My name is Wang Zhiguo. It’s a girl.
When Mom had the test, the umbilical cord was stuck somewhere, and it made me look like I had an extra one.
Grandpa got his grandkids named.
Until I was born, my grandfather died of brain bleeding, and I had the name “Death Star.”
No one’s willing to give a name to “Death Star.”
I’ve been living alone for 17 years under the name “King Zhi-chung”, a man of the age.
01
I missed the last bus this day because of the pain.
My mom still didn’t give me a change of living.
I called her.
“Mom…”
“Your mother’s going to have a baby. I’m sorry.
It was my dad. He hung up after he answered.
I called my sister again. I want to take a cab back. I’m sorry.
“Don’t you have a living allowance? Why ask me for money?”
“Mom didn’t call me last week. I don’t have any maintenance. I’m sorry.
In the third year of high school, the school runs small and medium, last week is a small week, with only one day off.
And I didn’t go home because the final exam was early this week and I was on leave early after.
Last Friday I called and asked my mother about the cost of living, and she gave it to me and never gave me a transfer.
I’ve only been able to save 30 bucks for a week.
The sound of my voice came from my father’s voice:
“What are you doing? Walking before you catch the bus! You call this shit, you pay for it? I’m sorry.
My sister’s like, “That’s what Dad said, so you come back. I’m sorry.
Go back…
The school is eight kilometres from home.
The weather forecast says there’s snow tonight, plus my condition…
It’s cold and the abdominal is starting to sting again.
I looked back at the locked doors of the school and decided to call the headmaster for help.
But when I turned on my phone again, I listened to the sound of “scramble” and the power was running low.
Must have been too hard to notice the power.
And the darker the day became darkened, and We were forced to fasten our coats and to bite on the way.
The school is on the edge of the county, and there are few people on the road, and this weather is even worse.
I walked alone in the shadows and was poured down by cold winds several times.
It’s not like it’s going home.
After another fall, I could not bear to cry with my suitcase.
Crys were drowned by the wind, and crying did nothing but cause me to lose strength and to increase discomfort.
I strewn out a bloofen and went on the road.
It’s like it started last month and it’s not working for me.
Once it had been enough to have one on the first day of its existence, it would have only reduced the symptoms.
After eating it, it’s always disgusting.
I couldn’t move, I couldn’t get over it, so I missed the last bus.
I have endured the sourness of my stomach moving forward, not knowing how long it has gone, and the surroundings are finally no longer a darkness.
Looking at the familiar crossroads, I stung my feet almost unconscious and tried to accelerate.
But just a few steps out of the way, I felt a black eye, and I fell into a bush by the side of the road.
I struggled to remember, but I caught a muddy hand.
The limbs have been frozen for a long time.
My face is covered in cold dirt, and my breath smells like dirt.
It’s as if the chest was strangulated, and I couldn’t tell if it hurt more or whether it hurt more.
At the first moment of closing my eyes, a chill fell on my cheek.
A few white shadows wandered in the air.
Little town snowed.
And when you open your eyes, the pain disappears and your body is as light as I am snowflake.
Watching my body covered in snow, I know I’m dead.
Dead two kilometres from home.
I’m heading towards my home, and it’s been a very difficult journey.
It was dark, and I remembered my mother giving birth at the hospital, and now the whole family was in the hospital.
Following the smell of my family, I floated to the door of the delivery room.
02
Grandma’s hands are tied and she says to the ceiling:
“Blessed be a fat boy, blessed be the Lord, blessed be the Lord! I’m sorry.
Grandma gave birth to two sons, and the mission of “the heirloom” has been completed, but my father is the eldest son, and she regrets not having her grandson for her life.
So when the policy was let go, Mom and Dad risked their lives and they put up three.
To be precise, it’s risking my mother’s life.
But she was happy because it was her wish.
My sister was two years old, and my mother had a birth certificate and my grandfather had a name.
Wang Zhiguo. It’s a good name for a country that wants to work for it.
But I was born to know that it was the umbilical cord that got me to look like I had an extra one.
My mother hasn’t had a moon yet, and my grandfather died of a brain hemorrhage because of a farm job.
No one’s ever thought of a name for “Death Star.”
I’ve been living alone for 17 years under the name “King Zhi-chung”, a man of the age.
On the seventh birthday, Dad came home with half a rib.
I thought he was finally giving me his birthday, and he’d be careful to rip his crotch. “Dad, how about we have a sweet veggie rib tonight? I’m sorry.
He strangled my face with smoked hands:
“Big Li’s daughter is married out of town, and the bride price is $120,000. In a few years, we’ve grown up and we can’t miss that. I’m sorry.
He took the ribs to my mother and turned his head and looked at me. I’m sorry.
He doesn’t remember my birthday.
The only reason I bought ribs was because I won.
I will never forget his eyes when he looked like a wise wolf.
In this house, the only person who remembers my birthday is my sister.
When she was five years old, she lost her family’s account book, and her mother took her to the police station to collect it.
And when she came back, she looked at me with a strange look, “You were born on May 18th. I thought you didn’t have a birthday. I’m sorry.
She probably didn’t know. I knew my birthday at that time.
The next year she gave me a crystal ball missing a corner of the bottom.
“My little buddy gave it to me on my birthday. You don’t have a birthday present. It’s pathetic. I’m sorry.
It was something she didn’t want, but I was happy to take it.
If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t even know my birthday for a long time.
Despite the poor relationship between our sisters, this is still a warm and rare memory in my desolate life.
The village said Grandma wanted to give me away when I was born.
But my mom couldn’t take it, and my dad barely agreed to stay for the bride price.
Unfortunately, with Grandma’s blame and Dad’s apathy, Mom finally became like them and started to regret leaving me behind.
My birth was the beginning of her bitter days, so I couldn’t celebrate my birthday like my sister, and there was always a candle missing in my life.
After school, I got the courage to ask my mother about my name:
“Mommy, can I call Cing Nam? I’m sorry.
My mother looked at me and said, “Your father named you. I can’t change your name. I’m sorry.
I didn’t know that was meant to kill me, and I asked my dad:
“Dad, would Grandpa be upset if I changed my name? Can you burn some more money for Grandpa on the festival? I’m sorry.
“Cool! I’m sorry.
My dad slapped me, put the money in my pocket and yelled at me like I was a monster.
“I’m going to win real money. You’re gonna give me paper money? If I don’t come back today, I’ll kill you! I’m sorry.
