What should I do if I can’t find a topic after
minutes? It takes skill to
do anything, and talking to girls is no exception.
What can you do to quickly open up a conversation?
The first basic technique is to “start a conversation with a routine topic.”.
Tip 1: Routine topics in life, when we talk to people we don’t know well for the first time, we always feel that we don’t know what to say, which makes us get into an awkward atmosphere. At this time, we need to use routine topics to help us start the conversation.
When using this technique, we need to ask questions from the shallow to the deep, starting with some basic greetings.
For example, “The weather is getting warmer recently”, “The weather is quite good today”, “Are you busy with your work recently” and so on. At this time, we need to give some simple and specific questions.
That is to say, ask directly, “Are you busy with your work recently?”? Instead of
asking, How’s it going?
This kind of undirected question, because a simple and direct question will greatly reduce the difficulty of the other party’s answer, so that he is no longer nervous.
After establishing a relaxed atmosphere, we can slowly go further and choose some other routine topics.
For example, “Do friends or colleagues often come to you to discuss things? I feel that you have a quality that makes people rely on you.”. Things you’ve been looking forward to
lately haven’t been going so well, and you’ve been a little frustrated. Those things take longer than you thought. Don’t worry, you can keep doing them.
When talking about routine topics, we don’t have to pay too much attention to the results of speculation, because cold reading is to accumulate routine topics and build a channel for the other party to make a positive response. This principle is called the “channelization principle.”. This principle is also used in some small games in
daily life. One game is played by asking a person to say “mouse” ten times in a row.
Then when another person asks, “What are cats afraid of?”?
He would reflexively say, “Rat!” However, we all know that mice are afraid of cats.
From this example, we can easily see that when people do the same thing repeatedly, their thoughts will unconsciously deviate from which direction.
So when talking, accumulate positive reactions through routine topics, and the other person will establish a channel of affirmation and acceptance of your words.
In addition to the routine topics just mentioned in our example, there are also some routine topics to choose from and learn from, such as “Sometimes you have a tendency to procrastinate a little because you are afraid of trouble” and “You are an emotional person, but you are not very good at expressing yourself.
So sometimes it can be misunderstood or give a cold impression, “or” although you intentionally hide it, you can still see that you have high expectations for this thing in your heart. “. The choice of
routine questions can be constantly improved according to the different situations you face. Intentional accumulation will help you form your own routine topics, because even professional psychiatrists and counselors need to have some diagnostic experience before they can establish their own routine topics.
Skill 2: Using Negative Questions The second basic skill of cold reading is to use negative questions skillfully.
What is a negative question?
It’s something like, “For..” Don’t you know it in your heart?
」、「…… Don’t you notice this kind of thing?
“,” Isn’t it.. Is it?
This kind of sentence pattern can quietly express your own speculation. If you guess wrong, it is just a topic that will not be noticed for a while. But once you guess correctly, it will impress the other party and immediately raise her interest, making her feel that you understand her.
Someone did an experiment on more than a dozen women, and the first time they met, he tilted his head and pretended to be a little incomprehensible and asked, “Well..” Aren’t you left-handed? “Almost everyone answered without hesitation,” No, I’m right-handed.
“Then she just said,” That’s right. He
nodded in agreement, and the conversation went on, but no one asked him, “Why?” Even if someone did ask, he just replied, “It’s nothing, it’s just that the people I’ve met recently are left-handed, and I didn’t expect it to be different today.
This will not affect the rest of the conversation at all.
But if the other person is really left-handed, it’s a big deal. Almost all of them will be particularly surprised and ask, “How do you know?” At this point, the communication between them will immediately become familiar. So intersperse some negative questions in
communication, as long as you guess one, you can quickly grasp each other’s heart.
Skill 3: Skillful Questioning The third basic skill of cold reading is skillful questioning.
In daily life, if you ask a person directly, “Where do you live?”?
The other person is usually alert and wonders, “Why do you ask this?”? Sound the alarm
in your heart, but if you ask him, “Do you live in Haidian District?”?
The other person usually has no defense and says, “No, I live in Dongcheng District.”.
This is the clever questioning method we are going to talk about, which usually gives a clear answer and allows the other party to correct it, and then the other party will get the real information unconsciously.
Because people subconsciously want to correct what others say wrong, they are less likely to be distracted by wondering why the other person said it.
