One morning in the second year, my stomach ache and I fell asleep. My mother woke me up and asked me to make breakfast for my brother.
I’m in a cold sweat, begging my mom to take me to the hospital.
My mother pulled my covers, called me a white-eyed wolf and said I was about to starve my brother.
But I was born with my brother, only a few minutes before.
I stood up to get a pot of porridge and went to school without eating.
This day I barely stood up and couldn’t hear anything in class.
But I didn’t cry, I didn’t scream.
Because I knew I cried and nobody looked.
01
I stood in front of my mother and said,
“What are you doing? I’ll get in trouble.
“I’m telling you, I don’t have time to worry about you. I’m sorry.
The people in the room turned their heads and looked at the scorn in my eyes.
My mother shouted:
“How can you talk to me like that? I’m your mother! I’m sorry.
I looked at her without an expression.
“Twenty years ago here, you told me that. I’m sorry.
“Don’t you remember? I’m sorry.
She’s waking up, and it’s all gone.
“You’re too bitter…”
I didn’t say anything. Turn around and get out.
I don’t know.
Out of the hospital, the weather was bad, the fog was cloudy and the air was damp and slimy.
Same as the day I was hospitalized.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had that painful memory.
It is because it is too painful that it is so distinct, as if it were yesterday, no matter how long it took.
I was in the same hospital when I was 2nd year.
I didn’t know what was going on when I woke up that morning.
I make breakfast all morning because my mom says they work hard.
I asked her why he wouldn’t do it.
My mother should have said, “What about your brother’s body, and how tired he is at learning?” I’m sorry.
But I was born with my brother, only a few minutes before.
Not to mention that I’ve always been at the top of the list, and my brother is just the back of the crane. I don’t know what he’s doing.
But this has happened too much, and I know that my brother and I are not treated the same way, and have been standing up early to finish breakfast before going to school.
But not today, it’s like a knife in my stomach.
I couldn’t stand it. I fell asleep.
After a while, I was kicked so hard I woke up.
I opened my eyes, and my mom was standing in front of my bed, poking my waist, looking at me like I was looking at my daughter, like I was looking at an enemy.
Before I spoke, she pointed at my nose and yelled:
“Why don’t you get up and cook?” Trying to keep your brother away from school? I’m sorry.
“Mom, my stomach hurts. Take me to the hospital.” I’m sorry.
My mother laughed and ripped the covers off my body.
“What’s the point of raising a white-eyed wolf like you? I’m sorry.
The blankets were lifted out, the cold air of the winter was blowing on me, and it was all wet and tight on me, and I was freezing.
I bit my lips, and I didn’t say a word, and I stood up and made a pot of porridge and went to school without eating.
This day I barely stood up and couldn’t hear anything in class.
But I didn’t cry, I didn’t scream.
Because I knew I cried and nobody looked.
I stood up after school trying to pack up, and I lost consciousness in the dark.
When I woke up again, I was in bed.
The doctor next door told me it was acute appendicitis and complained about how my mother sent the baby so late that it could be pierced.
My mother stood by her mouth, slanted and impatient:
“What are you doing? I’ll get in trouble. I’m sorry.
“I’m telling you, I don’t have time for you. I’m sorry.
She ordered some money in her bag, and she had an angry face:
“Shit, 3000 again, what good is it to raise you? I’m sorry.
Says she stepped on high heels and went out.
Even the doctor was shocked, watching my mom’s back.
“Hey! What the fuck is this? I’m sorry.
I didn’t say anything. It hurts and it’s exhausting.
The doctor comforted me by saying, “Your mother is angry, she doesn’t care about children.” I’m sorry.
I struggled to pull a smile on him.
I know my mom’s not angry.
My mom hasn’t been here since, except once.
My dad and my brother don’t mention it. It’s like I’m not here.
I’ve just had my surgery and I can’t even eat.
It’s just that my aunt next door was so sad to see me and brought me an extra meal to take care of my son.
I did it with the help of a nurse.
Then I got better. I’d help my aunt next door with some hot water and take care of her son.
Aunt never lets me work.
“What a nice girl. That’s a terrible mother’s heart! I’m sorry.
I listened to the pain of my heart, and even a stranger knew it.
But I felt a little numb.
Too many times, I’m not so sad anymore.
02
My mom didn’t put me in too long. The doctor said I’d stay at least for a week, but I got out of the hospital after four days.
Because my mom says it’s too expensive.
On my first day home, my dad laughed.
I thought he was going to care about me, but I’ve never forgotten that.
He said:
“You’re back. Your mother’s cooking is so bad. Let’s eat tomorrow morning. I’m sorry.
I thought it was crazy.
Even as a nanny, the first day home sick employers are symbolically concerned.
