What kind of hurt have
you been?
Dionysus, meow. When
my mother was with me, my father squatted in the outhouse with a washbasin.
If it was a baby, he planned to cut the umbilical cord and put it directly in the basin, cover the basin with a piece of cloth, and then go to the ditch to drown.
If it is a baby boy, he will heat the basin, wash away the dirt on the baby boy, and let him be clean.
My mother didn’t agree with my father to drown me, because they had already drowned a baby, that is, my sister. You can
‘t commit too many sins. Heaven will punish you. What can you do if you really can’t do it in the future.
After all, it’s not for me. When I
heard this from the village, I was sitting by the river, washing my clothes and my brother’s diapers in the basin that was supposed to be my coffin.
It was Hua Niang who accumulated the virtue of Yin and kept Hua’s life in exchange for her younger brother. The people who washed their clothes
by the river were all sex, and as they talked, they smashed their clothes with a mallet. I was just five years old
that year, and I didn’t know what “death” was and what “sin” was. I just listened, and then I giggled.
Later, I washed my clothes and went home to repeat the village’s words to my mother, who was quite calm after hearing them: “Your father thought about throwing you away before, but in the end he didn’t do it.”.
You can’t blame him. He’s you.
I was half confused and did not know how to react, so I had to wipe my mouth and giggle.
Maybe I laughed so stupidly that I woke up my brother. The cry of the younger brother of the
house, like a trumpet, poured into the flower very loudly.
Qin hurriedly turned back to the room, and Qin lifted the curtain from the room and turned out, slapping me, who was still laughing, to the wall.
I was so stunned by the fan that I forgot to stop smiling.
“Lossy goods!” He kissed me, grabbed me by the hair and lifted me up. The sound of biting and cutting came out through the cracks. Why don’t
you go and laugh!?
His face was so close to me. From that day on, I knew that I couldn’t laugh. Dad didn’t like to see me laugh or listen to me laugh. He only liked to see and listen to his brother. In the three years when
my mother didn’t have a brother, I was beaten a lot.
But after the younger brother, this one was beaten, and it became me.
At that time, I was locked out of the house every night.
I sat on the front steps, looked up and could see the stars in the sky, looked down and could hear my screams and cries, my curses and gasps.
I don’t know how long it took for me to open the room and wake me up when I was lying on the mud and was about to fall asleep.
In the light that is washed dirty by the dust, I can always see the purple eyes or the muddy mouth. After a time of
screaming and panting, when I was three years old, I finally got pregnant, and then I got my brother.
In fact, I am very grateful for my brother’s health. His arrival not only wiped away the purple eyes and silted mouth, but also gave me a name, Ai. The mugwort of the wormwood
, tossing and turning “ah” in the mouth.
A name for cheap and easy to feed. Before
that, I didn’t have a name.
In order to give my brother a good name, a promising name, my parents went to all the fortune-tellers and sorceresses in the village and neighboring villages within days, occupied all the Zhouyi, and finally decided on a word that was difficult to read even in the most sophisticated village books.
Yu.
Liu Yu.
Later, they did not try again. They felt that there were still too few boys and they wanted to have more.
But maybe when I was pregnant, I was beaten too much, and I got pregnant, and in the end, I couldn’t get pregnant any more.
Liu Yu forever became the most precious existence of my family.
2. When I was nine years old, I took my six-year-old brother to the Hope School in the countryside.
I was nine and my brother was six.
I wear the old and my brother wears the new.
I took my brother, who was two times fat, to school and went to the same grade.
This is the meaning of my parents, in order to let me take care of my brother, it is natural to go to school with him three years later, which is a matter of course.
No, according to my father, this is not only a matter of course, but also his charity.
You’ll marry someone else sooner or later. It’s nothing to read these books.
But when I go to the market in the town, I see that all the children in the town go to school, so you can go too. There is no one
in this village who can love the baby so much. When I
listened, I just lowered my head and stared at my toes. I didn’t dare to look at my mother’s face, and I didn’t dare to say anything. I was afraid that my eyes and responses would provoke my mother’s abuse and beatings, and I was even more afraid of missing the opportunity to go to school.
