How can a
boyfriend adjust himself if he doesn’t reply to the message?
First of all, you need to find your own “inner control point”-when your boyfriend doesn’t reply to the message, don’t vent all your negative emotions on your boyfriend.
Instead, calm down and see if you can control your emotions first. Did something happen to
him, or was he with another girl?
Tingting looked at her cell phone and thought of all kinds of unbearable pictures.
1. Uncomfortable outburst: Worried about her boyfriend’s derailment, “Ah Hong, why did you come back so late and didn’t answer the phone? Is there someone else outside?”?
Tingting asked the object excitedly.
“I didn’t,” Ah Hong sighed helplessly. “I had dinner with a client tonight, so I didn’t reply to you in time.
“Tingting couldn’t help shouting at him:” You’re lying! After so long, how can you not read the news, you must be lying to me! Say, are you with someone else, so you don’t reply to me?
！」 “Are you finished?” All of a sudden, Ah Hung also became angry. “You doubt me because you are too suspicious!”! Do you want to go on with your life like this every day? Then he sat up in bed and stormed off to sleep in the next room.
Tingting’s heart is also very tangled and painful.
She’s been with Hiro for two years.
Everything is perfect, except that she can’t accept Ah Hong’s slow response to messages, and sometimes she can’t find someone to socialize with.
Two people often quarrel about it.
She always thought: “You do this line of sales, every day to stare at the phone, how can hour or two not back to the message?”?
If something happens, it is also because it is inconvenient to go to entertainment places and accompany other girls.
There is no other reason.
Because every time she thought of these unbearable pictures, she was very angry and uneasy when Ah Hong replied to the message later.
I couldn’t help pestering him and asking him where he had gone.
It was okay at first.
Wait until Tingting’s uneasiness is more and more intense, how to appease is useless, Ah Hong is also very aggrieved and upset.
He would yell at her angrily, saying that she liked to think and not give people space. As a result, “world wars” broke out again and again.
Feeling that the object’s attitude is getting colder and colder, Tingting is a little restless, very worried that he will give up this two-year relationship.
So she came to me in a hurry, hoping to adjust her sense of insecurity through psychological counseling and stop having conflicts with her partner so frequently.
2. Change of perspective: From “He wants to give me a sense of security” to “What can I do?” At the first consultation, Tingting was very anxious: “Teacher Qin, I always worry that my partner didn’t answer the phone and couldn’t find anyone because he was with other girls.
Then I broke down and quarreled with him. What do
you think I should do? When I
heard this, I gave her a feedback: It sounds like you are very anxious, uneasy and frightened.
It’s like when he doesn’t answer your phone, it means he’s cheating.
You don’t seem to trust him, do you?
When I said “trust,” Tingting nodded: “Yes! This is the state.
I can hardly believe that he really likes me and wants to go on with me.
So I had to keep trying to find out and listen to him to comfort me so that I could rest assured.
As Tingting spoke, her voice became smaller and smaller: I have been very insecure since I was a child.
Because my parents often go on business trips, they put me at my grandparents’ house.
Sometimes when I make a lot of noise, they coax me to say that they will take me with them and leave while I am asleep.
She suddenly choked up: When I woke up, I couldn’t find anyone, so I broke down and cried on the bed, and the pillow towel was wet.
So I became very clingy and always hoped that the object would reply to me immediately. If
he does not reply, I am very worried about experiencing the situation of sudden disappearance and disconnection.
I was brought into that sad, frightened mood by her. After a
quiet experience, I began to interpret her object-relational model: It sounds like you have a lot of fear and worry in your heart.
You want your partner to get back to you immediately, and he feels betrayed when he doesn’t hear from you.
It also reminds me that your parents betrayed your trust and cheated you to stay at your grandparents’house.
So it’s hard for you to trust in a relationship, and you’re afraid of being hurt and betrayed again, right?
Hearing my words, Tingting covered her face and began to cry.
After a long time, she said, “Yes.”.
Now I know that the source of insecurity is here.
I was really afraid that like my parents, he would disappear without saying hello and leave me alone at my grandparents’ house.
When she began to realize that this insecurity was mainly due to her early experience, I also taught her a technique in psychological counseling-distinction (Jones-Smith, 2011).
Simply put, when she can’t find anyone and she suspects Ah Hong’s derailment, don’t rush to worry and fear.
But think carefully, this negative emotion is brought by parents in the past, or the object from the real level, there is really the possibility of cheating on other girls.
