Got it — we’re talking about “comparisons,” and we just don’t have the ability to deal with differences.
In the first place, many people started to use their instincts to fall in love, and they always wanted to ask for them; or they always imposed what they liked on each other, and they refused to accept it, and they yelled, “My heart is broken, and I will never love again.” I didn’t think it might be the case that people like to eat apples and you give him a box of your favorite bananas and you push his head to say thank you.
To love a person is to learn, and the most basic thing is to fully understand and respect the differences between people, to understand the real needs of the other — to respect differences, to understand each other’s core needs and to be able to meet them, and to naturally become spiritually dependent on you — which is also one of the most important lessons of long-term intimacy.
When we first met, we thought that some difference was where the other one flashed us.
For example, a man who is cautious is attracted to a man who has no heart or heart, and who feels that his world is much more comfortable; a man who is careful feels comfortable and secure.
However, after the filtration of the fertilisation period, the frictions between the two persons must come from all sides and lay down a stumbling block for long-term relationships.
Why? Because changing habits is a very difficult thing.
At first, the difference between the other side gave us fresh excitement, but after a long period of time, when the passion fades, we return to our daily psychological trajectory, where we get used to the way we do things, and we start to become unpopular. It turns into reckless impulses, brainless; caution becomes feary end, no sense.
Many people will start to feel disappointed and complain: Why didn’t I see you like this before? I knew you were. Why was I with you?
In fact, we should think about recognizing that couples are two strangers, and that, despite some coincidences, as two independent individuals with different experiences and different personalities, there is a difference in values and living habits.
“It doesn’t suit your character”!
Undesired personality is the reason many people break up. By no means, almost all couples encounter a period when they feel at odds with each other’s personality, and there is a time when they feel unreasonable — whether, in the end, they can live up to each other — depending on our ability to deal with differences.
This article is intended to help you understand — how we can face and deal with these objective differences properly — so that we can really get inside each other and talk about a non-breakable relationship.
It’s worth recalling that dealing with differences is not about eliminating differences, not about changing each other exactly like us — dealing with differences is not about control, but about learning to love.
Let’s start with two stories.
First story character: Boys A and girls B
Boys A used to come to help and say that girlfriend B sent a tweet yesterday saying that he wanted to be calm and calm, but he hasn’t been in touch lately. He’s afraid she’ll break up with him when she calms down.
Here’s the thing. Boys and girls are in Shanghai. The girl side, with some discomfort at work and with her superiors, as well as the family relatives who wanted her to do something that was almost beyond her ability, caused great stress and anxiety. So many emotions have been brought into two-person relationships, and the practical assistance available to boys is limited.
The point is that most of these anxietys are not necessary in the eyes of boys, who do not understand why girls work so hard to make themselves so tired, nor why they have to help their relatives.
He was unable to understand the anxiety of his girlfriend and had always tried to convince girls to change their working mentality and to abandon their relatives.
After several disputes, the girl refused to talk to him again, saying she wanted to be alone.
Second story: Boys C and girls D
There was a rich second-generation boy, C, who used to call for help, and a fiancée was a very good girl, D, but they were often in conflict over money.
The two people were in good mood, but if they were involved in larger consumption, such as tourism, such as the purchase of gifts, there would be a dispute about it. Girls felt that the ritual was better and that it was worthwhile to spend more money on a good feeling, while boys sought to price for sex and were reluctant to spend more. The girls were repulsive of the boys, who thought they were exaggerating, and both felt that they did not care enough for themselves and broke up several times.
The two couples mentioned above had no problems of principle, and even most of the contradictions in relationships were common in life. That’s how life is, and sometimes we don’t know ourselves why I have to fight and why he won’t give up.
Don’t worry. I’ll tell you the story behind them. You’ll see.
Here’s the story behind the first couple:
The boys are Shanghaiian, their parents are gentle and enlightened, and they have not asked him since childhood, as long as he is happy; the girls come to Shanghai to study in small towns, and they come all the way to the other’s children, and they have longed for them.
Boys cannot understand the pressure on girls from small towns to work in Shanghai to stand up to their heel, nor can they understand the burden of being so good as to carry “the hope of the whole family” when they are used to being at home and being able to prove to their families that they can do anything.
Boys wanted to correct the way they treated them, and he felt that he offered better solutions out of kindness, but the feeling on the girl’s side was that he could not accept her.
The boyfriend’s approach made her feel that she was wrong, stupid and annoying, and preferred to keep herself closed and under pressure alone.
The story behind the second couple is:
Although a girl has a good family, she has been divorced from her young parents, has left the country in her teens, has spent more on maintenance and pocket money on both sides of the family, and when her parents are happy, he is very busy as a child because of his parents’ starting a business, he has grown up as a grandparent and, in limited contact with his parents, much more difficult to start a business in order to finance the business.