Simply put, the key to mastering smart questioning is to not let the other person realize that you are asking a question. What do you do
if you go to a dance or social event and want to get to know someone better who you’re meeting for the first time?
Most people will try to find common topics, because if both sides have common interests and friends, they can quickly open up the situation.
So how do you find common ground? Questions as general as “What are your interests?”, “What do you do on vacation?”, “What kind of music do you listen to?”, although they can find some connection points, will seem a little impatient and bring invisible pressure to the other party.
At this time, you might as well try the tactful questioning method. Say to the other party, “You seem to like black music.” “It’s easy for the other party to answer at this time.” Really? In fact, I usually prefer to listen to Taylor Swift’s songs.
Then you can learn about each other’s musical tastes and follow the conversation.
This way, you won’t give the impression that you’re desperately trying to find common ground, and you can ask for the information you want.
Tip 4: Enlarge & # x2F; Narrow the statement The fourth tip of cold reading is to expand or narrow the statement and turn what is not said into what is said, which can mainly help us narrow the scope of the conversation.
As we said before, people always pay more attention to themselves, so naturally they will pay more attention to their troubles, so if we want to communicate more deeply, we can gradually shift the focus of communication to the troubles of life.
The next question is how we should guess each other’s troubles.
At this time, we need to use the method of expanding or narrowing the statement to lock in each other’s troubles.
In fact, all the troubles in life are nothing more than four aspects: interpersonal relationships, money (including all affluence), dreams and goals, and health.
For example, all problems at work can be categorized as “money,” “interpersonal relationships,” “dreams and goals,” problems at work, layoffs, or problems with colleagues or superiors; If it’s an emotional problem, of course it applies to the category of “interpersonal relationships,” which can apply to relationships with parents and relatives, love relationships, work relationships, and so on. If it’s a recent depression, lack of energy, or confusion, it’s a problem of “mental health.”. Do you
see that almost all worries and doubts apply to one of these four areas.
We only need to use the method of “expanding & # x2F; narrowing the statement” to guess which category the main annoyance belongs to, and then gradually explore, we can lock in the other party’s annoyance.
In practice, we can ask the person we are talking to, “Have you been having health problems lately?”?
If the other person says, “No, I’m healthy..” Then you can expand the scope of health, lead the other person to mental health issues, and ask the other person, “Really? Isn’t mental health a little difficult to grasp?” At this time, the other person will naturally follow your words. “Ah, yes. There has been some pressure at work
lately.
When using this technique, we should also pay attention to observing the other person’s reaction, try to keep our rhetorical questions and questions quiet, and guide the other person in a relaxed and unconcerned tone. Don’t forget that you are guiding the other person to say his question, not really “fortune-telling.”.
Tip 5: Ingenious Prophecy Next, let’s talk about the last basic skill of cold reading: Ingenious Prophecy.
If a mind reader is only talking about the past or the present, you will inevitably wonder if he has “secretly investigated it.”.
But if it’s a prediction of the future, and it comes true, will you trust the mind reader more?
So at the end of a conversation, you might as well give a clever prediction, which can not only make the other person feel more than enough, but also make him feel your concern for him invisibly, and can lay a good topic for the next meeting, because the more important thing is how your relationship has progressed.
So how should we predict the future?
In fact, if you put your heart into it, it is not difficult to find that some prophecies in our life are impossible to be inaccurate. Such prophecies generally have a wide range, and only when you are right will you suddenly remember the existence of this prophecy.
For example, “In the near future, someone who hasn’t been in touch for a while will suddenly contact you. You should cherish it.”.
This prediction first gives a very vague time range, which may be a few weeks or a few months in the near future.
“Not been in touch for a while” is also difficult to define, because if you are a good friend, even if you haven’t been in touch for a week, you may feel that “not be in touch for a while”, and “contact” actually includes many forms, such as phone calls, WeChat, e-mails, casual encounters, and even a like in the circle of friends. You will feel that this is a kind of connection.
In life, we will talk about constellations, blood types and so on, and we will think that different constellations and blood types will have different personality characteristics. We usually think that Pisces people are emotional and kind, Leo people are domineering and confident, and Capricorn people are serious and rigorous. This is actually a simple personality classification. Similar to personality classification, there are various psychological tests and “MBTI” indicators widely used in vocational tests.