If Tingting can realize that there is no risk of being involved in the intimate relationship, that her boyfriend has no sign of leaving her, and that the sense of insecurity is more caused by her own psychological shadow, then she will not be so afraid. After
I introduced this technique, Tingting nodded and said, “Teacher Qin, I think your method should be helpful and make me less worried.”.
But you know, it’s hard to say.
If I don’t ask him why he doesn’t answer the phone, where he is and who he is with, how can I make sure that I am really safe?
So I couldn’t help testing him. I
caught her thinking that she wanted to control the object and make sure she was 100% safe, and I gave her feedback like this: It sounds like you want to control Hiro and eliminate all the dangerous factors, and then you feel that you can rest assured, right?
“Tingting replied,” Yes, I think so.
“Have you ever thought,” I paused, “that you can’t control your boyfriend, and you can’t supervise him not to cheat or leave you?
Because he’s an independent adult, unless you put a camera on him, 24 hours a day, he always has a chance to do something, right?
Tingting was a little stunned.
She looked down and said, You’re right.
That’s what I’ve been worried about.
When she realized the uncontrollability of external factors, I also guided her to look inward, turn her locus of control inward, and focus on what she could control.
I asked her, “Your idea before was to test and control Hiro to make sure he was loyal and trustworthy, right?”? Can
we change our way of thinking and ignore this external and uncontrollable factor.
Then focus on what you can do to reduce the probability of his flirting and cheating with other girls?
According to the theory of locus of control (Lefcourt, 2014), when facing a challenge or difficulty, whether to focus on internal or external factors will significantly affect your thinking and behavioral response.
If you are used to looking for reasons from the outside world and always suspect that the object wants to betray, it is easy to feel anxious, angry, and very worried about gains and losses. If you put the control point on yourself and think more about “what efforts I can make,” then you will have more confidence, motivation, and a sense of control.
Hearing my introduction, Tingting’s eyes suddenly lit up. “I want to take control in my own hands and not be so anxious and passive,”
she said with some excitement. Teacher
Tan, what can I do?
I led her to think, Let’s assume that if your boyfriend cheats on you, what do you think is wrong with your intimate relationship, and what can you do to prevent it?
Tingting thought for a moment and said in a low voice, If he has an affair, it may be because other girls are more gentle and sensible and can provide him with emotional value.
Unlike me, I often make trouble for him because of insecurity and force him to coax me and comfort me. When I heard
her say this, I made a feedback: It’s great that you begin to realize the problem.
Can you change the way you communicate when you lack a sense of security and can’t help suspecting him and quarreling with him, so as to avoid his annoyance?
Through more than ten minutes of discussion, Tingting found her “inner control point” — when she was angry and worried, she would no longer vent all her negative emotions on her boyfriend.
But to calm down and see if you can digest the fear of being abandoned.
If you can, stop testing your partner; if you’re still very emotional, discuss it with your partner or a counselor.
Try to make your partner feel respected and treated gently, and avoid using coercion to achieve your goals.
Then I asked Tingting to assess: “If you use this method of internal control, what is the probability that the object betrays you? Will it be lower than before?”?
“She thought for a moment and said,” I think I’ll worry a lot less.
Because you told me a new way of thinking, not to force those who can not control, from their own control to adjust.
In this way, I have a direction to work hard, and I am not so anxious and worried. To
sort it out briefly, when you are in a very uneasy state and can’t trust your partner, you can first make a distinction: Is this caused by a bad experience in the past, or is he really at risk of betraying me?
When you find that the relationship is actually safe and your worries are caused by psychological shadow, the fear of being cheated will be much better.
Of course, if you really have a problem with your lover, or if you want absolute security, you can try to turn from “external control” to “internal control.” It’s not to test and control your partner, and then become anxious and worried about gains and losses because of incompetence. Instead, you can start from controllable internal factors and find your own direction to solve the problem.
When you shift your thinking and focus on internal control points, you feel more in control and secure.
After a week, Tingting told me, Teacher Qin, the methods you mentioned helped me a lot in the first few days.
I also try to trust him and communicate more gently and peacefully. The situation
of quarreling is much better.
“But,” she said in distress, “I feel that this situation is very difficult to maintain.
Sometimes the feeling of insecurity is too much.
I couldn’t help doubting him and questioning whether he had gone to find other girls.
As a result, they began to quarrel again. What
do you think should be done in this state?
