When I first killed myself because of depression, my mom slapped me.
In the ward, she strangled my wrist, and she said, “Are you going to die?” How can you die if you’re so shallow? I’m sorry.
I followed her.
Jump off the hallway on the seventh floor of the school.
There was a long bloodbath, surrounded by the cries of classmates and teachers.
Too bad I can’t see my mother’s face.
One.
“To publish the ranking of the final exam. I’m sorry.
The teacher said that he had a roster.
She is used to going from there in sequence.
This is my most intense time.
Number one, not my name.
Second place is not me.
My heart is beating faster…
It wasn’t until the tenth that the schoolmaster was able to read two words: “The wish.” I’m sorry.
Tenth place.
This is the worst test I’ve ever had since I was a kid.
It’s over. This time it’s over.
My brain blows like fireworks.
Even the hands began to tremble unconsciously.
This difficult physical condition has become my nightmare every time I feel nervous since I was diagnosed by the hospital.
I can’t help but remember my father’s stool, my mother’s slap: “How can you go to college without learning?” I’m sorry.
I’ve even come up with a mean and unlucky idea.
Why don’t you just tell them the grades are out.
The results of the final exams were erased as a result of a system problem in the school service.
But the next moment, the teacher’s words knocked me out of my head:
Come with me.
Our master is famous.
She walked out of the classroom and I was standing outside the hallway of the school: “You’ve fallen so much this time, I don’t know what happened to you. But at the level that you’re playing this test, it’s hard to get the original C9 target. I’m sorry.
“I’m sorry.
“Sorry for what? You’re sorry for me? Did you learn for me? This is as if the teacher was even more unhappy: “Do you think you’ve been thinking about learning since you were a senior?” Six months from now, are you going to throw yourself away like this? I’m sorry.
He said, “Go back and call your parents and I’ll talk to them about your situation in your home.” I’m sorry.
I got a soft knee.
Almost kneeling in front of the class teacher.
“Sensei, can we not ask Mom and Dad? I’m sorry.
The teacher almost looked at me, “You’re afraid of parents being disappointed, so I’ll call your parents now, and don’t wait.” I’m sorry.
Speaking of which, the teacher took out his cell phone.
At that moment, the string in my head broke.
It’s like the world is dark.
Roaring, scolding, scolding…
“Look at the others!”
“Can’t you compare with the first? I’m sorry.
“Why can’t you get a full score? I’m sorry.
“Is it easy for Mom and Dad to raise you? I’m sorry.
Why are you alive so tired.
Why live with others’ expectations?
I jumped on the railing in the hallway.
“Sensei, if I die, this has nothing to do with you. I’m sorry.
After that, I jumped.
Two.
In everyone’s eyes, my mother is a very good mother.
I am an only child and my parents have been asking me very hard since I was a child.
I’ll probably use it on my mother.
She used to say, “What others can do, you have to do, and do better.” I’m sorry.
But I want what I want.
She never cared.
The last thing I remember was jumping off a seven-story high school building.
It doesn’t hurt.
But there was a lot of noise around.
“God, someone committed suicide! I’m sorry.
“It’s like a four-class wish! Did anyone fight 120?”
It’s bleeding a lot.
I closed my eyes.
But…
I’m dead.
The spirit is still being taken back to the mother.
I can’t do anything but watch her and her sisters eat at the hotel downstairs.
Like a million times before.
They talk about their children’s studies.
“How can you have such a good child if you ask Wang Qinglian? I’m sorry.
“Sharing educational experience, Wang! I’m sorry.
“Is it possible that Chen will go to North China this year? I’m sorry.
“Norda or Qinghua, which one would you like? I’m sorry.
Listen to my friend’s bragging, mother’s smile.
She shakes the cup in her hands and laughs: “My family wishes to have a good science, and I want her to go to a better science college.” It’s a little far from Beijing, and I feel like I’m staying in the South.”
My mother’s phone was ringing.
It’s the school phone.
“Is this Chen’s mother? This is five. You have to come to school. Chen has jumped! I’m sorry.
Mother’s horrifying.
“The wish is here again.” You told her to hurry up and do all these tricks? I’m sorry.
After that, I hung up.
