“Good morning, good night, what are you doing?” I’m sorry.
Or report every day and text humor.
These are very low-value and can be used as an alternative to a very strong “ineffective payment”.
Today, let’s talk about the problems that beset countless people: how can it work?
The initiative is strategic, the right one has four basic directions.
I. Demonstrating their visible strengths and personality tensions
II. Eliminating ineffective payments
III. Leading each other ‘ s engagement
IV. Give each other full autonomy
We’ll have one today.
Show yourself.
Create a motive.
I have a girl friend who shared her love story with her boyfriend.
Two were doctors and nurses in different departments of a hospital, and boys had always liked girls.
However, there has been no progress in relations because of the male character, poor expression and lack of appearance, which are not ideal for girls.
There was a chance that two people were sent out to work in a ward at the same time, and in a team-like atmosphere, boys showed great care, professionalism, nuanced attitude and warmth to the patient, which suddenly moved girls.
And after a good feeling, girls started trying to get to know the boys — slowly finding out that the boys were very passionate about their profession, very cooperative, and they had a lot of pyrotechnics in their lives — and these were really attractive to her.
However, without that experience of working together, she would not have had any in-depth knowledge of the desires of the boys, nor would she have known that the boys actually had those qualities that attracted her.
So we’re saying that it takes some chance for love to happen — it takes such an instant to impress each other and make each other want to get to know us better.
The word “probate” sounds like an ingenious word.
In fact, the need for a margin of opportunity does not mean that we have to stand by and obey our destiny, and we can do so on our own.
How?
In the animal world, birds sing for a couple, and peacocks open their eyes to love — and the human world is the same — and it’s more important to show that I have something.
Creating the potential means that we need to find an opportunity to see our strengths — the “visible advantage” — and that requires us to understand ourselves in two ways:
First of all… excavating your advantage or advantage.
Don’t say I have nothing.
And each of us has a big, small advantage, and it’s hard to comb it, and it’s certain that we can find a place where we can do more than play the game — and the most important thing that we can do is to increase our self-confidence, which is to dig out the side of our advantage.
Secondly, to understand the circumstances in which we can display our advantages to the greatest extent natural.
And as the previous story tells us — our most charming state of affairs needs the right environment to trigger it.
So the solution is — to bring yourself to an environment that inspires us.
I’ll give you a simple example.
For example, when we choose a place to go, we can be a little more careful about choosing a dating environment that inspires our confidence and charm.
If you’re a person who appreciates art, then you can ask each other for a tour of art;
If you’re a smart man with a strong sense of logic, ask each other to escape in a secret room;
If you’re good at dessert, take each other to a shop where you can make dessert by yourself and show them the whole process of your baking;
If you’re a tasteful eater, take each other to a fancy, small restaurant.
These are your dating environments — you’ll find yourself in a more self-confident and comfortable state than in any other environment, and you’ll see the light side naturally.
In the selection of a partner, the “visible advantage” is part of our own relative stability and will always be with us — if the other side is attracted to your visible advantage, it will be more persistent and in-depth than the outside.
It’s a bad image.
In point 1, we mention visible advantages.
As we demonstrate these visible advantages, more or less part of our personality will be revealed.
So on this basis, we can push it further, and we can maximize our personality charm — that’s by creating a negative image.
What’s wrong with the image?
A few simple examples:
A busy boy who likes to cook at the same time and enjoys a good life, do you think he’s different and would like to know more how he does it?
Would you like to know why a man who is so sensitive and soft in nature, who is not allowed to give up on issues of workplace bullying or other principles?
A girl who looks like a woman, but is a Thai boxer. Do you think she’s mysterious and unique and has a desire to explore and understand?
Did you find out?
There’s something in common with these glamours.
Mulan women in the army, Lord Yuen’s tenderness — we look at the fascinating, widespread and deep-rooted stories of history — are not just people with a rich personality, or even a lot of negative images.
Different sides of the personality, even some of the seemingly conflicting character traits, are present in one person — this contrast creates tension, and it also brings charm.
