Everyone was taking the postgraduate entrance exam, and my family also said that it would be easier for me to find a job if I had a master’s degree, so I also took the exam. In fact, I know that I probably won’t pass the exam, because I can’t read books in the study room every day, and I just want to get some encouragement and comfort from many bloggers on the Internet. Finally, he said, “After three years, I don’t have time to waste. I’m going to look for a job.” People who
“pretend not to work hard” are deceiving others. Even if they are exposed, others will not care too much because they have nothing to do with them. People who “pretend to work hard” are deceiving themselves. In the end, the person who pays a huge time cost but gets nothing is also himself.
Because of the lack of growth, it is easy for people who pretend to work hard to become increasingly anxious: I have been marking time like this, can I still have results? Is it too late?
Under the influence of anxiety, they can’t think calmly about what they want to do and what they can do, so they can only continue along the road of pretending to work hard.
In this way, it fell into a vicious circle.
So, how can these painful “actors” get out of the vicious circle of pretending to work hard and avoid these adverse consequences?
As long as you get out of these four misunderstandings, it will be fine.
1. Stop pretending immediately? Wrong! Draw your “iceberg” and face up to your inner fears
first. Perhaps many people don’t realize how strongly their inner emotions and needs drive their behavior.
Emotional focus therapy believes that behind people’s behavior and thoughts, they are driven by emotions, needs and inner selves. Without changing the heart, it is difficult to change the outside, just like an iceberg with only one corner above the water. If you want to move it, you can’t ignore the solid subject hidden under the water.
For example, the act of pretending to work hard to take the postgraduate entrance examination is out of the idea of avoiding failure. The underlying emotions are anxiety and fear, and the underlying need is to be recognized. These all come from their insecure selves. It seems that not pretending to work hard to fit in means that they will be excluded and worthless.
Figure 2 The “iceberg”
of self …
Figure 2 The “Iceberg”
of the Self If you want to change the behavior and thinking on the surface, you have to face up to the deep emotions and needs. Using Figure 2 as a basis, you can write down your emotional feelings when you pretend to be trying, as well as the thoughts in your mind that cause you fear and anxiety. The more specific you write, the better. This way, you can get out of these thoughts and look at them from a third party perspective. What do these thoughts have in common? And that common point is the entry point to explore your deep needs. When you
understand your deep needs, you will find that your needs are not necessarily met only by pretending to work hard. The netizen who chose to pretend to work hard to take the postgraduate entrance examination because his classmates were taking the exam and his family supported him, if he could communicate frankly with his family and express his worries that he would not be recognized if he failed to take the exam, he might find that his family did not only value his academic qualifications, but supported him no matter what he did.
In addition, if their fear, anxiety and other emotions have been so serious that they can not adjust their daily life, then the first thing to do is to seek professional help.
2. Can’t find a target of interest? Wrong!
When it comes to setting goals, many people will think for the first time that the goals should be in line with their interests.
You may say, “I know, I want to find my own interests, but I really don’t know what I’m interested in.”
This is a misunderstanding of interest.
Interest is mostly cultivated, not just “discovered.”. Its emergence and development is a process. The initial stimulation of
interest may depend on the external characteristics of the task and social support, such as seeing classmates perform musical instruments on the stage, which is interesting, and there are friends around you who also think so and encourage you to learn. At this point, you have an initial interest in learning the guitar, but this is only the beginning. The development and stability of
interest depend on the individual’s recognition of the value and significance of the task and continuous efforts.
When you have an initial interest, you need to start doing something. You can try it yourself or watch others do it.
Or take learning guitar as an example, when you play the first chord, if you think it’s really nice and enjoyable, then the most direct attempt and experience will bring you positive feedback, make you feel that your practice is meaningful, and make your interest a little stronger.
Watching others immerse themselves in the practice of playing and singing and feel that this performance is really handsome, this kind of observation and learning from role models can also make you more interested in practicing guitar.