Feeling Tingting’s anxiety, I asked her further about her troubles: It sounds like in the process of execution, you will fall into a mood of uneasiness and suspicion, right? Would
you like to say more about what happened in the middle that made it impossible for you to keep it up?
“Tingting sighed and said,” If I don’t test him and ask him where he is, I will still be very anxious.
Maybe I can control my emotions at first, but then I can’t stick to it.
After talking to her, I realized that the crux of the problem was that she was taking too big a step. She
suddenly broke her inherent habits, from very control to complete trust and respect, and as a result, she was overwhelmed by a strong sense of anxiety.
To help her adapt better, I told her about a “small step” change — a graded task assignment.
Simply put, this method is to break down the difficult overall goal into small, achievable sub-goals.
Then we follow the path and gradually complete these tasks (Beck & Beck, 2011).
I asked Tingting, “If building trust and a secure intimate relationship is the end point, and the current state is the starting point, to what extent do you think you can adjust to the next stop?”?
I was able to stop yelling at him and suspect him of being outside with other girls.
“Tingting thought for a moment and continued hesitantly,” But I still can’t help testing him to find out where he is, otherwise I can’t let go.
“I encouraged her and said,” If you can think of the first step, you are off to a good start.
Let’s make “controlling emotions and the imagination of being cheated” the first stop.
So if we continue to build trust, what is the goal you can achieve in the second stop?
“Well,” Nini thought for a moment and answered me, “I guess I can do it. When he wants to socialize, I won’t ask every time.
Just occasionally make a video call to see if he is really socializing.
What about the third stop?
I should basically believe him, and I won’t ask much if he says hello, unless sometimes I’m really anxious.
Through graded tasks, I guided Tingting to break down the challenging overall goal of “trusting Ah Hong and no longer being suspicious” and turn it into several sub-tasks that can be completed step by step.
In this way, Tingting will not feel the pressure mountain, after a few days can not hold on to want to give up.
In the process of carrying out the graded task, Tingting also complained to me: Teacher Qin, I feel very tired and hard to change.
I’m also thinking, is it better to give up this relationship and find a guy who makes me feel safe?
But Hiro and I have been together for two years, and we get along very well except for the lack of security, and we can’t bear to part with this relationship. What
do you think I should do?
I told her, “It must be painful, tiring and very anxious to break the pattern of your relationship for more than 20 years and try to get along with each other with mutual respect and trust.”.
Giving up is certainly an option, but you can also look for fuel to boost your motivation to change.
For example, self-comparisons in cognitive behavioral therapy.
Summarize the achievements of this stage, and then compare with the previous stage.
When we see ourselves growing and improving, we feel more fulfilled and more willing to persevere (Arkowitz, Beutler, & Simon, 2013; Beck & Beck, 2011).
I will look back with Tingting: Although there is still a long way to go from the overall goal, you feel that there is no hope of achieving it.
But compared with you in the past, you have made remarkable progress.
Like you, the state of shouting and losing control of your emotions has decreased a lot, and the frequency of quarreling with Ah Hong has also decreased. Isn’t that
a great achievement?
When I fed back her various changes, Tingting was a little stunned.
After a while she said, “Yes, Miss Chin.”.
I seem to only see that I still can’t trust him and want to control his side. I
didn’t realize that I had changed a lot in terms of communication and emotional management, but it was actually quite good.
Slowly, Tingting also began to learn to compare with herself in the past, constantly giving herself confidence to complete graded tasks.
In short, if you find it difficult to build a relationship of trust, you don’t need to force yourself to do it in one step.
You can divide the task into small, easy-to-achieve sub-goals and complete the total task step by step by grading the task. There are two things to consider in
this process: one is to make sure that the sub-goals are within your ability and can be achieved, and the other is to give yourself the motivation to stick to them when you feel painful and tired and see no hope.
For example, through self-comparison, we can see growth and change, and then we are more confident to achieve the overall goal.
4. Improve your self-esteem: Keep increasing your positive self-identity. A few weeks later, when Tingting came to consult, she told me, “Teacher Qin, I feel much better recently.”.
More and more can believe a Hong, cranky, worried that he will derail the situation to ease a lot.
“But,” she continued with a sigh, “I feel terrible now. I don’t deserve Hiro.
I was also afraid that he would dislike my emotional instability and break up with me directly.
How can I adjust my insecurity?
In order to help Tingting improve her sense of low value of “I’m terrible” and ease her fear of being abandoned, I introduced her to the concept of “multi-storied” in narrative therapy.