Share a story of my friend:
Girls and sheep met a boy at work, and both had a little affection for each other.
Two people went out three times, climbed mountains, watched movies, at dinner, and the boys made it clear that they were women with high working skills.
However, girls feel a little distance from each other, that there is always a lack of fire and that the atmosphere between them is always easy to return to in the workplace.
And when she asked me for help, I learned that this girl had a warm feature — she was very fond of little animals, and she organized a stray cat in her city.
Given that their initial state was recognized in the working environment, boys had seen the female side of the situation.
I suggest that this girl arrange her next date to a place where she can naturally be seen as soft, with little animals — like a cat’s curry, where she can see different things than she did when she first met.
It’s true that after the third cat’s date, the relationship between the two of us moved on.
The girl’s back told me that the boy felt so charming and warm.
This example is a reference, and you need to dig into your own unique character combination.
Let’s not be defined by a particular character label, such as “Stecman” or “Girl Man” or “Girl Boy” — let’s get rid of these labels and explore the other aspects of our personality — what are the different and living images of ourselves in different contexts, in different people?
These are the real you. Show each other the way!
In the course of dealing with each other, it’s just a little bit to show you that you’re real and rich, to surprise each other, to create interesting experiences.
This process is not only a surprise to the other party, but also a process by which you become more aware and more confident.
Looking back at the two main points of “proactive demonstration”, we can see:
Our greatest charm must be real, and it’s something that we all have — if we have to know ourselves enough and find the right environment to trigger and show it.
It’s true that “the self-confident is the most charming.”
If we spend all day poking around each other, chasing each other’s standards, digging our heads into the way they want to — And this becomes a kind of “loaning” attitude — losing your framework, losing your self-confidence, talking about charm and attraction.
II. Eliminating ineffective payments
“Sponsively, you lose,” “give your heart for nothing” — these poison chicken soups seem to be a declaration of love by many.
But most people never think about what’s going on under this phenomenon.
Let’s think about it — the reason we’re not valued, is it really the initiative?
Isn’t it true that many of our so-called lovers are willing to approach the target? Why do they take their own initiative? What is the difference between their initiative and our initiative?
In fact, the illusion is that a lot of people are doing “no good.”
In three ways:
(i) The self-righteousness and initiative of many is essentially an unknowing “request”
(ii) Lack of their own framework and demand by the counterparty
(iii) There is no filter – choose to be a “poor” overdraft
We’ll break it down one by one.
It’s not working.
Boys A fell in love with a girl in a different sector of the company, and he spent more than a month thinking about how to make a girl happy.
Send a message to the girls to put on their clothes in the cold and order an iced milk tea for the girls;
On the occasion of the Festival of Girls, a small gift of no value was prepared for the girl, and she was brought home for a special delivery.
Every time a girl refuses, little A says, “It’s a co-worker, it’s not a valuable thing to take care of each other.”
Girls were prevented from doing the same thing and were politely accepted for something that was not valuable.
One time, A., when he saw a girl in a friend’s circle with a “slight cold cough” movement, he bought cold medicine overnight, asked for the girl’s address and sent it to the girl’s door. Since then, the girl has been too afraid of him, and Shibuya has taken Little A to the Black.
Little A thought it was going well, and she wanted to go out with the girls in the afternoon — and suddenly, when he got caught, he didn’t want to fight, he felt that his work and heart had been trampled, and his brother complained that the girl was a green tea hanging him.
Look around us. Isn’t that a common story?
Many small partners are taking the initiative in this area, with the illusion that:
♪ I’m in action ♪
It’s more important to learn to “watch” and “think” than to be blind.
It’s like what we’ve seen so often in our student years. Some of the classmates get up at 4 a.m. to study in the toilet and their grades are still in the middle and down, while the schoolboys are still at the top of the class with their regularity, their sleep, and their grades are still high — the difference is whether or not to learn.
In fact, little A’s self-momentation is a “dreaming” of lazyness, and it’s also a very “centre-of-self” expression.