“What’s the hurry? I’m sorry.
Mother shakes her head: “It’s nothing, it’s just that Chen’s puberty has arrived, he’s too rebellious, he’s always trying to get my attention. I’m sorry.
Actually, she never thought I was sick.
Two years ago, when the hospital was diagnosed with depression.
She sneezed at me with a letter of confirmation: “Depressed? It’s just an online trick. I’m sorry.
And then I took a test and I lost the last big score in math.
Not 10th grade.
She hit me, threw away the fluctine I eat every night and said it was pills that made my mind forget.
Say I’m being careless.
That time, I was so restless at night.
He really cut his wrist with a knife.
They were taken to the hospital for rescue, and when they woke up, the mother saw me and didn’t look anxious and afraid.
It’s disappointment.
“What can you do in the future if you can’t even get through this? I’m sorry.
“Look at Liang Liang, why don’t they be as nice as you? I’m sorry.
Liang Yi is my aunt’s daughter.
I’m going to Beijing now.
Learn well, be polite, be pretty.
When I was a kid, the most I’d heard was, “Why can’t you compare with someone else? I’m sorry.
But I didn’t think that even if I died, she’d pull this cousin out.
“Mom,” knowing she couldn’t hear, I whispered, “This time I’m really dead, I won’t let you worry about it anymore.”
I don’t know if I felt anything, but my mother took out her cell phone.
She was staring at the screen.
Finger tremor.
Finally dialed the phone from the school.
3
This time, the teacher answered:
“Mother Chan? Where have you been?”
My mother’s voice was a little mute, and she hesitated to ask, “Teacher, wish her…”
“You are prepared, Ms. Wang. “It’s not good. We’ve called the police. I’m sorry.
The cell phone fell on the table, and it was banging.
Mother’s lips are squeaky.
She is not a person who has seen so much, and whenever she is overwhelmed, her physical stress is the first time she is sold.
Finally, the mother seemed to have taken a lot of effort to stand up.
She did not take into account the eyes of others and another issue that came out.
Grab the phone and leave the hotel.
Sitting in a cab, she started calling me.
There’s been a dozen calls. They’ve been unattended.
When I jumped, my cell phone was in the pants of the school uniform and fell apart with me.
How can it still work?
The driver probably also noticed something wrong with his mother, and he looked at the co-pilot on this pale-looking middle-aged woman, consoling, “There must be something wrong now, and call later. I’m sorry.
I don’t know what kind of nerve that touched my mother.
She hated saying, “All liars, liars! I’m sorry.
The school building was blocked by yellow cordon.
I followed my mother and went back to the last place I saw.
The father had already come from the company, at a time when he was working with the teacher of the school department.
“Where is my daughter’s body? My father’s voice was very loud, and I can hear it from afar: “She was fine, and she was still alive and alive when she left home this morning, and now you’re telling me that she jumped and died. How can this responsible school be? I’m sorry.
Mother’s footsteps stopped.
She seemed silly to hear my father say I’m dead.
You won’t move, just watch your father.
My father’s face rose red and almost jumped up: “I am only one child, my only child!” I raised her till I was 18, and you did it! I’m sorry.
The first time I saw a father so excited.
It’s like tears and snots are flying out together.
The teachers were rushing up, and some held his hand, while others held his waist and held him down.
“Mr. Chan, calm down. The investigation is still pending…”
“We wait for police conclusions…”
“We understand your mood, but there are many things that schools can’t stop. I’m sorry.
Bullshit! Father shouted, “I can’t leave school without a statement today! Chen’s body, I won’t let anyone take it away! I’m sorry.
When I heard that, the head of the department changed his face.
He took a step forward and whispered to his father: “Mr. Chen, there is no place in our school for the remains of the wishes, and you don’t want to see your daughter rotting.”
Fathers don’t talk, they just stare at the director’s face.
Half a dozen years ago, the dean finally made up his mind.
4
At the time of Chen Zhibe!
She marched forward, leaving behind the teacher in front of her, and she whispered, “I want to know what happened before Chen died.” She made it up, and she added, “Well, there should be surveillance. I’m sorry.
The teacher looked at the mother, lamented and called up the staff of the security services.