I’m afraid of being beaten and I’m hiding in a corn pile in the attic.
As a result, she fell asleep and was found by her family and did not escape a beating.
My mom yells, “You can’t hear me all day, can you? I knew it would take so much to keep you here. I’m sorry.
Mom, as you wish, I’m really dead this time.
03
It was over 2:00 in the morning, and the door was finally opened.
“Fon Ping’s family, congratulations on the birth of a young man. I’m sorry.
Grandma said “Amida Buddha” several times.
Dad took his brother and made a smile.
My sister was already in front of my mother, and her eyes were filled with pain.
What a happy family.
No one would think that when they were enjoying their brother’s birth, I had another layer of snow.
The first to find my body was the sanitation worker.
The police quickly contacted my father, who initially hung up on the phone as a fraud and then called my mother and still hung up.
They didn’t realize anything was wrong until my sister got a call.
My sister was sent home, and she rushed to the police station after she found out there was no one left.
“We looked at the controls at the intersection and, in the light of your sister’s condition and weather, concluded that her death was accidental and that you could take her to cremation at any time. I’m sorry.
Sister Mu Nadi listened and then came out of the police station faceless and returned to the hospital to show some unease.
Mom leaned on the bed, and the brow confirmed: “What do you mean, really your sister?” I’m sorry.
Sister nod.
“She … the one who came yesterday said that she would faint when she was physically weak, and that the snow would not be discovered in time. I’m sorry.
Mom’s been quiet for a while.
“How do we know if she doesn’t say she’s not feeling well? I’m sorry.
My dad’s got a long face, “This is a loss! I called yesterday and asked for money for a cab, so I couldn’t walk a few steps. I’m sorry.
When I heard my father, my mother looked at him with surprise and quickly withdrew her sight.
“She asked me for a living, but I was about to be born. How can I think about something else?
If she saves some flowers, she won’t even have the money to go home! I’m sorry.
My sister was so busy slapping Mom’s back:
“Mom, you can’t get excited right now. Little Zilong spent the night reading. It’s definitely because of low resistance. I’m sorry.
Grandma’s hand in hand means she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
Did the police say when she didn’t? I’m sorry.
“They say, in terms of the level of freezing, it’s not in the morning, and it’s almost the same time as my brother’s delivery room…”
Sister seems to have thought of something, and it’s getting weird, and it’s flying over his sleeping brother.
Grandma got up and said, “I’m going to get my things ready. I’m going to get two things together. I’m sorry.
I’m laughing at them. I’ve had a hard life. How come I’m here?
They’re all trying to get rid of me, but each one of them is a murderer.
They started killing me from the moment I was born, and they finally succeeded until the moment I fell.
04
The third day I died, my father and sister went to the dorm and packed my things and sent me to cremate.
On the way, after I had done it, he called my sister, saying that she was too old to marry and that in a few years she would not be worth it.
They’ve calculated well so that after high school, our sisters can raise the bride price and if they want to go to college, they have to earn their own tuition and maintenance.
If we graduate successfully, the bride price will rise, and what they do is make sure they don’t lose.
Just didn’t count I’d die.
Two years ago, my sister didn’t go to a good college, thought she’d earn money to go to school. She didn’t report for school, took her luggage and went out to work alone.
This time I came back to see my mom.
My mother was always better at her than at me, and it was normal for her to miss.
My sister and mother depend on each other, my grandmother and my mother and my son, and I’m the only one left without them, like an outsider.
The day my mother got out of the hospital, Grandma burned paper under a tree in front of the hospital.
But I wasn’t sent away by these tricks, and I followed them home.
As soon as I got in the house, my grandmother had a scent on my last photo.
‘Silk, Zilk, dust, dust to dust. Take your way to your shadows, and there will be no turning back on the sun. Go to your place.’ I’m sorry.
Look at yourself in black and white, I laugh.
The photo is on my student card. It’s ugly.
My dad didn’t put a picture on my gravestone to save money.
Fortunately not.
“Mom, why don’t we just leave the photo out? Or I’ll have my birthday again. I’m sorry.
My dad took a black and white look at me, and my eyes were full of shit.
Grandma swung her head, and said, “You don’t understand. It’s the timing of the day. After the end of the seven, I’ll get the master to do the law, and it’s not too late. I’m sorry.
The last thing she said was low, so I couldn’t hear.
My mom’s changed.
“Mom, I don’t want to be in the house yet. I didn’t have to pay for the photos, I didn’t have to do legal matters, so I raised her. I’m sorry.
Mom’s having a baby brother. She’s got a hard voice.
But Mom, why are you so afraid to see my picture?
In the middle of the dispute, the Lord’s bedroom spread weeping.
They swarm in and whispered around their brother.
But crying is more than that.
I can’t help but touch his little face.
I’m a soul. I can’t touch anything.
He laughed.
Can he see me?
My brother put out his hand to grab me, and his little arms were swinging in the air, and he screamed at us.
“He wants a toy. My sister says:
My dad pulls out some toys in his bag and makes his baby boy happy.
If this was a girl, her childhood would probably only be spent in a boy’s toy.
She’ll still have a boy’s name like me.
My brother Wang Hong Wan was the one my father had chosen long ago.
He’s satisfied with their expectations, and I’m glad for him. His life will never be like mine.
“Look at Daddy. Do you like this? Or do you like dinosaurs? I’m sorry.
My father was in front of him with a toy, but his brother ignored him, with a pair of dark and bright little eyes staring at me and spitting a bubble in his mouth.
My sister looked back at me.
Of course she can’t see me and she can’t look back.
“Why are you staring at the curtains? There’s nothing there…”
As soon as my sister’s voice went down, my grandmother turned around and took a pair of scissors.
“Put under the pillow, or the kids will cry at night if they see something dirty! I’m sorry.
“Mother, how can a child not cry?” It’s not safe. Take it out. I’m sorry.
Grandma went to bed with herself, and she said, “You’re good, you’re not hurt! My dear grandson, you don’t hurt, I hurt! I’m sorry.
It’s probably scared of Grandma’s harsh tone and his brother cried.
My mom looked at my dad for nothing and she seemed to want my dad to take the scissors, but my dad looked back.
Why are you staring? I’m sorry.
Turns out nothing superstition is superstitious.