Narrative therapy holds that human life is made up of many stories.
These include “mainstream stories” and “side stories” (Payne, 2006).
For Tingting, her mainstream story is inferiority, anxiety, and feeling that she is not worthy of Ah Hong. We
need to “suit the remedy to the case.” We can explore the positive side stories in her.
Let her constantly accumulate a sense of self-identity and rewrite the mainstream story of “I don’t deserve it,” so that she can feel more secure when she gets along with her partner.
In order to achieve this goal, I asked her to think about the positive “exception”: “All you tell me is how bad you are and how unworthy of a boyfriend. Would
you like to talk more about what you have done well and what Hiro appreciates?
Tingting was a little stunned.
She thought for a moment and said, “I seem to have neglected this part before.”.
If I have to say it, I think I will care about him when I am in a good mood.
For example, when he comes back from drinking at night, I will cook sobering soup.
Or if he works late, I will prepare porridge and some of his favorite dishes in case he is hungry.
“Then I asked her,” Very good. Anything else? “
Well,” Tingting pondered for a moment and continued, “and I’m very kind to his parents.
On holidays and his parents’ birthdays, I will prepare gifts that the elderly like.
I buy supplements for my parents, and I will buy one for his parents. When
his family comes to Beijing, I will invite them to dinner and take them to various scenic spots.
It should also be considered filial.
With constant memories and narration, Tingting was surprised to find that she was not as bad as she had imagined.
Although she does have problems such as emotional control and worry about gains and losses, which affect her relationship with her partner, she also has many shining points.
For example, consideration, housework and filial piety to the elderly also give boyfriends a lot of support and emotional value.
When she keeps telling what she has done well and enriches the “I’m good” side story, the “unworthy” mainstream story is rewritten little by little, making her less worried about being abandoned by her partner.
In short, when you feel that you are not good enough and are worried about being abandoned by the object, you can use the framework of narrative therapy to think about the problem. Find
more positive “exceptions,” such as things you did well in the relationship that deserve to be appreciated, and keep growing the “I’m fine” side story.
When you have enough positive self-identity, your self-esteem level will also rise.
This adjusts the life story of “I don’t deserve it,” and makes it safer to get along with your lover.
5. Summary: How to say goodbye to uneasiness and build trust in your partner?
First, if you have had the experience of being hurt or cheated, leaving a psychological shadow, you can make a distinction: Is this feeling of being afraid that the object will betray caused by realistic factors or by past trauma?
If you pass the test and find that the current intimate relationship is safe and there is no risk of breaking up, your trust in your partner will also increase.
Second, we should change our thinking from exploring and controlling the other half to adjusting the internal controllable factors.
You can tell yourself, “He is an independent adult.”.
I can’t control him, and I can’t watch him 24 hours a day.
Then put the control point inside, think about what you can do to reduce the probability of cheating, and find a feasible adjustment direction.
Third, adopt the graded task method.
Think of building a trusting relationship as a general goal, break it down into small, easy-to-achieve subtasks, and then work your way through the general goal.
You need to make sure that the sub-tasks are within your ability, and find the motivation to build trust through self-comparison.
Fourth, if you feel bad about yourself and are always worried about being abandoned by your partner, you can think of more positive exceptions.
Such as the places where you do well and deserve to be appreciated.
When your sense of self-identity is high enough, you will rewrite the mainstream story of “I don’t deserve it,” and have more confidence and security in getting along with your partner.
— — — — “Note 1”: All published cases are authorized by visitors.
After necessary processing, polishing and detail adjustment, the information that can identify the identity of visitors is hidden.
“Note 2”: The article is a simplification of the psychological counseling process of the client, and does not have the effect of individual counseling.
If you have personalized problems, please refer to them selectively according to your own situation, or seek professional psychological counseling services.
— — — — References: Arkowitz, H., Beutler, L., & & Simon,K.M.(2013).Comprehensivehandbookofcognitivetherapy:SpringerScience&BusinessMedia.Beck,J.S.,& Beck,A.T.(2011).CognitiveBehaviorTherapy:BasicsandBeyond:GuilfordPublications.Jones-Smith, E.(2011).TheoriesofCounselingandPsychotherapy:AnIntegrativeApproach:SAGEPublications.Lefcourt, H.M.(2014).LocusofControl:CurrentTrendsinTheory&Research:Taylor& Francis. Payne, M. (2006). Narrative Therapy: SAGEPublications. Focus on Not Getting Lost ~