Surveillance began when I followed the class director out of the classroom.
My conversation with the class director was heard as a result of the upgrading of the school equipment and the installation of sound pickers in the monitoring facilities in previous years.
No fight, no fight.
Looks a little weirder.
The turning point seems to have happened at that moment…
The teacher picked up his cell phone to call my parents.
And I had a pretty scary and scared look on my face.
The director pointed to the picture on the screen and said, “We teachers don’t have any aggressive moves and language, of course, we’ll definitely take her seriously. But you see, Chen didn’t have anything to do with the teacher. I’m sorry.
In conclusion, the Director said that there was a clear lack of foundation.
And he’s been watching my parents.
What do you mean? I’m sorry.
“Don’t you hear the last words of Chen’s wish? I’m sorry.
Mothers seem to be a different kind of person in such tumultuous situations.
Strange calm.
It’s as if the accident has crushed her emotions.
The mother looked at the director: “I want to go to the classroom where the wish is expressed. I’m sorry.
At this point in time, our entire senior high school is out early.
My old senior class was empty and quiet.
The afternoon sun passed through the window, and the school table was filled with textbooks, practice books and examination papers like hills.
Even the crosswalks are stacked.
Although I’ve no sense of truth.
But seeing this place I’ve fought for, I feel a little bit lost.
Dreams.
We used to talk about both words.
But now in retrospect, I don’t know what my dream is.
A good college?
Better than everyone else?
It seems that everyone believes that this is what dreams are and what human beings mean by living.
But, Mom.
I’m not happy.
I’m tall, I’m in the back, I’m in the window.
Nothing on the table moved, just like when I left.
Mother walked slowly and sat down.
She picked up a book with her own hand. It was my fault.
I have a habit of writing the idea of correcting the mistake next to it.
So the book’s edge is so full of irrelevant words:
“Thousands of Mansion Bridge. I’m sorry.
“As a matter of life and death. I’m sorry.
“It’s not working. It’s useless! I’m sorry.
To others, the term “life and death” may be an inspiration.
But for me, I can’t think of another way to live if I don’t get into an ideal college.
The last page of the error book is wrapped in a piece of paper.
It’s my shrink’s medical record.
The mother’s attitude towards my illness is resistant, medication is forbidden, and medical attention is forbidden.
She probably always felt that these things were useless and wasted my time and energy.
And at that point she was squeezing this thin piece of paper, with her fingers white and shivering.
It’s not much, it’s just a few words from me and the doctor:
“You can’t be so stressed, no one says you have to be perfect. I’m sorry.
I did.
Shut up.
“I have nightmares all the time, and I’m alone in the world.” I’m sorry.
“I’m lonely. I’m sorry.
“I feel like I’m hallucinating. I’m sorry.
Mother put the book away.
She covered her face with a phrase from her fingertips: “Why, why have you never told me this?” I’m sorry.
5
“Wang Qinglian, these people say that the wish is in bad shape this semester, is depressed and may be depressed.” Don’t you know we’re parents? Come out and say, “I wish there was no light thought beyond today!” I’m sorry.
Mother last looked at my desk.
She rubbed her eyes out of the classroom.
Through the crowd.
Like a silent alien, just left.
“Where are you going?”
But Mother didn’t say anything.
Mothers from school went home.
Lock yourself in the bedroom.
Soon, news of my suicide spread between relatives and friends.
One call after the other called home.
Close, not close.
It’s familiar, or it’s been a long time.
Even distant cousins who haven’t spoken for years are trying to find out if I’m dead or not.
This is probably the most famous moment of my 18 years of life.
Mothers do not want to go around with these false consolations.
She threw her cell phone aside and fell asleep.
Just suddenly, a man’s name entered her eyes.
“Lian Liang”.
My cousin.
It’s her phone.
The mother finally pressed the listening key after a moment of hesitation.
My cousin’s voice is low and slow, and she’s saying, “I heard, I wish I had an accident at school. I’m sorry.
Mother’s uh-huh.
For a minute or two, no one spoke.
The atmosphere is embarrassing and silent.
“I asked you a question, and my mother said, “Do you know anything about the wish?” I’m sorry.