I’m not allowed to leave my picture because I feel like my brother’s birthday is bad, and I’m putting scissors under my pillow and so my brother can sleep.
He and his grandmother were on the same side, sometimes with differences, but the end goal was to keep their baby son and grandson healthy.
They love him.
“Mom, give me that.”
My dad took the scissors and hung it on the bedside.
“That’s good. What’s so noisy? I don’t have a brain. I’m sorry.
My mother hugged her brother, slapped him on the back, saw the scissors on the bed’s head, and my dad yelled at her and she didn’t react.
Mom, did you finally find out that having a son doesn’t change your place in this family?
It’s not me you should hate, it’s the savage mother and son.
“I’m going to put Bao to sleep. I’m sorry.
It’s my mom.
I followed my sister to my room.
05
Two beds, one desk in the middle and one closet at the end of the bed are in the square room.
In the year of the second year, the land was requisitioned, and Mom and Dad went to the county to buy the house with compensation and started a fast-food restaurant.
My sister went to high school in town, they all moved to town, and I was the only one who went to high school in town.
Mom and Dad asked me to stay in school and went back to the city by the end of the week.
I’m in the same room as my sister and my parents are in the same room as Grandma.
Although this is my room with my sister, I come home only on weekends, like an outsider, and I’m always careful.
My sister’s clothes were all tied up in the closet, and my poor pieces were stuck in the bottom compartment.
It’s hers too.
All I’ve been wearing were her old clothes, old shoes, her old school bag, the headline she didn’t want, cold skin in winter, and only a little cream.
The day she left home to work, she left her closet empty and stood by the bed and said to me:
“I’m not here anymore. The closet and the desk are yours. Are you happy?
“But don’t get too excited if you don’t get a scholarship or a grant, or if you have to go out and work like me. I’m sorry.
She was laughing.
“I’ve been beaten by my dad, I’ve been scolded by my grandmother, only my mother has been nice to me. All you know is your name’s a boy, but is Wang Tsing Nam good? You owe him!
“In order to make you a boy, they sacrificed my name. Is that what I should have done? I’m sorry.
She thought if I were a brother, Mom and Dad wouldn’t be so angry, she’d be better off than she is now.
But what she did not know was that my clothes were not enough to fill the closet after she left, that at least she had a mother who loved her and that I had never had a mother’s love.
I reached out and touched the books on the floor, though I knew it wouldn’t work.
But I turned the book on!
Not only can I be seen by my brother, but can I touch my own things?
I went to my pillows, school clothes, sweaters, sweaters. That’s my sister’s old dress.
I’m the only one who can feel it.
Why did he see me?
I pick up a pen that I want to write, but I can’t help it, and every time I hold it, it always falls out of my hand.
It’s like there’s an unwritten rule that I can’t deliver to the living.
“Small, Xiaoji…”
Her sister was panicking out of the room and when she came back with her father and grandmother, everything was back to normal.
I watched her be accused in silence and felt an unprecedented joy.
She put it by the door, and her eyes were scared, “I don’t want to sleep here alone. I’m sorry.
Grandma and Dad looked at each other, “All right, then sleep with me.” I’m sorry.
The next morning, my sister looked in the living room with her belly covered.
“Mom, is there no medicine at home? I’m here. My stomach hurts.
Grandma went to the bathroom with the sheets, and the road went out and smote her. Just take it. What’s on? I’m sorry.
“How can you stand this?” She rises up, wrinkles and leans on the cupboard for the next second.
“Grandma, did you hide your medicine again? I’m sorry.
“How many times have I told you, medicine is what you eat when you’re sick, you don’t eat when you’re supposed to eat, you throw it away and you feel bad, why don’t you listen? I’m sorry.
Grandma changed her color, “Who’s going to throw it after the deadline?” It’s all your mother’s. I don’t know about thrift! I’m sorry.
She stopped arguing with her and turned around to look for medicine in Grandma’s room.
Grandmother, drop the sheets and go after them.
The sound shocked Mom and Dad, and they came to see the situation.
“I knew it! I’m sorry.
Questioning:
“It’s more than a year old and you’re hiding it. Where’s that? Give it to me!”
“A bottle of medicine is worth making a fuss. I’m sorry.
Dad stretches out and turns around.
Mom took the medicine from her sister, looked at the bottle and said to Grandma:
“Mom, you’re a woman, why can’t you understand? I threw out the medicine and you wouldn’t take it out. I bought Nan a new one. I’m sorry.
“Don’t waste it. It’s good medicine. Take it. I’m sorry.
Grandma took back the medicine and put it in her sister’s hand.
My sister was so angry, “Look, it’ll last until…”
“I’m not blind!” Grandma waved and hesitated for a moment to say:
“I took this from Zhiguo. The bottle is old and the medicine is not expired. I’m sorry.
Mom looked up like she thought of something.
She came to my room, flipped my half of the bottle of Broven out of the bag, more shocked than after.
“Mom, did you change Shizuku’s pills?”
06
Grandma didn’t think, “Isn’t it all medicine? I’m just keeping it for her. When the old ones are finished, eat new ones! I’m sorry.
And my sister is tired of saying, “It’s because of the pain that Shizuku missed the bus, but how can the expired medicine stop the pain…”
Yeah, it’s not just an out-of-date medicine that doesn’t stop the pain, it’s also a heart attack and a sick stomach.
No wonder the pills were not used, and I was deprived of my right to have a painkiller every month.
Grandma looked at her eyes and cried out to her sister:
“Did I kill her? The police said it was an accident. Don’t blame me! I’m sorry.
She’s talking and walking to the door.
I blew up the books.
The big-handed English dictionary tripped on her feet, and she hit her head on the front of the door, and the forehead was blue.
“It’s your mom’s face.”
Grandma turned back on her forehead and screamed to stop when she touched her mother and sister ‘ s astonishment.
She ran away in the name of Amida Buddha.
My sister shivered her hand on her arm, “Mom…”
Mom looked at my bag and said, “Didn’t it hurt? Take your pills and get some rest. I’m sorry.
She delivered both bottles to her sister and then crouched down to pick up the scattered books.
“Don’t pile too high, easy to fall. I’m sorry.
Grandma was afraid to come near my room and sister moved to sleep in the living room.
It’s just Mom, sitting in my bed every day, wondering what to think.
In a few days, Mom will return her milk.
Grandma wanted to make soup and milk, but my mom didn’t want to drink her tacos and offered to see a doctor.