To tell you the truth, my family is not too poor to open the pot. In
this ditch, when other people were still planting crops, paying public grain and relying on food, my father had already built a pigsty with thatch and bricks behind my house, and had the idea of raising pigs. The year
I left, the pigsty behind my house needed to be expanded by three grids.
For this reason, my father also had a conflict with his neighbor, and was smashed by three of his neighbor Dan Ye with a hoe. Today, he still has the scar of Dao Zhang Wu.
If I hadn’t risked my life to follow them, I might have been killed by those root-cutting animals.
My father always complained when he talked about it, complaining that he didn’t support him at that time.
“The blessings of the Dan family have been lost to the three of them, not even to the four boudoirs or the one with a handlebar. They deserve it!”. After my father scolded this sentence, he was very alert and quiet for a second, standing up to listen to whether it had passed.
Because such a curse would be fatal to the neighbors.
In the countryside, it is much more serious to scold absolutely and let his daughter-in-law outside.
Even so, my tough father did not give up at all and forced the pigsty out.
He earned some money by raising pigs, and then spent all the money on his brother, raising him into another fat pig.
I have been right beside this fat pig, washing his diapers and cutting his clothes, for his amusement and as a target for his grinding. When
Liu Yu was three or four years old, he did not know where to learn to bite.
My mother told me to look at him, and when he was a little unhappy, he punched and kicked me and bit me all over my arms.
I held up my arm to show it to my mother, and she just said, “How much can he hurt you?”? If he
doesn’t bite you, just give in to him. After
that, I never told my mother again, because I knew she wouldn’t be fair, and even before I told her, she looked at me and told me to shut up.
My brother knew his attitude, and after that, he was even more fearless.
He once hit me on the head with a bench and kicked me in the leg with the roller skates he bought in the city.
Although I couldn’t stand up straight all day, I had to help feed the pigs.
My brother danced and skated like a dragonfly, showing off his roller skates as I limped and fought back tears.
I can only close my mouth, silent, tears in my eyes.
So when I led him into the classroom of the grade, all the parts were male light, including the teacher’s light, which passed over my fat-headed brother and stopped on me in my brother’s old clothes for a long time. Although
I grew up thin and short, my brother’s old clothes could not cover the whole body. At that time,
I was still able to read the curiosity and dislike of teachers and classmates, in addition, there are some things I do not know. It was not
until many, many years later that I realized that the emotions I did not understand at that time were called malice.
Perhaps it was the malevolent complexity of the light that made me nervous and frightened, and on the first day of school, I was haunted by a sharp pain in my abdomen.
My brother sat next to me and looked at me maliciously, curled up like a shrimp.
When school was over, I stood up and took my brother home.
The moment I stood up, the whole classroom exploded.
「⾎！ She’s lost it! Shouted excitedly.
“Yuck, it’s coming down from her crotch!” Yes.
“How she hates it!” All the light shone on me again, and I finally lost control and shed tears in pain, panic and humiliation.
My brother threw me away, kicked my foot habitually and ran out.
I could feel water running down my legs, wetting my socks and shoes.
A male teacher heard the noise and came to my side. He looked at my trousers and the floor and frowned in disgust. “No, clean up before you go home.”. When I came home
that night, I knelt outside the house for a long time until the furious kiss fell asleep, and then the kiss opened it and put me in. The
summer thunder came swiftly, muddying my knees and coming out of my trousers.
Violent beads like a kiss of the stick hit me, beat me pain.
My brother kicked me and ran out of school and lost his way.
I did not care to drag the floor in the pain of coma, casually found two pieces of draft paper issued by the school pad in the underwear, and hurried home.
Before I got home, I met my parents who came to look for me in a hurry on the way.
They looked at me discomfited and the marks on my face, and seemed to faint with fear. Where is
your brother! Where is your brother? Is there something wrong with you?
！」 I’ve never seen my parents like this.