The cousin at the end of the phone hesitated to say, “Would you like to be depressed?” I’m sorry.
Actually, my relationship with Liang Yi is not as bad as Mother thought.
The so-called “enemy” relationship is just that she’s attached to us.
My cousin is gentle, thoughtful, and I like to be close to her.
And I’m sick about something that she was the first to find out.
She told me what depression was, took me to a doctor, asked me to think about the good side of the world.
In the end, however, there was no complete statement.
The father came home at night, and he broke the door down, but the mother ignored him.
I miss my cousin.
Cousin is on cold leave.
The next noon, she came with a big box of paper. There’s something in there that I once left with her.
“In any case, it’s the last thing you wish to live. I thought you might want to stay. I’m sorry.
I didn’t think Liang Yi would keep it for me.
There’s a Korean group around. When I was in middle school, I snuck up behind my back for a while and saved it for lunch.
And the girls’ comics, the youth magazine, the fairy-man novels.
A sad second-wind postcard, a cartoon poster bought on the floor…
I’m floating in the air, looking over at these little pieces of stuff in a box.
Suddenly it turns out I’ve had so much fun.
I’m not always a nerd.
Once upon a time, I like animation, I like star chasing, I like novels, like all my peers.
When do we start?
These hobbies are not allowed, and they are defined as impotence, waste of time and corruption.
Mother tore my comics and novels and the surroundings and posters were thrown out of the room as garbage.
Only tool books and tutorials are allowed on the bookshelves.
All extracurricular books are no longer necessary.
“Look, I wish I’d painted so well before. “Customs took a picture book from the box and sent it to the mother.
Because I used to watch animation when I was a kid, I followed the master on the screen.
I looked at one piece after the other.
Suddenly remembered.
My dream.
My first dream was to be a painter!
This dream, forgotten, crushed, strangled, returned to my soul after I died.
And right now, my mother holds my book.
“Why does she even want to share those words with you and not let me be a mother?” I’m sorry.
Six.
In less than a week, the police investigation was completed.
I was confirmed to be depressed by accessing hospital records.
In such cases, while there is some responsibility on the part of the school, it is not the main fault party.
The failure of parents to promptly inform the teacher of my condition affects the school ‘ s judgement of my physical and psychological condition, which is the main factor leading to the accident.
The school returned to calm.
The compensation paid to the father was far less than he expected.
When he came home, he and his mother had a big fight.
The mother was not on his side when she complained that she didn’t see me well and that she was not on his side when the school was “disturbing.”
“It’s true that Chen’s dead, isn’t it because of you? You’re useless at all times! He even slapped his mother.
In my eyes, a father is a traditional big-parent man.
He stubbornly left everything in the family to his mother and maintained a high-profile lookout for my growth.
My first suicide.
He’s working overtime.
I heard I wasn’t dead, and I thought the next thing I had to do was let the hospital contact her mother. I’m sorry.
How ridiculous.
Without much success in its own cause, little attention is given to the family.
The mother did not fight against her father as before.
Silence became her normality now.
She went back to the bedroom and started packing her own bags. In less than half a day, a suitcase was packed.
Then he dragged the case and left the house where he lived for over a decade.
I followed my mother and watched her get on the bus to the suburbs.
Mother leaned against the window.
The view is flashing.
The old car wandered around, taking the mother back to her old home where she lived.
Many people left here.
Mother probably wouldn’t have thought she’d come back.
The old house is still, that old-fashioned flat. No one had ever repaired it, so it seemed particularly old, with many walls falling off and bricks falling off the roof.
Mother pushes the door and sounds squeaky.
A cat jumped out of the tree and ran away from her mother’s feet.
She slowly entered the bedroom where she lived.
The wall was also marked with the family ‘ s blessing, which had been taken in the town ‘ s studio: Grandmother, Grandfather, aunt, mother and uncle, five.
At that time, the mother was still in high school and her face was much more serious and quieter than the smiles of her aunt and uncle.
The grandmother gave birth to three children and the mother was a second child.
Aunty’s a lively, sweet-mouthed, boss, like her grandmother.
The uncle was a boy, and in those days, the natural money was very expensive and belonged to the family.
Only my mother gets the least love and attention.