For my brother, my dad agreed.
My mother’s first statement to the doctor was not about her symptoms, but about:
“Doctor, do you have any side effects when people eat expired Broven? I’m sorry.
My dad stopped for a few seconds, and my mom said:
“If you’ve eaten an expired Broven for two months in a row, will you die? I’m sorry.
The doctor took his glasses and looked up to him:
“Absolutely, a small amount of time-expired Brofen is not fatal, but it is impossible to alleviate the condition, and the specific side effects vary from person to person and cannot completely exclude death. I’m sorry.
“Who took out-of-date drugs? How many? What are the symptoms? I’m sorry.
My mom shakes her head again, “No, it’s okay, I’m just asking. I’m sorry.
“Why do you ask? It’s important! My dad’s rush.
However, after talking to the doctor, she was advised to go to the psychiatric department.
“Isn’t this a good thing? You can have a psychotic child? I’m sorry.
The doctor was a middle-aged woman, and he was gentle, but when he heard my father’s words, he suddenly cooled off.
“Remilk is very common, and even more important is the reason for it. The mental health of the mother is very important, and if you encounter an unhappy situation, it is important that you do it in a timely manner, otherwise it is not good for adults and children. I’m sorry.
My dad hesitated for a while, pulling my mom out, “Look, look, there’s no milk! I’m sorry.
My mom followed him a long way and suddenly stopped.
“What now? I’m sorry.
“It’s okay, just look. I’m sorry.
“It’s you who’s coming to the hospital. What’s wrong with you now? I’m sorry.
Only my mom and the doctor in the diagnostic room.
At last, after a soft examination by the doctor, she took my death to the street.
“I didn’t mean not to call her for maintenance. I just forgot. If I got a call, I wouldn’t have let her come back alone.”
“I know my mother-in-law doesn’t like her, but I didn’t think she’d even change her kids’ pills.
Doctors are used to all kinds of people and things, and they’re not too emotional.
“You came to the hospital to further confirm who was more responsible for the death of your daughter. At the same time, you also believe that if you change the cost of living, there will be nothing wrong with her, whether or not she’s on expired medication. I’m sorry.
“It’s not a bad thing, it means you’re finally going to face it, not to run away, and it’s the first step out of the pain. I’m sorry.
My mom cried like a tearman.
But, Mom, you’re not gonna make it up to me any more.
I had a bad cold in the winter of the third year, and you threw me a couple of herbs, and you said, “You take it back to school, the restaurant’s busy, we don’t have time to take you to the hospital, eat for a few days. I’m sorry.
And then I coughed, and then next weekend I came home with a fever, and you gave me a deflammation pill, “I’m sweating out, and this is a normal season. I’m sorry.
But I told you, “I’ve had a fever in school for two days, and I’ve had this medicine teacher for me, and it’s been a long time. I’m sorry.
You’ve never looked away from my feelings, and you’ve never been patient with me.
You didn’t allow me to go to the city for medical treatment until I was coughing more and the school teacher called you.
When the doctor told me I had bacterial pneumonia, you said, “How about taking a pill without an injection?” I’m sorry.
07
You don’t want to spend time on me, and the last thing I did was go to the hospital alone and hang the bottle for seven days.
It’s hard for a nurse’s sister to give me a fruit every day because you only blame me for being sick and eating fruit.
After high school, I became more isolated.
The headmaster said that the entrance examination was over 600 points, or ranked as a pre-school 5 and that the school would award scholarships, up to a maximum of fully enough to pay university fees.
So I went to school, and it was my only way out.
First semester’s final exam, I’m in 15th grade.
In general high schools like ours in small towns and cities, there’s a big difference, not a few 600 points a year, and perhaps the top five can barely get to the top five.
Those in the back, who are charred in school, are effectively dumped by those in high schools who do not know a few blocks, and may not even reach the minimum score for a good school.
I can’t fight a good family and smart first grade, and ordinary people like me can only do it in the dumbest way — spend more time.
As long as they are in the top five, even if they do not receive the highest scholarship, they cannot afford to report to the university.
Second semester, I’m finally in first ten years.
But my mental state is much worse.
I’m not just sensitive, depressed, I’m beginning to fear and communicate.
Even if the teacher talked to me, I was so restless that I ran out of the office before she finished.
You preach, don’t spend time on what prevents you from achieving your goals.
Your goal is to earn money, and my goal is to get into a good college.
I feel that talking to people is also time-consuming and can affect learning, just as you don’t want to spend time on me, and I don’t want to spend time on anything other than learning.
But it was counterproductive.
When I fell out of the first 20 years of my grades, my body went bad, my menstrual period started to go crazy, and every time I was in pain.
On the Internet, it’s said that bad moods can have an impact and that Chinese medicine can be used.
But Grandma said, “How can a girl be painless?” It’s over.
And you, too, told me that you weren’t so sweet when you were young that I bought my own painkillers.
I went to the middle school hospital once, but the number on the bill was far beyond my cost of living and saved a semester.
It’s just a cure, and the doctor says no longer.
So I comforted myself, and patience passed.
I survived the year of pneumonia, the years of pain, but not this year’s snow, and daily neglect and partiality.
My mother was diagnosed with post-partum depression, and the doctor advised her to sort out my belongings and give me a good sacrifice so that the depression could be released.
Back home, she left her brother with her father and grandmother and took her sister to make up the room.
Mom was stunned when she opened my suitcase, “Is that all she had?” I’m sorry.
Sister was silent for a moment, “She’s… I’m sorry.
Mom didn’t talk, she did a few of my poor clothes and opened the drawer.
There’s a couple of stationery in there, and a broken crystal ball.
My sister looked up and whispered, “I can’t believe I kept it. I’m sorry.
My mom seems to be interested in crystal ball, watching and watching.
“The little man here, like your sister? I remember she had one of these when she was a kid.
It was a cold winter, and I bought you both a new tampons. Yours was yellow and hers was pink. I’m sorry.
She put the crystal ball on her side, “Just put it in the living room. There’s always a trace of her in this house. I’m sorry.
But Mom, how can you forget that in the winter you bought back only one tampons?
Pink is the color that my sister liked, and then she didn’t buy pink because of her size and drew a turtle on my dress with a paint pen.
When I packed the bottom drawer, my mother touched a book of ink green shells.
I’m unconscious to rob.
The book came out of her hand, and both were surprised.