But in their eyes, my only value seems to be to do housework at home.
My mom sat aside and took a book for me.
“Surgery plus hospitalization, 3,000! Plus, you spent 63,000 before, and that’s all you have to give us back. I’m sorry.
Yeah, that sounds ridiculous, but I have a book that belongs to me.
Every penny I spend when I was a kid, my mom would write it down.
At first I didn’t know there was such a book at home, and there was one time we went out to buy new clothes.
My mom bought my brother 1,800 feathers, and when I got here, she said she had no money, no money.
I was a little silly, pointing at her purse, and I said, “There’s money in there, Mom.” I’m sorry.
My mom didn’t talk, just looked at me.
She said, “Are you sure you want to buy it?” I’m sorry.
I was in primary school, and the little girl certainly liked to wear new clothes.
So, my mom’s eyes scare me, but she’s still nodding on her skin.
My mom didn’t say much, took me to buy a 138 coat.
Why do I remember the price of this dress?
Because when I came back that day, my mother took out that book in front of me, and it was all over my expenses.
And first, the hospital expenses she spent when she gave birth to me.
She took a pen to take it seriously: 138.
“It’s all your money,” she pointed to the account book, “It’s your money for clothes.” I’m sorry.
Speaking of which, my mother looked up and looked at me, and I was nine years old.
“My daughter is an outsider. You’ll pay me back all this money in the future. I’m sorry.
I was too young to understand what it meant, so I asked, “Do I have a brother?” I’m sorry.
My mother’s face changed, and she’s staring at me like a smirk:
Everything in this house belongs to your brother!
“Remember, you spend your brother’s money. You have to thank him! I’m sorry.
I don’t know why I’m grateful to my brother, but my mother’s face is terrible, and I can only fear the place: “Oh. I’m sorry.
It’s not very good, it’s definitely middle-born.
At the time of my primary school, my family had two floors in addition to two houses in the provincial capital.
But my parents said it was all brother’s stuff, so I don’t want it.
It’s been a long time since I was used to it.
Even then, I realized I was an outsider at home.
Everything my mother asked for didn’t wait for her, and I’d write it in my heart.
That’s how much, add up, how much to pay.
In my heart, my parents don’t feel bad for me. I’m at home eating and drinking less than my brother, but my basic life is safe.
They just think I’m an outsider, and I’m clear.
It’s like a bank loan, and my growth is actually a loan to them.
This money requires me to grow up and return it to them.
I always thought everybody was like this until one time I told my friend about this.
My friend was an only child. She was shocked to tell me:
“Is there something wrong with your parents? I’m sorry.
Then she told me that the love of the parents was selfless.
She’s been asking for anything since she was a kid. She never said anything about paying off.
She also said that most parents do that. How can love be measured with money?
It’s funny to say that this theory, which is not even common sense, is as shocking to me as it was to me at the time.
Then I started looking around and I found my friend right.
I’m the exception.
I couldn’t bear to go back and ask my mother why she treated me like my brother.
My mother’s face was astonished as I was asking why the Earth was round.
She rightly told me, “Because Tang Seung-ji is the root of the family, we will be counting on him for the rest of our lives.” I’m sorry.
“I can also give you old age.” I’m sorry.
“You? “My mother looked me in the eye and laughed:
“My daughter is for the family. You are from the family, but you cannot be expected.” I’m sorry.
I don’t know.
My parents really put the standards to the end.
My brother went to the exams, and I did.
The family was very nervous about my brother’s Cox, and my mom asked me to change my flowers to give my brother his brain.
My brother is at home like the Emperor.
My mother was afraid to speak to him out loud and was afraid to disturb him.
I get up at 4:30 a.m. in my senior year, cook for my brother first, then go to school and study early.
But even so, my brother didn’t go to college.
My dad figured out a way to get him out of the country and celebrate.
My brother’s trip to the country, and my father’s friends and relatives have asked for several tables.
“Don, you’re so lucky, your son and daughter are so talented, and I hear your daughter is doing well!” I’m sorry.
And when my dad stood up, he put on a swing:
“What’s the point of having a daughter for someone else? I’m sorry.
Then he came to me with a glass of wine.
I know it’s impossible, but I still have a weak hope that maybe he came to congratulate me.
Because it was my birthday too.
“Boy, you’re 18 today. Grow up, Dad! “My father laughed drunk with a glass.”
My heart is sour and thick I can’t stand a red eye.
Although my brother and I had a birthday, I never had a birthday.
Didn’t expect my dad to remember me.
When I stood up and tried to talk, my dad interrupted me:
“Father and mother raised you to full age. From today, you should be independent!
“The money for college, you have to figure out how to owe your family money.
“You don’t have to hurry, you can pay it back. I’m sorry.