Then we went back to school to look for it along the way, pushing me and abusing me on the way, regardless of how the people on the way looked at me.
We found my brother sleeping on his back from the back of the school.
The father and mother seemed to be crying and holding the younger brother in their arms, so they “carried” him home. When I
got home, I was beaten and knelt down until the dog’s light went out.
In the swift thunder under the hood, I felt for the first time that mine was wrong.
But what’s wrong? I can’t say. I just feel hatred, strong, but I can hate.
For a long time before, I did my best in front of my brother’s nanny, and I never doubted the legitimacy of doing these things.
It seems that I came into this world with these obligations.
At that time, I did not read any books, did not understand the meaning of existence, and did not understand any philosophy.
Just to please, please my brother, I hope they can be nice to me.
But none of that, not before, not after.
Because in their eyes, my existence is wrong.
Since then, studying in school has become the only world that belongs to me.
Although his younger brother was also there, the school was a cage and bondage for him.
Parents also don’t force him how good grades, just other children go to school, Liu Yu also have to go.
My parents will support him in the future. In the
sixth grade, the county education Bureau sent a teacher to the countryside for guidance. One of them was
a teacher surnamed Li, whose appearance shocked me.
That kind of skirt, that kind of clean skin, that kind of gentle and elegant lift, in any case, does not match the “sex” I am familiar with.
Also for the first time let the ignorant me produce a kind of sour feelings of jealousy.
She told us that there was no town outside the town, and there was no county town outside the town.
There are more outside worlds.
That outside world has many buildings, reflective glass, lights that light up with a tap, bright classrooms with fans, and children who carry only praise and abuse.
In addition, there are many people who wear beautiful clothes and sit under the same roof with men.
Through her narration, I planted a lamp and a vague direction.
Run.
Get out.
And escape.
4. After graduation, my brother didn’t want to go to junior high school anyway, so my father had a reason not to allow me to continue.
Because if I go to school again, I will go to junior high school in the town. I get up
early and come back late, and I don’t share the work at home.
I cried, made trouble, and knelt down several times, crying until my voice was hoarse and my eyes were swollen, and finally I didn’t get the consent of my parents.
“Your brother isn’t even going. Why should you go?” My father once shouted at me, “If you live at home for another year, Dad will find you a wife. When the time comes, I don’t want to care about you!” He said, “As long as you are supported by heaven, you must listen.” I was kneeling on the ground, tears were flowing, and my face was stiff with tears.
My younger brother looked at me gloatingly, and after my father died, he came around me and said, “You are so miserable.”.
A long, long time later, when my parents brought my promising younger brother to the city to look for me, and I refused to help them every time, I finally had a little pleasure of revenge.
I am not a saint, many years have passed can not put down the hatred and grudge, the original to become a strong is so happy, comfortable.
I ran twice, once to my uncle’s house in town, and on the first day I was sent home and almost killed.
My parents had never been so cruel as to beat me home from the river and from home to the river. The aunts and grandmothers who washed clothes
by the river were the same as when I was five years old. I was beaten, and
they kept their mouths shut, silent and silent.
Later, when they saw my father beat me so hard that it might be very tragic, they couldn’t hold back their laughter and squeezed out of the cracks.
Watching the scene of being beaten makes them think.
This is the laugh of fear, the laugh of mockery, the laugh of sexual compromise.
For the first time, I made an appointment with a girl from the same village to run to the city.
Two people who had never been out of the village got together and carefully planned the route. They had never taken it, but they naively thought it could take us to the city.
Then in the middle of the night, I went to the appointed place and waited for her until the clouds spread and the dawn came, waiting for my father and brother.
They grabbed my hair and dragged me on the ground, dragging me home in despair.
I knew that the girl I didn’t wait for had been sold by her father to a woman with cerebral palsy in a neighboring village as a daughter-in-law.
You run, keep running, and I’ll sell you tomorrow! At least you can get some money and a return! I cried and kowtowed over and over again, pleading with my father, while my forehead came out, my expression became colder and colder.
The third time.. No, there is no third time, so the torture of not seeing the opportunity has completely weakened my spirit.