Mom picked it up, and the page opened with a poem:
“There is no other way to fall, as if he had known him. I’m sorry.
“If there’s a new life, I want to be a swallow, because people always expect it to come back. I’m sorry.
“If I can, I’ll change my name, I’m no longer Wang Zhigu. I’ll call Yin Yin, who is expected. I’m sorry.
That’s the diary I wrote at the second hour.
I named myself in my favorite poems in my language textbooks, and I longed to change my destiny by reading.
I thought that one day, I could proudly tell them to call me Yan.
But now that my secrets have been announced in advance, I have no chance to make it happen.
“Swallow… OK, be a swallow, go wherever you want. I’m sorry.
My mother was murmured, gently touched the yellow paper, and quickly removed her hand before the tears fell.
My sister looks at the diary and looks like she’s feeling a bit ill.
08
A few times she opened her mouth and finally made a sound:
“Mom, the police said the last phone call was for me…
“She said she missed the bus and asked me to turn the money back, but Dad said to let her walk back.”
“Mom, I’m sorry, if I knew she would I’d turn.”
Mom’s eyes are red and she’s in front of her sister, “You know? Why do you listen to your father if you know she’s not well? You knew your father was with her.
Then she began to cry, and the tears of the bean fell on my diary, and fainted with ink.
“Mom, I’m sorry. You hit me, as long as you don’t get mad. I’m sorry.
Mom sobbing and shaking her head and cuddling with her sister.
“I didn’t protect her, I didn’t protect her…”
Mom gave me a new funeral.
Filling the tombstones with offerings and flowers, and inviting people to recite.
The name on the tablet has been changed to “The Wang Yin Yin”.
The “legal matter” that Grandma had long spoken about was finally carried out, although she was pleased that it was not for the “exorcism” she had hoped for.
As soon as the funeral is over, their mistakes can be erased and their lives made better.
The people of the world have always been able to comfort themselves, and they have 10,000 ways to exonerate themselves.
But there is no way to make up for the victims.
Those days of suffering can never be repeated.
I touched the yellow petals.
The fluffy touch crossed the fingertips and I can touch it this time.
So the flowers are really for me. They belong to me?
But it took a few days to die.
Mom, sister, will your apologies still exist when the flowers die?
Dad, Grandma, when will your apologies wait?
I beat down the bouquet and the offering was taken down.
It happens to be a wind, with scattered petals scattered.
My sister was too busy hiding behind her mother, and my father was in front of a few people, and he was very strong and he didn’t say a word.
Grandma kept the “magic” in mind, but he had to turn his head.
I was about to scare my dad and grandma again, but the bell broke.
It’s my class teacher.
“Mommy Chi, I’ve been thinking about it for a long time and I think I should still call you. I’m sorry.
“The final exam is long overdue, with 602 scores, the fourth grade, the first class, and the best in her third grade.
“She’s a really good kid. Can you hear me?
My mom couldn’t stop crying when she heard 602.
Mom, look, I’m a stupid bird that can fly in the front, and I’m a daughter who can make you proud.
My father took his cell phone with all his frenzied face. “He’s gone, he’s on 700 points.
“Mr. Chan, thank you. I’m sorry.
My mom grabbed my phone and pushed my dad so hard, she couldn’t hide her anger.
She repositioned her supplies and flowers.
Yin Yin, do you hear me? The teacher says you’re good at it. If you’re still here…
“Mom’s thinking of having a brother, and I’m not getting any harder, but it’s too late. Will you forgive me?” I’m sorry.
“Yin Yin, if you forgive your mother, take a petal and take it as if you had taken it, you, take one!” Just one, please…
And We touched the flowers again, and took off a petal, easy for me.
But forgive her, I can’t.
My mother looked at the undisturbed bouquet and cried again.
My dad pulled her from the ground.
“Come on, Sanbao’s still home, so my daughter-in-law looks at me. We’ve got a son. I’m sorry.
When the voice came down, he was punched in the mouth by Grandma.
“Something without taboo! I’m sending her away. Don’t bother her again! I’m sorry.
After cursing my father, she went to the candles and supplies that had not been lit.
She prepared those things. I couldn’t touch them.
My dad looked impatient and noded and let my mom go.
“Well, let’s just say it’s for Sanbao. I’m sorry.
“Dad, that’s enough!”
My sister is holding on to her mother, and the long-suffering anger has finally erupted:
“You know your son. Since you only want your son, you’ll have to point to your brother. Don’t let my daughter give you old age! I’m sorry.
My dad stopped for a second and turned his back and he threw his hand at my sister.
I’m holding the bouquet.
As a result of inertia, he retreated a few steps back to the side of the steps, and fell back and forth.
Grandma was rushing to get there, and I brought up the bouquets to lighten her back, and she slipped and fell.
09
My dad broke his right leg and Grandma’s old bone is fine.
However, during the examination, the doctor looked at her and made her undergo a full medical examination.
Of course she didn’t want to go until the doctor said she could get cancer, so she couldn’t check it out.
That’s a good one.
Rectal cancer, medium term.
She said there had been blood for some time, but she felt like it was just on fire.
Because it’s not too late to find out, the doctor recommends a timely operation, which can extend five years’ life, and cure is possible.
As for the cost, there’s only an estimate, and at least $100,000 needs to be prepared.
Grandma called his uncle to the bed next to his father.
She usually didn’t pay to see a doctor, but at this point she changed her mind.
“Big dick, if it’s a small pain, I’ll put up with it, but it’s cancer, and if it doesn’t, it’ll die.
I want to hear my grandson cry out to Grandma! You’ll get half the money. I’m sorry.
My dad was stuck on the bed and he couldn’t move, but he was slightly over his head.
“Mom, you’re not making any sense. We haven’t accounted for it in years, just because he had two sons, and Dad gave him all his savings when he died. Now it’s time for the money. I’m sorry.
“Moreover, my son is still weaning. There’ll be plenty of money. Now the fast-food business is bad, not as big as the kid’s, and his income is stable, and the pressure is much smaller than we are. I’m sorry.
– Listen to this, Uncle.
“Then my two sons will marry my daughter-in-law for no money? If you don’t get married, you’ll get paid for the bride price I’m sorry.
After he countered my dad, he accused Grandma:
“Mama, you can’t spend a few bucks on a little pain. I’m sorry.
“I’m messing with people? I’m tired and I’m pulling you up. You think I’m messing with people? I’m sorry.