Quiet down on the floor and the whole banquet hall is poignant.
I kept that ridiculous gesture and looked at him.
People around us have different eyes, surprises, jokes and sympathy.
I stood up and laughed to my dad.
“Good.
“Thank you for all these years, I’ll pay you back as soon as I can! I’m sorry.
Said I drank all I could.
Fifty-two degrees of white wine are spicy and burned in the stomach with the duct like a fire.
I held the cup and smiled at the people around me.
I can’t cry out.
I can’t cry either.
From today I have no parents.
Or I’ve never been.
I don’t know.
When I got back, I took out a volunteer book.
I didn’t know where to go. I’d like to ask Mom and Dad again.
Not anymore.
I filled out a place far away from home.
This place, I’m not coming back.
03
My dad wasn’t kidding. He didn’t give me $20,000 for my first year.
$20,000, really not much.
My brother went on a trip for more than that.
But for a young girl who’s just grown up, there’s really no money to get.
My grandfather couldn’t see me anymore.
I went on a two-month summer break to earn thousands of dollars.
My dad was a little upset that he was exercising my independence.
It’s funny.
I’m the only one who needs to be independent.
The day she left home, my mom paid me 2000 dollars:
“Go to school or get some money.” I’m sorry.
I stopped.
2,000 dollars, just a pair of my brother’s shoes.
But for me, it’s something I’ve never had.
But I was laughing and shaking my head, and I watched her whisper:
“Give me that book. I want to see it. I’m sorry.
She’s got a little bit of a look.
“You’ve got too much to share with your family… and it doesn’t matter how much money you’ve got in college. I’m sorry.
My father laughed at me and said, “The kids have grown up to know that it’s hard for their parents to make money.
Don’t worry, I’ll pay you back after work I’m sorry.
I insist: “I want it back as soon as possible. I’m sorry.
Get back to them as soon as possible.
My mom hesitated and went back to the house and took out the account book.
Almost 20 years later, the book was all yellow and turned all over fury.
I looked over and the last one was $2,000.
Just give me the 2000 bucks.
I feel a little sad and a little ridiculous.
I thought that rare motherly love was just another deal.
I haven’t spent much money over the years, and most of my clothes are left over from my cousin, and I won’t need any new clothes after high school.
These expenses are mainly for school fees, maintenance, and my hospital expenses.
The total is 978 000.
I told myself that I would pay them $200,000.
And then I’m like I don’t have a mother or a mother, and I don’t have a home.
So I left the house with some old clothes and a book.
I don’t know.
I thought I could just cut my family apart, but I still underestimated myself.
In New Year’s, everyone in the dorm went home, just me.
I sat alone in my dorm and suddenly felt like I wanted to go home.
Even if they don’t need me, even if I go home, my only use is to work, but I don’t know how terrible it is to be alone.
I hesitated to call my mother.
It took a long time to pick up the phone and I whispered, “Mom.” I’m sorry.
My mom was so noisy, she came back to me half a day, “Oh, what’s wrong? I’m sorry.
I said, “Mom, I want to go home. I’m sorry.
My mom hasn’t moved for half a day. It’s finally quieter over there.
Her voice seemed a little awkward: “Hey, your brother’s back, we’ve been in Hainan for a year.”
“…or you too?”
She said we were family.
What am I?
“Mom! Come on.
There’s a noise coming from my brother.
“Why don’t you go to your grandmother’s house, and we’ll have to hang up. I’m sorry.
And in the darkness, I held my bellowing cell phone and sat in the dark.
It’s really cold in the dorm, there’s no heat in the south, and it’s like a wet cold cellar.
But I’m not embarrassed at all.
It’s hard for people to feel a degree of distress.
I put the phone down, I took out the account book and I looked back and forth.
On New Year’s Eve in 2018, I watched this book overnight.
04
Perhaps God has closed a door for you, and will surely open a window for you.
I don’t have any parents, but I’m good at making money.
When I was a sophomore, I made some money with my friends to rent a shop and open a store next to the school where the script was killed.
I don’t have much money, but I’m good at writing books, and I’ve written 10 books every day and night.
The script was just up, the market was empty, and our shop, though small, was operating well.
I took $20,000 in a few months and earned a year of tuition and maintenance.
At that point, there was a phone call from a home that had been out of contact for almost a year.
I deleted that phone, and it’s been missing for a long time, and it’s become an unknown number.
And I said, “Hello? I’m sorry.
“Hello? Nam? I’m sorry.
I’m stunned, and that’s why my dad’s voice hasn’t heard me for too long.
My parents really put the idea that my daughter was an outsider in the last two years.
I haven’t been home in two years, and they haven’t even asked.
My classmates always thought I was an orphan or a divorced abandoned child.
I’m a real stranger to my family.