I don’t want to run. I just want to give in.
I spent a lot of time working hard to help my parents, hoping that my obedience would give me a chance to breathe.
My lazy brother occasionally feeds pigs, but he doesn’t know what kind of dirty feed he has.
Soon, my pig got swine fever and died.
Mom and Dad were completely panicked, and their future was dead.
I became the economic pillar of the family and was directed by my parents to fight in the place introduced by my uncle in the county.
I knew that my father had secretly contacted the matchmaker, but probably because the betrothal gift did not meet my father’s requirements, I was lucky that I was not “sold” to anyone for the time being.
I was accompanied by another girl from the village. I was 3 years old and timid. I didn’t even go to school. I had to bear the burden of my family’s work and future. The
old cab bumps on the road, taking me away from the stinking pigsty, the hellish “home” and “home”.
I leaned against the dirty glass, watching the changing scenery outside the window, I can’t tell the taste, I just feel tired, exhausted tired.
At that time, I was already 17 years old, and I was still learning.
Completely did not consider what to do after the county, just to calculate how much money to stay enough food and clothing, at the same time ignorant to think about the plan to save money.
5. Now that I think about it, I don’t know if I’m lucky. After
arriving at the county seat, he was not abducted, not cheated by the love trade, nor cheated into the pyramid selling nest. Coming down
from the bus, Huai from the same village and I held the damaged cloth bag tightly and opened our eyes to look at the strange world we had never stepped on.
There are no buildings, no reflective glass, no sex when dressing up, and some are still simple, but they also bring me novelty and shock.
No, but there are department stores with flashing neon signs. In the stream, there are also steam passing through. The open-air station is surrounded by various restaurants and hotels. Although there are not many, it brings me a real sense of life for the first time.
The previous 17 years were not living at all, but dying slowly.
In the county seat, my uncle introduced us to the first work is the hair salon shampoo, by the way, follow the board Niang to learn to make wigs. It is
not the link of the grey industry chain, but the serious shampooing, sweeping the floor and collecting the broken hair of customers.
Every charge is 900 yuan, including food and accommodation.
To eat is to go to the back of the salon and spend five minutes tucking in two steamed bun of vegetables while waiting for the least guests; to live is to live in the storage room of the salon, where there is a folding bed, which is folded up against the wall so as not to interfere, and then unfolded at night when sleeping.
I would send 700 yuan to my family and leave 200 yuan to buy goods. I was often so poor that I couldn’t even afford to buy Baowei. I don’t even dare to think about
going out to eat, even if I pass by a spicy hot stand or roast cold, I dare not stop.
Sometimes the smell would chase me far away, and I would suck so hard that I would never dare to turn back.
But no matter when, I have no.
After getting to know the county town, I began to look forward to the “city” of the language teachers, and I still wanted to study.
As I spent more and more time learning from Banniang, my income also rose slowly.
Mom and Dad are like accurate transmitters, and every time they raise money, they will raise the amount accurately.
I don’t know how they know what I’m doing, but if they want it, I’ll give it. It’s been instinct and obedience for years.
Nevertheless, I am quietly saving money, saving all the change that can be saved, squeezed and twisted.
Slowly, my savings went from 100 to 1000, then 5000. After
working as an apprentice in a hair salon for more than four years, my capital has reached 3000, and my savings have finally exceeded 5000.
I took the art of making wigs and the 5000 yuan and set foot on the provincial capital.
I want to see the appearance of the city.
6. Look, I don’t want to do it anymore.
I found a chain barber shop in the city, relying on the skill of playing in the county that year, and stayed. When I
finally left the salon, I had 500, 3500 more.
For me at that time, it was already a common number.
My parents’ phone also followed me to the city. At that time, they were extremely opposed to me coming to the city to have a look, but I decided to go down quickly and didn’t give them a chance to stop me.
After I promised again and again that I would continue to send them more living money, my parents gave in.
Girl, I tell you, you can’t run away! We know each other in the city. If you run away, I’ll catch you and break your legs! My father threatened me like this on the other end of the phone. I just smiled bitterly when I
heard it. Run?