For them, money is an important symbol of a sense of security and control in life. Girls need boys to spend money on her to prove that there is a lot of love, and boys want to control their money to increase their control and security of life.
See?
The nature of nature, the environment in which they grow, the culture of the family, past personal experiences will certainly leave a mark on us, leading to differences between the perspective of the problem and the way it is addressed.
I have also seen a couple of boys and girls in the obscurity period, because of the different views of the cheating woman in a film.
And that’s how many times a couple quarrels have nothing to do with right or wrong — it’s about the feelings and emotions we’re talking about.
And behind those emotions is what we feel at the bottom of our needs, what we have experienced — things that are important to ourselves that are not seen and understood.
If you do not understand this, and fight for the difference in appearance between these two people, you will surely push your lover further away.
In intimate relationships, it is essential to develop an understanding of partner perceptions. If one can see each other’s feelings and understand the story behind one another’s behaviour — it is not easy to create further conflict, but it can also turn the process of dealing with differences into an opportunity to increase understanding and enhance feelings.
And when you see this, you may think, “Alas, if the other side is different from what I think, my first reaction is to correct the other side’s thoughts, or to know who is wrong and who is wrong?”
Yes, these internalizations have become our instinctive responses, and we have no idea how much hectic we can sometimes be in a relationship. That is why we have to learn deliberately to deal with differences and consciously challenge our bad habits — to remind ourselves that he has the power to be different from me.
So, what exactly should we do?
Learning to listen and to recognize the legitimacy of each other’s feelings
There’s a keyword in psychology called “validation.”
What do you mean? It means — no matter what the emotions and feelings of the other side, even if I don’t think so, I need to admit that it does exist with the other side.
For example, when you think it’s delicious, he smells it, and your different feelings about it are real and allowed — in other words, it’s reasonable to feel it.
In the face of each other’s emotional feelings, we should respond to them with feelings, not with “justification.”
Yes, the first step in dealing with differences correctly is to learn to see each other’s feelings and to acknowledge the legitimacy of each other’s feelings.
It is particularly difficult to do that without looking at a light sentence.
Think back: Ever since you were a kid, have you heard your best friend, buddy, or even your own parents say, “I really don’t get it. How can he?” How did he do that? Who told you not to listen to me?
As we can see from the many examples around us, it is difficult to ask ourselves and each other to admit that what they think is not wrong in a close relationship.
Why? Because of the reasons behind the difference, we need to unload our defensive armour, let our deep-seated stories flow undiscovered, and worry whether vulnerability will be exploited and attacked by the other side; obviously, it is much safer than real understanding to win and lose.
What can be done to recognize the legitimacy of each other’s feelings?
I’ll give you three: no evaluation, no denial, no elimination.
For example, when you complain about the boss taking it out on you, a lot of people use the typical negative answer: your boss is nothing, my boss is a pervert, the boss can’t change it, and I’d advise you to adjust your mind.
The answers are clearly a denial of each other’s feelings, and the subtext is, “You’re right now, it’s no big deal.” He doesn’t really need your advice. He just needs the power to release his emotions.
It is better not to evaluate or deny. The most rare is the third not — not to eliminate.
Let’s not even rush to help each other eliminate this negative feeling.
For example, they said, “I’m sorry, I’m scared.”
A typical error response: “Don’t be sad” “There’s nothing to be afraid of” – you’re probably anxious to help him with his negative feelings because you care about him. But in fact, you can’t. All you can do is go through this with him.
Say, “I know that you are sad, so cry for a while, I will be with you.” “I know you’re scared. Let me hold you. I’m sorry.
Let each other feel that no matter how bad and how fragile they are, they are safe before you.
And the best thing is — he doesn’t need to get well right away and solve problems right now, but he can release his emotions in your presence as a child, and that’s what it means to be an intimate partner with you.
Any acknowledgement of the other’s feelings is reasonable and understandable — the first step in the process of dialogue between the two sides, which lay down their defences.
2. Understanding the reasons behind each other ‘ s behaviour and increasing intimacy
When you admit that each other’s feelings are normal and reasonable, they feel safe and open up a healthy and effective channel of communication with each other.
At this point, be patient and listen to each other’s feelings or different ways of dealing with each other, and whether there are any stories behind them — each and every process of dealing with differences — may be a process of deepening understanding of the other.
In the exchange, there are a few points that we need to note:
What exactly is the emotion being expressed to understand or confirm — frustration, grief, insecurity, shame or something? Recognizing what emotions can help you to better understand each other and avoid misunderstandings.