Grandma used her skill to cry out, and to cry out to the dead grandfather, and to call out to the fathers, and to count her heart down.
It’s not until the nurse comes in.
Grandma, you see?
It’s not the birth of a son or daughter, it’s the conscience of the child.
You’ve been proud of two sons for a lifetime and abandoned you at a critical moment.
Because my dad and uncle didn’t agree to the surgery, Grandma got out the next day.
Back home, she offered to stay with my mother and watch over her grandson day and night.
My mom didn’t agree. She took her brother to my bed at night.
Grandma came after the door for a while and didn’t come in.
In the middle of the night, the brother was crying and the mother was feeding, and Grandma broke in.
“I said this house is not clean. Give it to me. I’m sorry.
Sister pushed her to the door.
“You’ve bullied my mother for 20 years, isn’t that enough? You want your grandson, now that my mother’s born, why are you so upset? I’m sorry.
Grandma’s nostalgic.
“I’d like to see my grandson, Nan, so advise your mother to go to the house and sleep. I’m sorry.
“Don’t call me Nam. I’ve already thought about it. I have to change my name. I’m sorry.
Her grandmother was still alive when she was expelled and, as soon as her mother got up the following morning, she tried to change her brother ‘ s diapers.
My mom said no: “Mom, don’t get sick for the kids. I’m sorry.
And when I heard that, Grandma said something and pointed at my mother’s nose, “Do you think I’m sick? I’m sorry.
The brother was woken up and cried like a warning, causing anxiety.
“Mom, it’s been 20 years since we’ve been here. Do you really think you’re right? I’m sorry.
Grandma avoided her scrutiny, “What’s wrong with me?” There is no reason why a daughter-in-law is wrong. I’m sorry.
When you’re done, I’ll make sure your mother doesn’t look right.
“Now I’m going to breastfeed Sanbao. I’m sorry.
“What do we feed?”
“I’ll let you out. I’m sorry.
Grandma didn’t dare to speak out of the room.
“You too, I want to be alone with Sanbao. And Mom said to her sister,
When the door was closed by my sister, she opened her mouth:
Yin Yin, are you there?
10
She turned over her brother’s dress, and there was a peace charm in it.
It’s a word for “diplomatic” next to complex characters.
“Your father took me to the temple to pray for peace, and I asked your sisters to give it to you in New Year’s, and I sewd it on your brother’s clothes. I’m sorry.
“This is the dress he was wearing the day he was born, and I admit to being selfish, and I was afraid that he would be affected, so I thought I might be able to crush it. I’m sorry.
She looked up and looked down.
“Yon Yin, Mom really wants to make it up to you, even if you don’t forgive me, I’ll say, Yin Yin, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
So my brother can see me.
It’s because it’s true and he was wearing the same dress on the day he was discharged.
But Mom, if you had a sister, would you hate me even more?
Late at night, Grandma came to my room again.
But this time, Mom locked the door.
A couple of times she didn’t.
While crying in the house, sister opened the door.
“What are you smoking in the middle of the night? I’m sorry.
Grandma slipped in, “I’m just coming to see the kids. Give me that. Grandma doesn’t cry. I’m sorry.
I said, “Don’t steal the baby, right? I’m sorry.
“I’m not gonna rip your mouth off! I’m sorry.
“Stop fighting. I’m sorry.
My mother was patting on the back of her brother while passing a little sideways and blocking Grandma’s eyes.
“Mom, if you do this again, I’ll go home with Sam Po. I’m sorry.
Not only did that not lie to Grandma, it set her on fire.
“To what mother? Don’t take my grandson! I’m sorry.
Grandma held Mom’s shoulder in one hand and her other hand grabbed his brother’s clothes.
My sister went to stop, but she fell on her knees.
The sound of a brother crying tore his heart apart all night long.
Mom heard crying, her eyes were frightful and she let go.
Grandma took the time to hold her brother and run outside.
Yet she ran too fast and tripped herself and her brother fell out of her arms.
I reached out and grabbed.
But his sister showered him and changed his clothes.
He went through my hand, first with his head on the ground, then with his grandmother under him, and then his crying time disappeared.
Then there was a more gruesome scream.
Like Grandpa, brain bleeding.
The ambulance hasn’t reached the hospital yet, and the brother is not breathing.
Dad got the news, strangled Grandma’s arm, and yelled:
“You just came home two days ago, you lost my son! Tell me, why is my son gone? I’m sorry.
Grandma was shaking, “I, I didn’t kill Sam Po, I just wanted to hold the baby…”
Dad threw his hand and Grandma was lying down crying.
It’s not always the same. I just think they’re noisy.
His brother was innocent, but his early departure from such a home was not necessarily a bad thing.
Mom woke up in a coma and heard about her brother’s death and fainted.
She was lying next to her father in her bed, and we were all together, and it reminded me of my brother when he was born.
When they heard my death, they were not as sad as they are now.
Dad looked at her with blood on her eyes, and she looked at her mother in a coma and groaned, and said to Grandma:
“Mom, you can move back to the village, or you can go back to your dick and not see your mother again. I’m sorry.
It’s rare for him to say this in a calm manner and to be surprised for so long.
Even I’m surprised.
Dad has feelings for Mom.
It doesn’t seem to be precious if it takes a life to wake up.
“You’re kicking me out? Boss, say it again. Are you going to kick me out? I’m sorry.
“Mom, you’ve been thinking about your penis, your daughter-in-law thinking about her little life, and you’ve been with me for 20 years. I’m good enough for you. I’m sorry.
Grandma was angry in front of her bed:
“If you say you’re good, give me money to cure me! If I lose the baby, I’ll have another one. I’m sorry.
“Mom! I’m sorry.
My dad snapped, the bed squeaked.
“Do you know how hard it is for this child? Why do you have to rob him in the middle of the night? I’m sorry.
Grandma had a flash of heart, but her mouth was still hard:
“Now you know it’s hard? I asked you to give away Zhiguo. If you’d listened, you’d have a son! If you don’t treat me, I won’t have to look at my grandson. I’m sorry.
“Sister is called Yan, not Zhigu. I’m sorry.
Eleven.
The day after Mom woke up, Dad got out early and went home.
And as soon as she entered the door, she dropped what was in her hand: “Take a rest, I will cook.” I’m sorry.