Little A, there’s a script of love that you’ve painted: “You’ve done it in silence, you’ve done it carefully, you’ve been touched by the goddess, you’ve done it with two people.”
But I don’t know. That’s what girls do:
At the beginning: “This man has shown me a strange favour, and I’m upset, he’s with the company, and he doesn’t want to tear his face apart. And he never said he liked me, and I couldn’t say “we can’t” to myself.
After the flu, “God! It’s horrible that this man came to my house asking for my address. Don’t worry about it. Let’s get black.
However, Little A was completely intoxicated in his script throughout the operation — not to think about the real needs of girls, not to think about the real feelings of girls — until it turned out that the script was different from what it was supposed to be, and the illusions broke out and became angry.
Little A looks like he’s lazy.
The lack of understanding and respect for the effort is likely to be an inconvenience to the recipient, a moral kidnapping and a selfish demand.
It must be based on “know” and “respect” for each other.
I don’t know.
It’s like:
“There’s a cold. It’s called Mom’s feeling cold.”
“You gave me a carload of bananas you like, and you expect me to say thank you.”
The antidote: Why don’t we put the effort of time spent in vain on the observation and understanding of each other — by being friends with each other, to know what kind of person ta is, to know what ta likes to be treated, which is much more important than brainless.
Without respect, “I give, so I make sense” — to stand at the moral high ground, put each other in an awkward position, and have to accept your payment.
If we had this thought — “I paid, so I should see the reward.”
So this “pay” is essentially a “request” for the other — “pay” becomes a weapon of your “moral kidnapping” and “render” to you, regardless of the other’s will.
The antidote: courtesy is the instinct of human beings — if we give more than the comfort of each other ‘ s psychological distance, the other side will alienate you from the pressure of giving back.
Therefore, when we take the initiative, the pace of the relationship should develop comfortably and naturally, in accordance with the closeness of the relationship between the parties and with full respect for the will of the other side to accept it.
Irreversible: lack of framework — what others do to you, you allow it.
It is equally important to have our own framework, based on our ability to meet each other ‘ s needs.
Why do you need a framework?
Think we’ve been in this class since we were kids, and we’ve always had a classmate we’d like to follow for him, and a classmate we can joke about without taking his feelings into account?
As the old saying goes: “Smuggle and fear hardness, and the good of man is wronged, and the good of the horses is riding.”
Ask yourself, do we have a different pattern of behaviour with different people? — By testing the bottom line, one can understand where the other’s borders lie and adjust its behaviour in relations.
One person’s framework, simply — “I’m allowed to be treated.”
What are my principles? What’s the target? Where’s the bottom line? Our approach to one person often depends on what framework and boundaries that person shows.
And when you’re looking for someone, and you feel like you want each other, and you don’t want to meet each other — you lose your own framework, you get in the position of a spoiler, you get offered by the other, and it’s easy to turn into a class class class class where you can be played with.
Then what is it that makes you a framework person?
Before you like me, you have to like me enough.
Because, like, we can certainly focus on each other, and we can pay for each other.
But don’t think of each other as the highest priority in our lives — the highest priority in our lives, it should still be our business.
“The spirit of initiative without licking” requires us to understand that it’s not the other person who’s “sitting you high and giving you a score.”
It’s about you showing yourself — inviting each other to know you, drawing attention to you.
The best way to draw attention to each other is not to stare at each other ‘what they are doing’, but to make their own lives attractive and make themselves attractive.
And an attractive person is, first and foremost, a person who has a good relationship with himself — a stable state that does not easily disrupt the rhythm of his life because of others; can take care of his emotions, work, socialize; has a spiritual world in which he finds the energy to feed himself in his own life.
And while you like each other, don’t forget, “You need to like yourself more.”
A person who can handle his/her own relationship, a person who can live and enjoy his/her own life, makes the other person willing to understand and even join you.
“I can be nice to you, or I can be nice to you anytime.”
Yes, everyone wants to be seen.