But the mother is the most invincible.
After studying well, she went to the main high school in town, and the mother worked so hard that at night, she was in her bed and she had to take it with a higher score than her.
My brother-in-law’s so cute, he’s got his whole family laughing around. If the mother does not speak well, she cleans up, buys food and cooks, and cleans the house.
The grandmother also said: “The cleanest of the three children, the most obedient and the most reassuring. But she had the second sentence, “It’s just a high-minded, insensitive, indifferent.” I’m sorry.
Later, my brother-in-law went to Europe, and one family emigrated, with little contact with us.
Only aunty.
Working, getting married and having children, in every case, are brought by the mother and are secretly compared in the heart.
Until then, this comparison continued into the next generation.
Perhaps my sister-in-law never understood that my mother, who was her own sister, grew up in the shadows of her sister and brother, could have planted a seed in her heart.
“If my career marriage isn’t as good as yours, if my children are better than your children, then I will win your life. I’m sorry.
7
I lived at home before I went to primary school.
Father works in the city and comes back a few days a month to see me and Mom.
Mother was ill, quit her job and took care of me at home.
It’s probably because of the death of people, the memories of their already forgotten early birth, and now they’re back in my body.
It seems so clear.
When I was giving birth, I was entangled in my umbilical cord, I had difficulty breathing, I had an autopsy, and I was given a joint consultation with other departments.
Mother hugged me like a porcelain doll.
She said to her grandmother, “I have only one wish, that my daughter will grow up healthy and well.” I’m sorry.
So I was named as a wish.
The simplest and simplest wish of mother.
But when did this wish start to deteriorate?
I grew up and started to read.
So the mother’s wish became –
“You have to write 26 letters. I’m sorry.
“You’re going to have to go back 300 times. I’m sorry.
“You’re going to write a good speech with a full score. I’m sorry.
You see, even the great mother’s love that the world has been singing for centuries.
And it’s still greedy, bloated, always glamorous — “My child, how can it be worse than others? I’m sorry.
Time is ticking, after months.
The mother almost broke up with her relatives and friends.
She lived alone in this old house, where she lived alone and alone.
During the day, she goes to town to buy food.
At night, I was alone in my bedroom, finding out what I had left in my home when I was a kid and looking around.
An ordinary weekend, the sound of bang bang bangs across the door.
Mother didn’t respond at first.
The sound of knocking continued, so that the mother went back to her eyes and slowly passed away.
She opened the door.
My aunt and cousin are standing outside.
The cousin was carrying a bag containing a metal box.
She went inside and said, “I’ve heard about it.” I’ll bring you the ashes. We’ll take the leaves. I’m sorry.
Mother carefully picked me up from my cousin.
Put it on the shelf in front of the living room.
And when my aunt and cousin sat down, some news came.
My father has hardly recently come home to live with a divorced middle-aged woman.
The other is a friend of the mother and sister-in-law who has met his father before and often comes to our house and eats with everyone.
Aunt said, “There must have been a few people together so soon, but we didn’t find them. I’m sorry.
“Let him go, and I’ll get a divorce.” I’m sorry.
Cousin, hold mother’s hand.
“Uncle, it’s still your marriage, it’s an affair, and I can help you find a friend of the lawyer who’s familiar to collect evidence so that the wrong party does not get half of the profit in the division of property.” I’m sorry.
Mother didn’t talk.
“No, just a normal divorce.” I want money now. It’s no use. I’m sorry.
This is the world.
In the end, reality will not develop as it has written.
It’s just that all of a sudden I think that Mother doesn’t really care anymore.
My cousin graduated from university this year, and both the fall and spring moves went well, with the successful conclusion of a highly paid foreign company.
After a six-month retirement, she was recently rehired by her former school, standing on the podium to answer the questions of young students and was busy daily.
None of the good sisters who had travelled frequently with their mothers had called them again after their mother had moved home.
Everyone has a life for everyone.
Time like a river cannot stay on the day I die.
But only the mother.
It’s like it’s been in place.
8
Aunts and cousins have their own affairs, and they do not stay at home for the night.
Early in the morning, the mother came to the rear hill with her cousin’s metal box.
I followed in the back and watched with curiosity this little box.