Cold reading introduces a simple and easy character analysis method, which is also the key point to master cold reading. We & # x2F; Me type, that is, the classification of “we and I”.
This classification is based on the E & # x2F; P theory advocated by John Karpas, a hypnotherapist in Southern California, which Ishii optimized in the process of applying this theory to psychotherapy practice, thus forming the “we and I” classification.
This classification divides people into two types, the “I” type and the “we” type. The
“we” type thinks, feels, and acts on the basis of “we.”.
They can quickly push the communication to the intimate stage, pay more attention to harmony, even in unfamiliar occasions, they will not resist speaking in front of people.
This type of person is emotionally expressive and their emotions change quickly, but no matter how angry or sad they are at the time, they basically forget everything when they wake up.
Because we people, that is, “we” people, attach great importance to “we,” they tend to choose jobs that are in direct contact with people, such as salesmen, teachers, nurses, and so on. In terms of
interpersonal relationships, it requires a sense of unity, emphasizing that everyone should be able to unite as one and work hard.
In terms of love, they also believe that there should be no concealment between lovers, and that sharing everything is love.
But because they put too much emphasis on “us,” “us” people don’t have their own opinions, so sometimes they are indecisive.
This kind of person is easy to be trusted, not very good at refusing other people’s requests, and has the temperament of a leader.
Usually looks like very strong, in fact, the heart is a little fragile, forced to make important decisions, sometimes knocked down by pressure. The
Me type, that is, the “I” type, thinks, feels, and acts on the basis of the “self.”.
They usually don’t like to talk, but when they have a one-to-one conversation or a small conversation, they become very relaxed and talkative, and they are more able to express themselves.
“I” people don’t like personal topics very much, but when it comes to work or hobbies, they are enthusiastic.
Emotional expression is not too externalized, and he is silent.
Because he talks little, he is often misunderstood as a cold person, but in fact he is easy to feel lonely. As long as someone greets him readily, he will soon fall in love with him.
Because “I” people value the “self,” they are more suitable for independent work, and tend to choose that kind of work, such as engineers, craftsmen, lawyers, and so on. Such specialized work is very suitable for Me-type people.
In interpersonal relationships, they will also pursue “self” and hope that they will be respected.
At worst, they are self-centered, hate being instructed to do anything, don’t do things they can’t understand, and once they can understand, they will do it firmly even without encouragement or advice from others.
The “I” type seeks excitement and adventure in love. Once you get the opposite sex you
want, your previous enthusiasm will suddenly cool down.
Unlike the “we” type, the “I” type will find it troublesome to be relied on and will run away. To put it
simply, the “I” type thinks in a self-centered way, while the “we” type thinks in a “we” -centered way.
So how do you tell if a person is “I” or “we”?
The first method is the test method, which contains 15 questions, and we can test what type of person we are through a simple test.
The 15 questions include: When you cross your hands, do you put your left thumb on top or your right thumb on top? Is it easier to walk side by side
with someone on your right hand side or your left hand side? Which side of
your body is more vulnerable to injury, the left or the right? When you are introduced to a friend of a friend, do you quickly become comfortable and relaxed in conversation, or do you care too much about the other person and don’t know how to evaluate yourself? When you are
with your lover, will you still talk about love in front of others, or will you only talk about love when there are two people?
Wait.
Through these 15 questions, you can determine whether you are a “we” person or a “I” person.
In addition, we can also make a general classification by appearance: “We” people usually choose more gorgeous clothes, are relatively relaxed and happy with others, and dare to speak loudly in public.
They tend to be robust or plump, or at least of medium height, and there are not many people who are really thin.
This kind of person has the tendency to carry the bag on the left shoulder, the center of gravity is mostly in the left foot, and the injured part is mostly in the left half of the body.
In conference rooms, cinemas, etc., from the point of view of the person being observed, most people sit on the left side of the seat. When two people sit side by side or side by side, they like each other to be on their right hand side. At the same time, in order to make the right forehead appear broad, the hair line is inclined to his right side. The
“I” type, on the other hand, prefers traditional and plain clothes. When you are
with people, you don’t like to be too close, and you will habitually be a little distant. There are many people who are
slim, tall and thin, and have long necks.