My dad said, “Mom, you don’t have to work. Your dick will take you back to the village in a minute. I’m sorry.
The uncle who sent them home stood by and was indifferent, as if he was just about to do a simple routine.
Grandma was so calm, she said, “Don’t bother, tomorrow is the 30th of the year, let’s wait for the rest of the year, and save you guys a lot of time. I’m sorry.
“Mom, I’m going back to my husband’s house this year.” I’m sorry.
My dad lit a cigarette and didn’t look at her, “I can’t go back to you because my legs are in trouble. I’m sorry.
Grandma looked at both of them with incredible confidence: “What do you know? I’m sorry.
She went inside and locked the door.
“No one comes to pick me up, don’t think I’m moving out! I’m sorry.
Uncle looked at Dad, pulled the zipper, and said, “Well, let’s wait till Mom wants to. I’m sorry.
When uncle left, my dad fell off the ashtray and grabbed his own hair a few times, looking at despair.
The mother leaned by the door of the main bedroom, watched the farce in silence, and then lifted her hand to show her that she had let go and entered the house alone.
At dinner, Dad limped with a cane to the edge of the bed, with half a bowl of chicken soup in his hand.
He rubbed his greasy hands on his kimono and said, “Pip, get up and eat.” I’m sorry.
I remember Dad never called him that.
My sister takes care of my mother when she’s sick.
It now appears that he is not unsure of being gentle, but he is lazy of being nice to his wife.
My mother lay side by side with her brother ‘ s toy, and the lock of her eyebrow sold her, but she refused to look him in the eye.
“Well, there’s a saying that late love is worse than grass. Now you know it’s hard. What’d you do? I’m sorry.
My sister also brought hot meals, and she pushed half the bowl of chicken soup to the edge, and the white bowl came to the bottom.
“If I didn’t love your mother, I wouldn’t have left a small child, and I wouldn’t have left a swallow. What do you know? Let’s get out of here! I’m sorry.
She’s been swinging over the chair, “Why should I listen to you?” I’m sorry.
“Did you give Mom a good look all these years? Ever care about Yan once? What else can you do besides scolding people? I’m sorry.
Dad’s punching, he’s got a red face, and he’s not gonna let go.
“Now you’re going to get justice for her, and you haven’t seen her before! I’m sorry.
My sister was choked by that, staring at her eyes and not making a sound.
The two stand still, Mom turns over.
My sister ended up groaning and walking out of the room.
Dad sat by the bed for a long time and walked out with his face.
At night, when everyone was asleep, Mom came to the living room.
When she passed through the locker next to the television, she stopped for a while and then found a cloth.
The crystal ball was placed in the place where I left my picture.
She swiped and whispered, “You still there? I’m sorry.
In the middle of the winter, there was no moonlight, and even though Mom had only a dark figure, she could still see that she was thin as a dying leaf.
“Yin Yin, my mother’s karma has come to punish me for losing two children. I’m sorry.
“Mommy’s sorry for you, but in the next life, you’ll have to be mom’s kids and mom’s gonna love you. I’m sorry.
Dad came out of the room with crutches and looked at his mother.
“What are you talking about in the middle of the night? I’m sorry.
She laughed at the crystal ball as if she had not seen it, then turned around to the balcony and pushed the window down.
“Ping!”
Dad tore into the balcony and fell to the ground the next second.
He crawled on the other leg, but only the cold wind came in. Where’s Mom?
12
This time, he’s a weak, crooked man.
Just after he signed, he cried.
“I’m bad for you, I shouldn’t have given you a son, I shouldn’t have yelled at you, I’m not a thing, I’m dead, I’m dead…”
He slapped himself a few times.
Smack and continue to tear tears.
Grandma’s face shrunk to the side, and her nose and tears covered her face.
Her sister had a red eye and scornful glanced at them and followed the administrator to pick up the urn.
She buried her mother and brother without notifying her relatives or friends, without letting Grandma do her thing, simple and one-man for a bouquet of flowers.
The funeral is over.
When she bowed, she did not wait for the mother and the son, but left quickly.
At the beginning of the year, a small town was more popular than usual.
There are Chinese knots and red lanterns on the streetlights, traffic between cars, and sometimes a few laughs.
The sister walked alone on her way home, and a layer of snow was strewn on her black coat, which seemed to be particularly distressing.
She snorted and snorted.
“I can’t take this long. How did you end up so far…”
When my sister came home, she looked up in the face.
Dad and Grandma took a ride and should have been home by now.
But her doubts were only for a moment.
She took off her coat and went to the kitchen to cook noodles, which seemed to be of little concern to the mother and son.
When she’s done, a hurried bell breaks the silt.
By the time she arrived at the county hospital, Grandma was covered with white cloth, and Dad was still on the rescue.
“The patient was injured in his right leg and hit seriously. We tried to stop the bleeding, but it didn’t work, and only amputation could…”
When I heard the word “amputation”, my sister signed her name.
“I don’t have a problem with that. I’m sorry.
After signing, she was informed that the police had handed over a pack of paper towels.
“I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry.
A total of two policemen arrived, one of whom happened to be dealing with my case, and he must have heard about the mother’s jump, when she looked at her sister with compassion.
The three found a small chair to sit down.
The man looked at her sister for a few moments, as if she was making sure that she was stable.
She took a deep breath and said, “I’m fine. I’d like to hear about the old lady’s death. I’m sorry.
And he said, a little bit:
“The taxi in which they were travelling hit a drunk motorcycle at the youth junction, and your grandmother and motorcycle driver died instantly.
The taxi driver was only slightly injured, and we’ll do our best to negotiate compensation for the motorcycle driver’s family. I’m sorry.
My sister was silent for a moment, and suddenly her pupils shrunk and her eyebrow wrinkled into a river. I’m sorry.
“Yes. I’m sorry.
That is the way home from the school and the cemetery.
I was supposed to go home from school, but I got killed and accidentally went to the cemetery.
My sister’s eyes are filled with tears and her mouth is smirk:
“Why don’t you run that bastard down with you?” I’m sorry.
The uncle and the family were informed by their sister to deal with Grandma.
First they cried in front of Dad and then asked for compensation.
However, the motorbike driver ‘ s family had cleaned up his mess, and this time he himself was in it, and the other party was unwilling to pay compensation.
Only $20,000 from the driver’s account was transferred to her sister.
And Dad listened to Grandma, and neither of them had insurance to save money.