Turns out people were concentrated in such a narrow space after they died.
Finish the whole life of the casket.
Most of the people in the village went to the city, and many of the people left behind did not know their mothers well.
A small pit for me was dug by the mother alone under a seagull tree.
I should be buried with my father.
However, the father had left the country early to work, had never been back home for years and had broken up with the people there.
Plus, I grew up here in the first few years of my life.
My roots, it seems to be in this village.
My mother buried my urn in the ground, scattered dirt, and formed a small dome.
She sits silently on her back against the seagull tree.
“Hey, isn’t this Wang’s dick?” “A middle-aged woman in her mid-50s came from the side of the hill, carrying a burden of cloth and saying hi to her mother.
I saw her when I was little.
She had no parents, she grew up eating 100 meals.
Soon after my mother gave birth to me, she also gave birth to a son who, unfortunately, died. The husband gambled and drank, beat her up and ran off with a woman.
Some people in the village pity her, so give her some food.
Some people chew their tongues behind their backs and say that she’s dead and that she’s lonely.
And she never seemed to take those words seriously.
And she used to say: “Where can man suffer again? There are people in the world who are more tired than themselves. I’m sorry.
Maybe because I’m about as big as her dead son, she likes to come and see me.
Poor, so you can’t bring candy toys like any other neighbor’s. But she’s handy, she always folds pieces of paper into little people and animals, and the bouquets on the side of the road under her finger can be interesting.
She’s old and still in the village.
Seeing Mother, she accelerates.
“You came back alone? She didn’t notice the little dome behind her mother’s back, or even if she saw it, she wouldn’t think about it like, “You’re old. I’m sorry.
Mother smoked, didn’t speak.
“May it be a good child,” she shot her mother’s hand, “I remember, she wanted to be a painter. I’m sorry.
My mother looked up in the eye.
She didn’t think that everyone knew me, that I was the only mother who was so strange to me.
Women’s voices are loud, and they remember the past: “If only I could have been a child, I would have liked to paint.” I remember when I went to see her, and she painted her paint on a cardboard. She said she was painting mom. I’m sorry.
“Put your sweater next to the window. I’m just saying, wish, what do you want to do when you grow up? Make a wish. She said I wanted to be a painter and draw mom. I’m sorry.
Kids don’t know money, they don’t know how to succeed, they don’t know how to be first, they’re the best.
At that time, he only knew how to rely on his mother.
The mother’s wish is to keep her daughter alive.
The daughter wants to paint the most beautiful mother one day.
Mom, we’ve always been this deep.
9
After the woman left, the mother covered her face.
She used to cry softly to cry loudly.
Tears continued to slip from her cheeks and fell into the ground.
After my death, her emotions remained indifferent until this moment when she finally opened the switch and released all remorse, pain, sorrow and guilt.
“May, I’m sorry. “You must hate me, why I put so much pressure on you, and I don’t understand you. I’m sorry.
“Mom knows now, I was wrong. If I could do it again, Mom would never force you again. I’m sorry.
Hate?
Maybe there has been.
Numerous nights of awakening, countless times of guilt for a mistake, countless times of collapse under the pressure of grade ranking.
Maybe I hate you and why you gave birth to me.
Even hated why you only gave birth to me.
I don’t want to die twice, many times, at the tipping point, I thought of you.
I’m an only child. What if I die?
But now I want to reconcile with the world.
I want to forgive you.
I do not want to carry any resentment and pain.
I’d like to hold my mother, but a body without a sense of truth can only lie on her.
The cold wind blows over the body.
The petals of the beavers crossed my fingers and fell on the shoulder of my mother.
I had a feeling I was going to disappear.
Leave the world where mother is.
And follow the wind of the next mountain to an unknown distance.
Mother felt something.
She stood up with tears in her eyes and murmured: “May I? Are you leaving? I’m sorry.
“I’m leaving, Mom.”
Mother turned around, slowly walking down the hill.
This time, my soul didn’t follow.
And her back, alone, left me the last word: “Be a happy child, if there is a next life.” “Case number: YXX1JOK46GDfxZBQ2KPcn9n8
I don’t know.
Keep your eyes on the road.