This kind of person has the tendency to carry the bag on the right shoulder, the center of gravity is mostly on the right foot, and the injured part is mostly on the right half of the body.
In conference rooms, cinemas and other occasions, if you can choose, most of them will sit on the right side of the seat, when two people sit side by side or side by side, like each other on their left hand side.
In order to make the left forehead appear broad, their hair line is inclined to the left.
In addition, there is a more obvious feature, that is, the direction of the hair rotation of the “I” type and the “we” type is opposite: the hair rotation of the “I” type is clockwise, while the hair rotation of the “we” type is counterclockwise.
With these two methods, we can easily judge which personality type a person belongs to in general, and adopt different communication methods for different personality types. Emotion is the best way to get in touch
with “we” people.
For example, if you say to him, “It’s all thanks to you” or “Everyone is very grateful to you”, he will feel very happy and willing to help you solve your difficulties.
When dealing with “us” people, be careful to look them in the eye and nod your head forcefully to show your sympathy while giving them affirmation.
When chatting, you can also keep asking questions, which can be small talk or more serious content, and at the same time, you can provide some sincere suggestions at the right time.
In communication, you can freely express your emotions, such as surprise or laughter.
When dealing with “us” people, there are also some forbidden areas to be aware of: the first is to deny what the other person says.
Be sure not to say “but..” “But..” The second is not to talk about things related to character, whether it is praise or blame, do not say, “a character like you..” And don’t get hung up on asking about their goals or dreams.
Because “we” people like to live in the present and are not very good at thinking about the future.
Don’t talk big with these people, because it will make them feel that you are cold and businesslike. Be
especially careful not to speak ill of others in front of “us” people, because they may wonder, “Is he saying the same thing about me behind my back?” And when dealing with “us” people, we should choose to talk about rational things rather than pour out our feelings.
Because the work motivation of the “I” type is self-realization, praising his work and affirming his ability will make him very useful. Praise and affirmation will stimulate his self-esteem, and his work motivation will be improved.
For example, you can say to them, “Only you can do this job.” On the other hand, if you say to him, “This job is easy, you can try to do it.” Then you may not be able to motivate him.
In daily communication, you can also use some details to promote communication with “I” type people.
For example, you can pretend to observe the other person as if nothing had happened and give timely care: If the other person seems to feel cold, silently ask the clerk to turn down the air conditioner.
At the beginning of the conversation, you can talk about yourself first.
Because if you start by asking questions, the other person will feel as if they are being questioned.
In the process of conversation, we should find out the areas that the other party is good at as soon as possible, and start the topic, show positive interest, and be a good listener.
If you are asked about yourself, try to choose a more practical dream or goal to show that you are both practical and enthusiastic.
Of course, when dealing with “me” people, you should also pay attention to some of the other person’s minefields: first, don’t talk about your weaknesses and seek sympathy at the beginning; second, don’t just talk about yourself, and always pay attention to whether the other person is bored.
In the process of communication, try to avoid advice or preaching. In terms of
interpersonal distance, don’t touch the body of such people casually or be too intimate.
In particular, be careful not to show a strong attitude, avoid talking about men and women, because this can easily lead to confrontation between each other, and finally, do not express opinions about the physical characteristics or clothing of “I” type people, whether these opinions are praise or criticism. The classification of
“I” people and “we” people is very easy to learn and very practical. You can start with your friends, try to communicate with them, observe their reactions, and see if this method makes you feel that the communication between you is more smooth.
That’s all about personality classification. Next, let’s talk about the practical skills of cold reading in daily life. In his book, Hiroyu
ki Ishii mentions a lot of skills that can be applied in daily life. We can understand them from three aspects. First of all, the first one is about daily communication skills.
Do you want to impress others with your compliments? Hiroyu
ki Ishii tells us that we can try to “compliment each other on their shortcomings.”.
Because most people will praise others from the superficial impression, such as saying to a girl with a good figure, “Your figure is really good, it’s a pity not to be a model.”.
However, this way of praise does not have much effect.
Because everyone says so, this girl must have heard a lot of such similar praise, naturally will not feel impressed.
So if you want to impress the other person, you have to make the other person feel that “this person is different from what other people notice.” The so-called “shortcoming” is the point that is different from other people.