This call, I don’t think it’s a good thing.
They can’t afford to think of me.
It’s true, my father and I had a little chat:
Nam, Dad’s got a business problem. He can’t make it.
“Do you have any money in your hand, borrow from your father. I’m sorry.
That’s what I’m talking about. I’m supposed to be in the club before I sent the script.
I’d love to give them back the money right away, but I only have 20,000.
And I’m about to pay next year’s tuition.
I hesitated for a moment, and I asked:
“How long will you take? I have a little tuition left. I’m sorry.
My father smiled: “You give your father all you have first, he lends it to you, and he will return it to you soon.” I’m sorry.
I thought about calling him for $20,000.
Anyway, I don’t think my dad ever misses the money I have.
My dad took the money and hung up happy.
I’m a little confused.
The house is open and no problems have been reported.
Maybe it’s expanding the shop.
I didn’t think much. I just thought I’d pay my tuition.
But I didn’t think my dad would ever believe me after he borrowed money.
He hasn’t heard from me until I’m about to pay. I couldn’t help but call my mother.
My mom’s got a good attitude and she’s been apologizing to me, but she hasn’t asked for a penny.
“Your father and I don’t have any money. We’re all out of money.
“If you can do it, do it again! I’m sorry.
I haven’t been able to apply for a student loan, because I’m rich, and I’m running out of time!
I’m in a hurry to cry and I say:
“Mom, I beg you, lend me $20,000. I’ll give you the money in a minute. I’m sorry.
My mom just bit me to death with no money, and then she got so tired of saying:
“I don’t owe you, neither do I. Your dad. I’m sorry.
I don’t know.
I hung up on the phone and I couldn’t help but borrow money.
Unfortunately, a lot of new books came into the store during that time, and money was put in, and there was no money left.
I can’t end up selling one of my favorite books.
It’s one of the most expensive books I’ve ever had. I wanted to sell it.
Finally, for school fees, it was impossible to sell to the fastest-paying person, who sold 15,000.
Then the book was sold for exclusives, about 800,000.
At this point, I was anxious, but I didn’t have a grudge.
After all, there’s something at home that we can’t do.
But I saw my brother in a few days.
It’s a photo of the Nine Palaces, a nice little house on the grass.
In America.
I’m very excited about my brother’s speech.
“The best 20th birthday present! “Thank my dearest mom and dad.”
That’s how I see what my dad borrowed.
It’s the house that your brother bought.
I called my brother.
It’s the first time we’ve spoken since college, and my brother and I are not really on the same page.
More should be a form of indifference.
There’s nothing between us, like a stranger living under a roof.
My brother’s been spoiled since he was little, and he told me all about me without much effort.
It’s because my parents wanted to buy my brother a nice house in America, which is a little expensive.
My parents couldn’t bear my brother’s suffering abroad, they spent so much money on him and bought him a car, and two years of tuition and living expenses were enough for my parents to buy a house.
In order to buy the house in the United States, it was not enough to sell two pavements at home, which made it possible to borrow money everywhere.
My brother also said, “Dad said you’ll be an alien, so what if you don’t pay?
“It’s better to pull it out sooner. I’m sorry.
I nod my head: “Well, thank you. I’m sorry.
“Happy birthday to you. I’m sorry.
My brother gave me a word of thanks and then hung up.
No one remembers it’s my birthday too.
But it doesn’t matter.
My eyes are sour, it’s like flying in a bug.
But there’s no water in there.
It’s harder to cry than crying.
I didn’t cry long ago. Crying could be either a leak or a claim.
But I feel empty, nothing to vent, nothing to claim.
I just understand a reason.
From now on, I’m really alone.
05
I started making crazy money.
I write books day and night, and I write a long 60000-word book for three days, and sometimes I don’t eat or drink for almost a day to write a script.
Many times my friends couldn’t watch me anymore and said I’d break my body.
But I don’t care at all.
I just want to hurry up and pay back.
I have more than two or three talents in heaven’s mercy.
Plus, the script killed a few people who didn’t get in there, and I got out of there in a little while.
It’s really the first bucket of gold I’ve ever earned, the first one I’ve ever sold.
I sold $600,000 for this book.
It’s strange that I didn’t cry when I didn’t have the money to go to school and when my dad stole it, but when $600,000 came to the account, I cried and couldn’t help myself.
I was scared of my roommate.
I had only one thought in my heart, and it made me feel like I was free and empty.
I think I can pay back!
I don’t owe them at last!
I’m finally able to cut off their relationship in full light!
I don’t know.
I transferred $180,000 to my mom that day and I took the account book and sent it to her.
I said, “You’ve spent 978 thousand years on me, and I’ll pay you the previous 20,000, and we’ll be done. I’m sorry.