This time, you’ll find yourself in trouble.
My sister’s eyes are contemptible.
“Only $20,000, if you don’t mind, then my father won’t be able to pay for his surgery. I’m sorry.
When she heard that, she stopped talking and was leaving on the pretext of something.
“Grandma’s still at the funeral home, you can do the funeral, just a little bit, not next to my mother.
Or I’ll dig up the ashes! I’m sorry.
He was afraid she’d get too excited to do anything he didn’t say.
She went back to her father’s bed and said:
“I know you’ve got the money, and I’ll forget the $20,000, and I’ll leave when I’m done. I’m sorry.
“What is it? I’m sorry.
“Rename. I’m sorry.
I remember two years ago when my sister was going out to work, and after saying those mean words to me, I ended up saying to me:
“When you’re 18 years old, you can apply for a change of name. You better fight till you’re 18, don’t die all day. I’m sorry.
I wrote in my diary that it would be better for me to die in this house and for everyone to live better.
I thought she was just looking at me and said that, and now she’s secretly reading my diary.
But it did work.
She reminded me that death will always be the Qing Zhi country, and only if she lives will she be free and free.
So I was ready to cut my wrist and put back the fruit knife.
Change of name is the first five years of my life.
I couldn’t do anything. If I did, I’d be fine.
The day Dad got out of the hospital, she got a new identity card.
She dragged her suitcase to the couch and looked down at the man with the beard.
13
“My name is Wang Yeon, and I’m going to live a new life with a new identity card, and I’m going to live for myself and for Yin Yin. I’m sorry.
“As for you, I wish you a long life, a long life, a long life, a long life, a long life, and a long life.” I’m sorry.
The voice just dropped and the phone rings.
Hello? I’m sorry.
An anxious man leaked out of his cell phone:
Brother Wang, something happened at the store! A couple of SA samples came in this morning and said someone ate our food and threw up in the hospital. I’m sorry.
My father sits on the couch and falls back with his amputated knee.
“Is the sample taken? I’m sorry.
“Got it! The chicken that didn’t finish yesterday was on the market when they came. Brother Wang, what now?”
He punched the sofa, “Damn, you’re in the hospital and you’re free to report it. I’m sorry.
“I’ve heard that I’ve just contacted a college student who wants to spend money, but they don’t charge, they have to say it. I’m sorry.
“I’ll see what I can do first. Hang up! I’m sorry.
My sister laughed in the trunk: “You’ve already been fined twice for your stupid restaurant. I’m sorry.
“That’s the good thing about going to college, knowing how to defend yourself. I’m sorry I didn’t fight or die. I’m sorry.
He’s got to raise his hand and stop.
“Dad, I used to be afraid of you because I was young, because Mom was bullied because you had grandma as a helper. And now?”
“You have nothing left to live like a stray dog. God has punished you. You deserve it! I’m sorry.
He and his sister looked at each other for a few seconds and sneered and laughed, but it didn’t seem like it.
“This is my good daughter. I should’ve thrown you in the field to feed the wolves! I’m sorry.
He stood up with crutches to go to his sister, who retreated, and the tall man fell on his feet, struggling like an old wolf.
The sister kicked, but at the moment of his shoulder, she was caught and she fell on the floor.
“I’ll strangle you! I’m sorry.
She was caught in a panic, she was strangled and she was suffocated.
She hasn’t changed her name. I don’t want her dead.
There’s nothing in the living room that belongs to me.
I panicked, too.
In the shudder, I saw the crystal ball flashing from a distance.
I touch the round sphere, the cold touch is so real.
The night Mom jumped, she wiped the crystal ball.
That’s why she really misses me. Now crystal ball’s gonna feel me.
A squirt.
There was blood on the bottom without a centipede.
Crystal ball rolls, white plastic foams pour in the sphere and fall slowly, falling on the girl in pink.
Like the day I died.
A free sister breathed air and saw tears pouring in his eyes.
She got up quickly and grabbed her luggage and went out.
Dad’s in the back of his head, staring at his eyes, “Go away, go away, don’t come back! I’m sorry.
My sister took a look over her head and accelerated her steps.
I followed my sister all the way to the train station.
Somehow, I’ve drifted into school on my own.
School starts in senior year.
Teachers in the classroom are talking, most of them listen to them, and only a few boys in the back row dump their books over their heads and play with their cell phones.
The headmaster was standing at the back door staring at a few people.
One of the boys found out something was wrong, coughed a few times and sat right there.
The schoolmaster looked at them for nothing, stood across the corridor and whispered to the teacher who was waiting for the next class.
My seat is empty, and a few scattered collections on the table should be at the same table.
He scratched his head with pain, as if he did not understand what the teacher was saying.
That’s great. Their future is full of hope.
When I floated across the class, I heard her sigh.
“It’s a shame to think of the girl in our class if you don’t learn well when you have a chance. I’m sorry.
I floated with the cold wind and ended up at the station.
My sister is going through security, and I’m coming, and I’m flying right next to her, and the security device’s making a rush noise.
The sister was taken by the staff to open her luggage.
However, there is nothing wrong with that finding.
As staff members were confused, sister looked up and looked around.
I know she’s looking for me, but I can’t get in. There’s an invisible wall blocking me.
Her sight swept through the big screen on the wall, and she seemed to realize something and looked at the door:
Yin Yin, are you leaving? I’m sorry.
Her eyes were not focused, she couldn’t see me, but she knew I was here.
I looked at the dates on the big eye screen, and today is my last seven.
A man whose mind is too deep in legends will stay for 49 days after death.
The forty-nine days would have been spent in the place where he died, unable to leave for another place or be reborn.
I don’t know where Mom, brother, Grandma’s soul went, but I’m supposed to be gone.
The contours of the gate are becoming blurred, and the world in front of it is like a reflection in water.
The crowds of the big buns, the tired staff, the sound of the radio alerts, the search for my sister, are gone.
Four weeks of quiet.
I was floating in the darkness of the earth, and the images of the past flowed a little bit into my mind and became a blur.
Memories start to blur, I don’t remember who I am, I just feel sleepy.
When I woke up, there was a noise in my ears, and a voice was loud: “A child, a daughter!”
I was scared of this strange scene and they laughed.
As if I’d come, they’d been waiting a long time.
(complete) filing number: YXA1RBX02sYDZ58AzCM1Mb
I don’t know.
Keep your eyes on the road.