For example, if Miss A is a beautiful woman who has a good figure but makes people feel a little arrogant, then when praising Miss A, you can say, “I didn’t expect you to be a kind and approachable person.” Because few people affirm her from this point of view, she will not only feel very happy, but also think that “this person knows me very well.”.
In daily life, how to quickly enter a pleasant and harmonious communication atmosphere when meeting for the first time? Hiroyu
ki Ishii mentioned the technique of “looking in the mirror,” that is, imitating the other person’s movements as if nothing had happened, because people feel a sense of intimacy when faced with the same movements as themselves.
For example, if two people are sitting face to face, if the other person picks up a coffee cup with his right hand, you pick up your own cup with your left hand, but you can’t let the other person notice that you are imitating him, just let the other person’s subconscious feel it, otherwise he will feel offended.
In order to prevent being detected, you can change the time with the other party’s action. After the other party finishes the action, wait a little while before imitating it.
In this way, even if the other person does not realize it, he has begun to feel close and reassured to you in his subconscious mind. The second aspect of
love and marriage is the communication of love and marriage.
If we have the intention of further contact with a person in the social activities, how should we attract him and find out the ideal lover image of the other party?
At this time, Hiroyuki Ishii suggested that we use the topic of “pets” to inquire about each other’s preferences. We could write to him as if nothing had happened: “I want to keep a pet recently. If it were you, what kind of pet would you prefer?
After the other side makes an answer, ask immediately: “Hum, so, what place do you like it then?”?
For example, if he says that he likes cats to accompany him and be free, it means that he wants to be a “free and casual” person in the eyes of others. Then we can turn free and casual into another way to praise him and impress him.
Then we can continue this question by asking him, “What other pets do you like besides cats?”?
Then ask the reason, when the other person’s answer is close to his ideal lover image, then you can quickly make a mental assessment of yourself, clear which direction you should work in. Hiroyu
ki Ishii also mentioned a technique to help see through extramarital affairs or speech-the questioning method.
First of all, seriously say to the other party, “I will only ask you one question now, and I will not ask anything else. Please answer honestly.”.
Let the other person feel the pressure, then look him in the eye and ask, “Have you had an affair?” If the other person simply answers, “No.
Then he is telling the truth.
If the other person answers, “Why do you ask?” Or “What did I do?” “Don’t you believe me?”?
This kind of answer is very likely to have an extramarital affair.
Because even people who are good at lying can feel guilty deep down because of lying.
If it is a complicated question, he can pass it perfunctorily, but if it is a simple lie about YES or NO, his heart will inevitably waver and he will want to avoid answering. A person with a
clear conscience usually asks, “What about you?” A person with a guilty conscience, because he is trying to avoid this topic, will not have the extra effort to ask. The third aspect of
e-mail communication is online e-mail communication.
The first tip is to try to mention the other person in the email.
Because email is not a real-time communication, we have no way to know the other person’s reaction when we write an email. It’s easy to just write about ourselves and forget the other person’s feelings. We have mentioned many times before that people always pay most attention to themselves, so this self-written email may make the recipient feel uncomfortable.
Therefore, it is better for us to keep mentioning the other person in the e-mail. One of the simplest ways is to frequently mention the other person’s name or nickname, which will make him feel that it is a very close e-mail.
Then, be careful when writing emails to both “us” and “me” types. When writing an e-mail
to an “I” person, it’s best to write simply and clearly, and only write about the important things. When writing an e-mail to an “we” person, you should pay attention to being full of emotion. You can lengthen the beginning and write about the important things at the end. You can also use emoticons or colorful words to express your mood.
Also, when writing a work E-mail, you can write the content of the request first, and then write the flattery.
Because if you write the words of flattery first and then write the content of the request, the other party will feel very comfortable after reading the first half of the paragraph, but then see “I have something to ask you today..” You will immediately feel that “what I wrote before is just flattery, just to make me accept his request.”.
But if on the other hand, although the request at the beginning makes the other person feel unhappy, but see the flattery behind, his mood will improve, this good mood will also become an impression after reading the letter, it is easier to agree to your request.
These are some of the practical skills of cold reading, which are the practice of applying cold reading to daily life and communication, so that we can communicate with others more smoothly.
Finally, we should be clear: the most important thing in communication is sincerity, cold reading is only a means to help us better express ourselves, promote communication and exchange, do not attend to trifles and neglect essentials.
. Focus on not getting lost ~