My mom was happy: “Nam, are you so talented? We’re short of money. Do you have any more? Can I borrow some more for Mom and Dad? I’m sorry.
I couldn’t bear to say, “Did you buy a house for Don? I’m sorry.
My mom didn’t think I’d know, but soon after, she went straight and said, “Who won’t buy him?”
“He’s the root of the family! I’m sorry.
I don’t care who you like to buy, but I don’t have any money. You can borrow money, and you can lend me a loan. I’m sorry.
When my mother was waiting, she got angry:
“What’s your attitude? Tell your parents what to borrow!
“Who raised you so big, how can you not be grateful? I’m sorry.
I laughed.
“I didn’t beg you to give me birth. If I could, you think I’d choose your family?
“I’ve already paid you back with my money. I haven’t counted the housework I’ve been doing all these years.
“Don’t get me wrong. I don’t owe you anything. We’ll be fine. I’m sorry.
After all these years of frustration, I’m almost overwhelmed.
In the end, I hung up with my voice shaking.
My mom called me back and I hacked all the contacts.
The world is quiet.
My tears flow down like they were dry, and there was nothing to see.
My roommate was a little worried and asked me, “What’s wrong with you?” I’m sorry.
I laughed, “It’s nothing, it’s too happy, it’s so happy, I’ll invite you to dinner tonight.” I’m sorry.
05
Things don’t seem to change.
I’m making more and more money, and I’ve just opened a house in college town, and the owner beat my exclusive, and business is good.
No one’s come to me at home anymore, as if we all agreed on this broken relationship.
I just didn’t think that when I got my grandma’s phone call, it was my mom’s crying and crying.
Nam, go talk to your brother. He’s staying in America! I’m sorry.
I didn’t think I bought him a house to stay in America.
I didn’t understand what was going on from my mom’s tears.
It turns out that my parents were so worried that my brother was living in a difficult situation far away from home, that they thought about buying him a house to live with.
When my brother comes back, he can sell the house, or they can go to America.
Who would have thought my brother would marry an American Chinese girl there without saying anything?
It doesn’t matter. They were there.
But the girls were raised by freedom. Where did they eat their brother-in-law?
If my parents came, she’d sue for divorce and my brother’s green card would be ruined.
My brother’s back-of-the-drive, which is actually the last pheasant college, and he’s been playing with the Chinese.
You don’t know much English for three or four years, but you’ve learned good things in Northeast and Sichuan.
He can’t do this.
This divorce, my brother’s dream of staying in the United States, is about to become a blur.
He was taken by girls and threatened to sell his house and move it if they dared to.
The roots of this family have gone abroad to take root.
The so-called old-age pension was empty, the house was empty and the old house they lived in was left behind.
My mother cried in despair: “O Nan, advise your brother!”
“What if they don’t come back? I’m sorry.
I can’t tell you what it’s like to be happy and funny.
They take people as root, but they don’t seem to think so.
I said, “You’ve spent 978 grand on me. I’ve doubled it for you, remember? I’m sorry.
When my mom was in a hurry, she changed the subject:
“Nan, tell your brother-in-law he can’t leave us alone I’m sorry.
I laughed.
“That’s your family business, not mine. I’m sorry.
Said I hung up.
When I went out, my boyfriend looked at me like I didn’t look good, and he asked me, “What’s wrong? I’m sorry.
I shake my head.
“Nothing. I’m sorry.
It’s also a coincidence that my boyfriend Chiang-sook is the little fatty in my second year’s room next door.
Ten years later, I can’t recognize him now.
We recognized each other in an unintentional conversation.
His parents came to see him these days. He had to take me with him.
Honestly, I’m really nervous.
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been indoctrinated because I’m a girl, so nobody likes me and nobody needs me.
I’m a gift born with my brother, unwelcome and unrefundable.
So when Chiang told me about this for the first time, I resisted.
I was afraid his parents wouldn’t like me.
After all, who likes someone whose parents don’t even like it?
But Chiang was surprised to hear me. He held me in his arms and said:
“What makes you think that? You’re a good-looking man with good grades and money. Who doesn’t like you? I’m sorry.
His face is as sincere as he really thinks.
I said, “Don’t talk like that.”
Chiang is in a hurry. He takes my hand and looks at me.
“Who’s got you? Do you have any idea how many competitions I’ve defeated to win?
Don’t say that to yourself! I’m sorry.
I don’t know what’s going on.
“You don’t have a fever?”
And Chiang touched my forehead and wondered, “If you were a man, I would not look for you.
“My mom’s a girl. How can she be because you don’t like you? I’m sorry.
His tone is so ordinary, it’s like he’s talking about something normal.
In fact, that is indeed common sense.
But when I heard that, my emotions collapsed.