I didn’t dare to run.
Only the opposition has long been broken by father’s stick and mother’s indifference.
As I sent the money, I signed up for the night, thinking about continuing to study.
But later, I found that I could not keep up with the course, even a lot of words could not be recognized, so I slowly gave up the idea of continuing to study.
The money is still saved, but I don’t know where it should be.
Sometimes on the road, whenever a dress, makeup delicate sex and I passed by, I would be slightly stunned, fantasizing about her life and childhood.
Imagine her unreserved moments of coquetry and happiness.
But this fantasy is too vague, too illusory for me.
At the barber shop, I crossed paths with a young hairdresser.
He was also out of the countryside, and the poor work polished him into the opposite of my brother.
We often take care of guests together, and we become familiar with each other.
Although he also started from the beginning, he charged me a lot. If he could hold his ground, it would not be a problem to charge more than ten thousand yuan.
He is very good to me, although he is not good at resigning, but his good exists in the dribs and drabs of life.
I think this may be love, but I never know what love is, I can only guess the form of love and cater to it. I can
also gradually have a cheap bottle of red nail polish, or a sparkling diamond ornament that I like on the street stall.
Once he said, I invited him to have a meal with all the money I had left. After
eating, the phone call came. He didn’t ask for money directly
this time. For the first time, he said something to me in a roundabout way and asked for my warmth. Just
when I didn’t know how to go on, my mother changed the subject and told me about getting married.
My stomach sank.
「…… As for opening a fodder business in the county, it can be said that he has made his way in the world, and he is very rich. He also said that he would help your brother introduce his wife and wife in the county.
My father interrupted over there.
“Well, do you know how much he’s going to give..” I had already taken the phone to a place a little farther away from my boyfriend.
“Wan!”! A whole ten thousand! My mother said, her voice trembling with joy.
I hesitated for a moment and said softly but firmly, “Father, mother, I won’t marry.”. I
already have someone I want to marry. Before the
words were out, my father’s voice roared from the other side of the receiver: “Lose money!”! How dare you! I took the phone away, tears were already rolling in my eyes, and I didn’t want to hear the dirty words.
My boyfriend came to my side, looked at me and held my hand.
In fact, I don’t know if I really want to marry him. What I know is that I don’t want to listen to my parents any more.
7. Two months later, we got married. At the humble wedding in
his hometown, my parents did not come, only my brother came.
On the night when I finished eating the pot two months ago, under the firm support of my husband, I strongly refused the order to let me go back to my hometown to marry, no matter how bad they scolded me there. The attitude of
my parents on the phone was very tough. They threatened and lured me all over, from crying for poverty to crying for their kindness. Finally, they said that if I didn’t go back to get married, they would tie me up.
But father, mother, I am already pregnant.
“I said calmly,” I have gone to do the B ultrasound, the husband did not say directly, but the words mean a boy.
I won’t marry someone I don’t know, even if you choose.
Pregnancy is true, but for men, I don’t know. After listening, the
parents were silent for a long time and hung up the phone.
Later, they said that they agreed to my marriage, but the bride price could not be less.
The younger brother came this time to get the betrothal gifts for his parents.
I gave the cash to my brother, fifty thousand yuan.
Originally, my husband and her husband’s family wanted to pay more attention to it, but I refused.
I’m not afraid to laugh at the lack of betrothal gifts. I just don’t want to fulfill my parents’ wishes.
By the time I was 25, this was the first time I had followed my heart.
Because I have a husband behind me. That
‘s all, go back.
I said to my brother.
Fifty thousand?
！ Only fifty thousand?
！」 My sleazy brother has dyed hair, bad hair, and an incredible expression on his face. What about
sending beggars?
If you think you are a beggar or a beggar, that’s all right.
“*** you.” My brother tried to push me, but my husband behind him grabbed me by the arm.
If you dare to hit your sister, I will dare to chop you. The muscles on
my brother’s face moved, and he obviously didn’t want to suffer this loss, so he put down his arm.