Trying to understand — what triggered his current mood and why would he react to it? In the process, don’t speculate, and if this is about you, don’t rush to defend yourself.
Restraint from drawing conclusions or advising the other unless the other party so requests. It is like a saying: “Do not advise others to do good without suffering.” Even in close relationships, we have to allow each other choices and decisions that are completely different from ours.
I’m taking the example of boys A and girls B at the beginning of this class, and one of the typical mistakes of boys is that he doesn’t recognize girls’ anxiety as reasonable.
Boys think, “You can say no to relatives?” You can change your job? Why do you have to do this? You see I’ve given you such a good advice, and you’ve done what I told you. You don’t listen, you’re asking for this anxiety.
He did not realize that his girlfriend had her own character and growth story, that he could feel and deal with something differently — he turned an opportunity to know more about his girlfriend and turned it into a stage in which to argue about the right to lose and lose, leading to the girl’s laying up a defensive wall against him and completely unwilling to communicate with him.
3. Treat differences as opportunities to expand themselves
Like the two couples that I’ve had before, there are different reactions and strategies to the same thing.
Boy A thinks the boss is tough, girl B thinks the problem needs to be solved, not bad; boy C thinks the price is important, girl D thinks the experience is important.
Objectively, are they right or wrong? None.
Why do we always want to stick to our way? Is this stubborn? Should I change it?
My answer is that, in fact, every different reaction and behaviour has its legitimacy behind it. Different people respond to the same situation in different ways — the way we ourselves deal with things and crises as we grow up, the way we feel best left behind after being repeatedly tested.
Therefore, our insistence has its reasons. Likewise, the other side’s insistence has its own logic.
Tell me my own story:
My husband, who has been a schoolboy since he was a kid and is now a researcher, has a particularly strong sense of self-regulation and does not like to waste time on meaningless things.
When we weren’t in love or friends, I told him that the peach blossoms were so beautiful around the house, and he said, “What’s the point?”
When we’re together, like his summer clothes are seven identical T-shirts, four identical pants, so we don’t have to think about what we’re wearing today, saving a wave of time. He also did not like socialization because he felt that establishing relationships and maintaining them was a very exhausting matter and would greatly consume his time and energy.
He has similar characteristics in many other aspects of his life.
I’m not used to it at first, because I’ve always been a random person who likes to waste time on these “good” things. I love socialization, and I always like to think about having friends at home.
It was not until a few years ago that I started my graduate programme, and I was so busy, that I realized the benefits of my husband’s operating model, that I learned a few things to make my life and my work more efficient, and that it reduced a lot of useless socialization and allowed more time to think and to sink.
Likewise, the impact is mutual, and my husband, under my influence, prefers to experience the pleasures in the details of his life and is beginning to experience more and more people-connected.
The way we deal with things now is still often different, but both retain respect for each other ‘ s practices and are ready to steal from teachers.
So, when we see the other side different from the way we deal with it, do not rush to evaluate it.
In other words, we can think about it — is there any other way to deal with one thing than our own? Why does he have such a reaction and approach to this matter, and what are the advantages of doing so?
Why don’t you sit down and talk and see why he wants to do this.
So long as you think like this, the difference between a partner and us can show us more possibilities for life — through interaction and understanding with a partner — and there is more choice in the way we deal with things.
“Maybe in this case you’ll handle it better, in that case I’ll handle it better.”
See, the collision of two people allows us to use different treatments in different contexts, an extension of self-awareness.
Harmonizing — influencing each other’s rights
There is a misunderstanding among many — because they want to get together too well, and even seek less friction between two people by suppressing some of their needs, making the whole relationship tired.
The truth is, it’s simple, it’s not stupid.
After reading this article, I want you to know that — it’s mainly about understanding each other’s growth experiences, family culture, change of heart, allowing each other to influence themselves.
What do you mean by allowing each other to influence themselves? It means — we need to de-de-escalate, maintain an open mind of growth, maintain curiosity and a desire to explore the other’s world, and allow the other’s ideas and way of life to slowly and naturally infiltrate us.
The essence of the friction lies in an understanding of nature, and it takes time and haste. But as long as two people face the difference and don’t argue right and wrong, and don’t be too stubborn to influence each other’s power, then your relationship will grow.
In conclusion, I hope you will be able to complete such a transformation:
If ever, in the face of the frictions of life due to differences, our subconscious reaction is usually: how do you look like this?
Now I want you to consciously adjust your response to the fact that you must have your reasons and the stories behind it. Why don’t we just sit down and talk and let me know you better, come closer to you, and even expand on myself from you. Record number: YX11Wgg29O
I don’t know.
Keep your eyes on the road.