My tears were pouring down like water on the gate, scaring Chiang.
He’s so busy with his hands and feet he’s tearing his eyes off and panicking:
“What’s wrong with you? Nam, don’t cry!
“If you don’t want to see my parents, I won’t make you. I’m sorry.
I couldn’t help but cry, and the years of depression and frustration seemed to have been completely shattered by this sentence, and I couldn’t help but cry!
Yeah, I’m a woman.
But my mom’s a girl, and my grandma’s a girl.
Why don’t they like me because I’m a woman?
Is this my fault or their fault?
I can’t choose my parents, but if I can, I’m willing to kill my birth at all costs!
It’s a bad thing for both sides!
I cried in Chiang’s car that day and my eyes were swollen when I finally met his parents.
Fucking remembers me. I’m in the house.
“Nan-nam”? It’s fate that you two are still together! I’m sorry.
His father smiled and came out of the kitchen with an apron.
I was a little surprised because my dad never worked at my house.
I put down my present and sat on the couch and watched his father stand up in the kitchen.
It’s a muscular memory that’s built up over the years, and I panic when I see people working.
Because at home when my parents work in front of me, they start breaking things and yelling at me.
You can’t find a good job when you grow up and you have to beat me up when you’re married.
No one would say that to my brother, who could sit there and look away.
So when I saw Chiang’s dad working, my body reacted immediately before my brain.
Chiang was in a fucking coma and then reached out and held me down and said:
“Don’t work at the little girl’s house. I’m sorry.
I was pushed on the couch, and that’s how I felt I had reacted too hard.
I’ve made enough money to be in contact with my family.
But the marks that have been carved on me for more than a decade are too deep to have completely shaped me.
I can’t go home anymore, but I can’t get rid of them.
Then it’s like an invisible chain that binds me firmly, and perhaps I’ll never be free.
I don’t know.
Chiang’s parents were very nice to me, and they should have known about my family, but they didn’t mention it, and they were laughing at me at dinner.
I’ve never felt so relaxed and happy.
Their eyes are on me, their attention is on me, and the subject is around me.
It makes me feel a little uncomfortable, but not bad.
When I was leaving, Chiang gave me two big red packs, a rough touch at least 10,000.
I say no, and I’m gonna fucking give it to me.
“Take it, it’s not much, it’s just Uncle and Auntie! I’m sorry.
Most of my life before me has been very careful and focused on how money can be spent without being verbally abused, and it’s not really the experience of elders who don’t give me money.
I looked at Chiang in a bit of a panic, hoping he could help me with this situation.
Chiang smiled and pulled his hand out of his parents’ hand, “Just give it to me, I’ll hold it!” I’m sorry.
Chiang’s mother took a picture of him laughing at him, saying, “How can she beat you up? I’m sorry.
I don’t know.
Good-bye to Chiang Chiang’s parents, and I sat in the car with a little bit of dementia.
The Chiang family and my family have a very different atmosphere.
I’m not used to eating with Chiang Chiang. I eat fast, I don’t say a word, I’m out.
Chiang used to talk to me at dinner and eat for half an hour.
Sometimes I wonder why a big man eats so hard.
Now I think it’s because when I eat at home, my parents are gonna yell at me all the time.
They’ll pour all the suffocation and anger on me at work, at the time of the meal.
It’s hard for me to eat with my family as a child.
That’s why I have to eat faster, faster, so I can get out of the table and away from them.
It’s only three times as happy to be together for dinner.
While I envy him, I feel a little incomprehensible.
I wish I had such a family.
Too bad I can’t choose.
06
Zhang Lo wanted him to meet my parents and order the wedding.
They know about my family, but they are afraid to speak directly to me of disrespect.
I spoke with Chiang in peace and told him about my family and my past.
“…that’s it, so now that I’m done with them, they’re not gonna look good to you, and I don’t think we need to go back. I’m sorry.
“You have suffered. I’m sorry.
He didn’t ask me to take him home, just say I’m happy.
I didn’t tell my family.
When I went to college, I transferred my account, and my parents didn’t know, and probably didn’t care.
At first, I was afraid that my brother’s coming back to the United States or I’d retire, but I didn’t expect my brother to be back in three months.
My cousin called me at night to complain:
“He was deceived abroad!
“His girlfriend used his marriage to make him a green card, and he took all his money out, and he said he’d do business with us, and he’d make a lot of money.
“And he sold the house and the car to the girl, and after a few months he said she’d lost everything. I’m sorry.
I typed, and I was on speakerphone, and there was a one-and-a-half listen, “And then what?” I’m sorry.
“and then there’s no money!” The green card didn’t work, and the money for dinner was gone! She’s coming home with me! I’m sorry.
My cousin says with outrage, “It’s better to have a son with a loser than a fork.” I’m sorry.