I stood and watched my brother leave her husband’s house with fifty thousand yuan like a local ruffian, and I knew that my betrothal gift money would never go to my father.
Sure enough, three months later, my brother was arrested by the Public Security Bureau for gambling when my stomach was getting more and more inconvenient. When
I went to my parents again, they were holding each other and appeared in front of my husband’s house.
“What are you doing here?” I was surprised, but when I saw their haggard and anxious faces, I suddenly realized the difference.
My mother sat on the old sofa and just wept, and my father smoked, and his hair was very eye-catching.
I held out my belly to wash the fruit for them, but I couldn’t get the comfort of their words.
Taking advantage of this gap, I sent a text message to my husband.
Your brother, your brother, has been arrested. When
I carried the fruit over, my father opened it, and the first sentence was this.
That day he took my betrothal gift money, went out of my husband’s house and went into the underground casino, and then lost all fifty thousand yuan. It doesn’t matter if he
lost everything. He was also red-eyed in gambling. He stabbed the banker three times in a row. Although he didn’t die, it was also a crime of intentional injury.
“My boudoir, my boudoir, save your brother!” My mother shouted at the top of her voice, “I’m really worried that my next-door neighbor will come and smash it.”.
“If he’s sentenced, your mother and I won’t be able to live!” I didn’t say anything.
My father put out his cigarette in the ashtray and said, “Ah, you can collect some money to redeem your brother. That’s settled.”.
“” Money?
How much is it
For the sake of the baby, I try to be calm.
I don’t have any money now, and I didn’t leave any savings before, so I sent them to you.
By rights, you should have a lot of savings over the years. If you
have no money, you can ask your husband for it, ask your husband’s family for it! This time it’s your own brother who has had an accident, not others! My father was a little anxious, and my mother pulled him down and restrained his words.
Ai, something happened suddenly. You can think of a way to collect ten thousand yuan.
“I didn’t ask him to gamble!” I couldn’t help mentioning it.
“Why don’t you take care of him?” “But prison isn’t for you. Ai, you’re his own sister. You have to save him!” My mother wants to cry.
“Mother, please!” At this point, I calmed down and even wanted to laugh: “I really don’t have any money, and my in-laws don’t have my last name, and they don’t have ten thousand.”.
And, beg?
Move your mouth and ask for it?
Liu Ai! Don’t be shameless! My dad snapped to his feet and I began to shiver.
All these years of shadows and instinctive reactions made me shrink back like a conditioned reflex. What more do
you want? Hit me
again?
Shoot me?
“Well, kill me and let Liu Yu at the head of the prison feed you!” My father’s angry movements were half frozen, the muscles and wrinkles of his face twitched, and his whole face became more and more gloomy.
Then he lifted his trouser legs and did a squat, but the next moment, his knees touched the ground unexpectedly, and he knelt down to me.
Liu Ai, Dad, please.
My mother was stunned.
I watched his movements, kneeling down to me on the sofa, and felt a little funny.
Funny.
I have knelt before them hundreds of times, and never have I been more discomfited than he was.
Even when I had my period, I would kneel on the road winding from the trouser pipe to the ground, not saying a word and not daring to move, just to fight for a chance to go to school. Is
that enough?
My father bit the back groove and said.
You’ve already knelt down for you. Will your brother’s money come out or not?
In the silence, I heard the sound of the key turning in the lock, and I knew my husband was back.
She stood up hurriedly, sat down on the sofa, and finally looked at me.
You go back, I won’t go out. Holding my stomach,
I stood up slowly and said slowly, In the future, apart from your fixed alimony, I won’t give any extra money.
As for how much alimony you love to take to Liu Yu, also close with me.
My father was so angry that he grabbed the ashtray on the table and threw it at me.
I was caught by my husband who had already opened it, and then I hit my father on the head.
My father’s cry of pain was like the screams of my pig who had swine fever and died in a fetid pigsty.
I did not look back, but tears have come out.
I don’t feel pain.
. Focus on not getting lost ~