With the deepening of learning and the increase of knowledge reserve, what attracts you is not only the limelight of performing on stage, but also the fact that music knowledge is so rich and interesting, that there are so many similarities among various instruments, and that the internal structural connection of these knowledge has become the deepest foundation of your interest.
Figure 3 The Ladder
of Interest Cultivation …
Figure 3 The Ladder
of Interest Cultivation Instead of “finding something you like and then doing it,” we should “keep doing something and then get interested in it.”.
When you feel comfortable understanding and mastering some knowledge and skills, you will take the first step from focusing on performance goals to mastering goals, and you will not fall into the trap of pretending so easily. This Fail & # x3D; I can’t? Wrong! Ask yourself two questions. Cultivate growth-oriented thinking
. If you want to really change from expressing goal-oriented thinking to mastering goal-oriented thinking, you need to change the underlying concepts. Most people who
want to get good grades and be in the limelight have fixed thinking, that is, they think that ability is a stable and unchangeable trait. They think that people can perform well because they are smart. They are afraid of failure because they think that once they fail, it means that they expose the shortcomings of their abilities. People who
want to master some knowledge and skills have more growth-oriented thinking and feel that if they study hard and practice, they can accumulate knowledge, improve their abilities and grow up. They are not afraid of failure, because in their view, failure is an opportunity to absorb experience, and they can regroup.
If you want to change from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset, you can ask yourself these two questions when you feel anxious and afraid of failure, and write down the answers:
What can I learn from this? What can I do to improve the outcome
if something similar happens next time? People who
pretend to work hard find excuses for their failures and attribute them to the outside world, while growth-oriented people find experiences for their future life and see where they still need to work hard. Believing that we can learn from experience, that people can improve, that things will get better, is the key to getting rid of pretend efforts.
4. Plans must be ambitious? Wrong! Skillfully use short-sighted nature to implement specific plans
. Even if we cultivate growth thinking and set the goal of mastery, when people set the goal of learning guitar or mastering the professional knowledge of postgraduate entrance examination, such plans are still vague and do not know how long it will take to achieve results.
Evolutionary psychology believes that human nature is short-sighted, because in ancient times, our ancestors were in a dangerous and harsh environment, the average life span was very short, short-sighted people pay attention to the present enjoyment, in order to live a better quality in the limited life. This nature is preserved in our genes, so that when we decide to study hard and master a skill in the future, we will still think that it is comfortable to be in a daze in the present.
If we are not specific in planning, for example, we only plan to “review professional courses in half a day”, but we do not divide them into more specific subjects to review, chapters to review every hour, and what kind of effect to achieve, so that we do not have enough specific guidance and timely feedback, then such a vague plan will be made. It’s easy to give up halfway. A good plan,
on the other hand, needs to have these characteristics:
concrete and observable. Define the things that need to be done and the plans that need to be completed into specific and observable actions. Is “review the knowledge points of this chapter” or “practice this piece of music skillfully” concrete and observable? It may sound like it at first, but if a camera is set up, what kind of pictures will it record to prove that these plans have been completed? The really observable plan is this: “Complete the exercises in this chapter with an error rate of less than 5%”; “Practice until there are no wrong notes when playing this piece of music.”.
It can be decomposed into small steps. According to evolutionary psychology, we get burnout and procrastinate on goals that are far in the future, and we don’t really work hard. If we break down the plan into small steps and the first step can be completed quickly, then the sense of achievement and value brought by the completion of this step can further motivate us to continue to work hard with true feelings. If the reward is not obvious when you complete the decomposition step, you can also set up a little extra reward for yourself.
Table 1 Planning Table
…
Table 1 Plan Making Table
People who pretend to work hard can not get real growth, but also feel anxious because of pretending.
So, face up to your emotions, cultivate your interests, change your thinking, implement your plan, get out of the vicious circle of pretending to work hard, and be a sincere person to yourself.
Author: Kapok 959
Record No.: YX01zPLQYeGYkdW2v
Why are college students always the most degenerate group? Guide
for College Students to Prevent Falling High Energy Youth Cultivation: 10 Psychological Tools for You
at the Beginning of School, Xiong Qixi Festival, etc.