I don’t know.
I hung up on the phone, and I wasn’t in the mood to keep writing.
I didn’t think of this.
When he bought the house, my father sold all the shops and houses in the house, with only a small old man living in his own house.
The house was bought in the best part of the house, and it almost cost the family money.
I didn’t know it was just a year or two.
I feel a little happy in my heart, and I feel bad thinking.
Don Seung-in is back, my parents won’t let him go. This is not gonna hit me again.
Good bad spirits. I just thought of that. My grandfather called.
As soon as I answered the phone, I knew it.
It’s my mom.
Usually when my mom calls me, she talks like she’s got millions of business to do every minute, like talking to me delays her making money.
It turns out that the tone was unexpectedly extraordinary.
Nam, why didn’t you tell your family about your boyfriend? Mom’s gonna help you with the switch. I’m sorry.
I listened to her hypocritical voice and laughed in my heart.
It’s nothing. It’s for me to be the master.
I told you you’d look down on you!
“Your mother’s house is your home, and your brother’s gonna have to back you up in your mother’s house…”
Hang on? Want to take money out of my pocket.
I was sick of them, but I didn’t want them to come over and test me again and again, so I promised to take advantage of the fact that I wanted to speak to them directly.
I went home with Chiang on the weekend.
I didn’t want to take him, but we’ll get married, and sooner or later he’ll know.
I don’t want to hide it from him.
As soon as I got in the door, my mom was cooking.
I look at the table and I look a little ugly.
Three dishes and a soup, two of which are veggies and one of which is celery, like leftovers.
Chiang saw it too. I saw his face sank, but he kept smiling politely.
I feel so angry in my heart, it’s just a little bit of disrespect on my face.
My father went over there and sat on the couch with my mother and Tang Seung-ji and questioned him like he’d been in court.
Chiang Chen replied.
When I learned that Chiang had three houses, my mother was a happy girl and pushed my dad.
My dad coughed, and he said:
“My daughter, as you can see, you’ll make money and you’ll be beautiful. I’m sorry.
“Nam is really good.” I’m sorry.
My father lit a cigarette and looked at Chiang Myeongdo: “How much do you propose to pay?” I’m sorry.
Chiang Chen looked at me.
I made him look like I said yesterday.
“Uncle, I talked to Nan, we don’t want a bride price, we don’t want a dowry, we don’t bother parents.” I’m sorry.
“What? * My mother stood up with her eyebrows *
No bride price! No way! I tell you, the bride price must be 300 grand! I’m sorry.
Tang Seung-in coughed.
My mother immediately added: “I’ll have to buy your brother a house, or I’ll have to transfer your house to him, or I’ll never get married.” I’m sorry.
I looked at my dad, and my dad didn’t talk, he was down smoking, and he agreed with my mom.
It’s all the same as my guess, except I thought they only wanted one room, but I didn’t think they were more greedy than I thought, adding another 300,000.
I was silent for a moment and whispered, “Mom, what if Chiang doesn’t agree? I’m sorry.
My mother looked at me for nothing and said, “Don’t get married without it, you break up, I’ll introduce you! I’m sorry.
I nod my head: I see. I’m sorry.
They don’t care about my life, my marriage.
They just want to use my marriage to sell to Tang Seung-ji.
Chiang was a little angry to talk, and I held him up and looked at my mother.
My mom looked up at me.
I just realized that I was half as tall as she was.
And I looked into my mother’s eyes and said, “I am not here to seek your permission.” I’m sorry.
“I’ve paid you back the money you gave me, and we’re fine. I’m sorry.
When my mother swung, she said, “If you pay back, you pay back.”
“Can you stand here and talk to me without me being born? White-Eyed Wolf, you’re not grateful at all! I’m sorry.
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve heard this patriarchy a million times.
I should thank my mother for giving me birth, my father for raising me, my brother for sharing his money with me.
As long as I disagree, they scold me for nothing.
It’s like I was born to be grateful.
I looked at my mother and decided, “Do you think I want you to give birth to me?”
“Are you expecting me to be born? Didn’t you have a choice to give birth to me?
“Same, I was born because I had no choice.
“If I could, I would have never been born. I’m sorry.
My mom has to speak again. I’ve pulled Chiang up and watched Don Seon-ji do with his ears open:
“If you’re a man, don’t let your mother run ahead. Don’t you despise women? Why do you keep staring at the money in a woman’s pocket? I’m sorry.
I laughed, and said to my parents, “This is your good son, the roots of your old Don family, and I really don’t think there’s any need to pass this on. I’m sorry.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I’m sorry.
Chiang stood in front of me and grabbed my dad’s hand, and I watched my dad’s blue-brained face.
“I say I despise you. I’m sorry.
“You, fool, raised your son a loser. I’m sorry.
And We turned my head at my mother, saying, “You are a woman, but you despise your daughter, and are ashamed of yourself.” I’m sorry.
“And you,” I said to Don Seon-ji, “All day and night I’m trying to squeeze money from my parents and sister, and I’m nothing but a loser.” I’m sorry.
I went out behind Chiang and stood in the living room and said the same thing I had been holding for over 20 years.
“I am ashamed of being with you, just as you despise me. From now on we have nothing to do with this. I will die and I will not come to you, nor will you come to me again.” I’m sorry.
My mother was so angry at me that she caught me: “If you say so, I will sue you of your faith, and I will ask you at your school what kind of students they have been taught.” I’m sorry.
“I’m sorry, I graduated, but you can sue me, and I’ll pay you according to the minimum standard of support.” I’m sorry.
He said I walked up to the table and threw the table, the dishes and the bowls were smashed and the soup was splattered.
I’ve been doing this for years.
My parents yelled at me, and Don Seung-in wouldn’t give a shit.
I was almost shaking, pulling the Chiang out the door.
Out of the door, I sulked my head and I felt all the blood running all over my head.
It took me some time before my brain came back, and when I looked at Chiang after her daughter-in-law, I couldn’t say a word.
“What is your face?” I’m sorry.
No, Chiang stretches his hand and laughs at me, “You were too strong. I’m in your way. I’m sorry.
And I took a long breath and leaned upon him, saying: “What then? I have no dowry, will you turn away from me? I’m sorry.
Chiang Chen left his chin above my head and his voice laughed:
“Hey, why don’t we go in this afternoon? I’m sorry.
07
I don’t know what Chiang told his family, but his parents really agreed that we should go and get it.
I didn’t call my parents when I got married, and they called my relatives and yelled at me, and I hacked them.
I haven’t asked about my family, but I’ve heard more or less from my cousin.
The University of Tang Seung-jian did not have a diploma and could not find a job with a high school diploma.
My parents tried hard to find him, but he had no house, no car, no education, no job, and no girl wanted him.
Now three of them are in that 50-square-square-square-square, complaining to each other every day.
My parents think Don Seung-ji’s holding them back. Don thinks they’re incompetent.
I haven’t felt much since I heard it.
I’ve completely dropped it.
Three months later, my cousin called me again, saying that his mother and Tang Seung-ji had been pushed down the stairs and broken their legs.
“I don’t care if my aunt can’t even pay for the medicine…” she says:
“Nan, I know you’ve been through so many years, but she’s your mother. Go back and see. I’m sorry.
I thought about it, and I didn’t say no.
I didn’t want to go back to see her, mainly because I wanted to say something.
I bought a ticket and flew back home that day.
My mom’s hospital is familiar.
I used to live here too.
Standing at the door of the room, I grabbed my hand around and pushed it in.
In bed, my mom didn’t look so good. The whole guy was skinny.
She had a plaster on one leg, and a hand had to reach out hard enough to fill the glass on the table, and the body had to bend all over because of a slight tremor of force and pain.
I went to pass her the glass.
My mom stomped, looked up at me, and she had a red eye.
I moved my lips a little, and just about to say something, my mother suddenly put a cup on me, and cold water poured on me.
I was so cold and I didn’t feel it, my mom stretched out my hand and hit me, crying:
“What are you doing back here?
“It’s your fault. The whole house is not like a home!
“Why don’t you stab me with a knife! I’m sorry.
I ripped her hand off without an expression.
“What are you doing? I’ll get in trouble.
“I’m telling you, I don’t have time to worry about you. I’m sorry.
The people in the room turned their heads and looked at the scorn in my eyes.
My mom looked up and said:
“How can you talk to me like that? I’m your mother! I’m sorry.
I looked at her naked and whispered:
“Twenty years ago here, you told me that.
“Don’t you remember? I’m sorry.
She’s waking up, and it’s all gone.
“You’re too bitter…”
I didn’t talk, put down 5,000 bucks on the bed.
“Get yourself a nurse. I’m sorry.
Says I’m turning around.
“Nan Nam is wrong, can’t you forgive Mom?” I’m sorry.
I didn’t look back. I stopped in place and turned my back to her.
“Can’t. I’m sorry.
I don’t know.
The corridors of the hospital are not long or short, and I walk alone in the dark aisle and feel that my feet are getting lighter and faster.
Out of the hospital, the weather was bad, the fog was cloudy and the air was damp and slimy.
But I felt that behind me was muddled and clear.
My eyes are sore, and it feels as if the shackles that bind me for more than 20 years have disappeared.
I finally got free. Record number: YX11EnJLAN9
I don’t know.
Keep your eyes on the road.