So, it’s very important if you can actually help the other side when the other side really needs it, if you can actually help the other side, if you can do it well, if you can, if you can, or if you can, you can help and listen.
But please don’t do anything to satisfy each other.
And if you see each other’s big and small demands as an important opportunity, then it’s very likely that you’re free — as if you have nothing more important than him, and it’s easy to put you in the role of a tool.
So, you need to know what really matters to him, to provide value in important places — good steel needs to be used on blades; the rest of the time can be properly rejected according to your own arrangements — you value your time and energy enough to be valued by others.
Let’s see what’s not working.
Boring concerns: what’s a card-playing morning good night doing; reporting on movements or sending humorous text messages every day; reminding cold clothes and rain umbrellas and so on — very low-value and highly alternative.
Quite a lot of effort or money to meet one of the other’s “not so important” needs — “too hard” behavior that will make your purpose clear on paper and make the other feel – He must have had no better choice than to flatter himself.
Your concern needs to be focused and selective – to focus on what really matters to each other.
Focusing, but not all — providing value and responding with focus, makes your concerns scarce.
You see those warriors in the martial arts play who stood up and saved people at a critical time, making them admire them; but they won’t be able to talk all day.
So what’s the added concern? This actually varies from person to person. I will give some examples:
Emotional recognition and support. The emotional fluctuations of the other side were captured, a song was sent to the other side when the other side was in a low mood, so that the other side could feel the understanding and understanding of your lubricant in silence; to enter the other side ‘ s position when the other side wanted to spit, to agree with his emotions, to be with him, to be in the same camp as he was, so that he could develop a sense of affection for your own people.
Clean solutions. When the other side is experiencing real difficulties, if you are within your capabilities, then don’t talk and express support by acting: For example, when the other party ‘ s work is not working well, it gives a clear and operational solution, or it provides resources and information; for example, when the other party is physically ill and without help from others, it takes care of it.
Of course, if the other party only enjoys what you have given, and does not know anything about giving back, we also have to learn to refuse in a measured manner.
I’ll give you a common example.
For example, you can’t always read your message back, and when you ask for help, “What are you doing now?” Can you help me with the xx? I’m sorry.
You don’t have to do it right away, so you can say, “Well, no problem. I’m going to have a little late party with the Association friends.
This response sends the message:
“I care about you, but my life doesn’t revolve around you. I have my own priorities and a rich social circle.”
“I have the will and the ability to satisfy you, but I can take it back anytime.”
In short:
I can choose whether or not to satisfy the other.
I can choose to satisfy the other.
I can always take back my ability to satisfy him.
You can either come in, you can go out, you can go out, you can stay in the mood, you can’t turn “act” into “loan.”
This principle also applies in long-term relationships.
Ineffective payment (III): Working in the wrong direction – further away from destination
My good friend Gracie has shared a “rich theory” like “the giving in a relationship” is brilliant:
“A rich man doesn’t care how much he buys his friends to eat. A rich man wants a good bottle of wine, he doesn’t care who buys it, he just wants a good time. You’re a rich man, and your partner is the one you invited to drink with. I’m sorry.
In order to be proactive, free from licking, relaxed and attractive — we need to have a “splendour-sharing” like rich people:
“I’m rich and rich, and I can take out something to share with you, and it’s fun to share. If you’re done enjoying yourself, it won’t affect my wealth too much; if you want to stay, we’ll continue to enjoy sharing.”
But if we’re already “stuffed” and “overdrafting” our little wealth in order to please each other — we’re bound to feel like we can’t afford to lose and suffer — the more we’re overstretched with the “sinking costs” — we’re turning into a dog-licking attitude that we all hate.
The bottom line of the rich attitude comes from our own “rich and rich”.
Actually, each of us may be rich in some ways, beggars in some ways.
And if the important demand of the other side is exactly our long board — we have the base of the rich.
On the other hand, if the other side’s vital need is a short plate that we can hardly fix… We need to overstretched our savings in order to give each other such a little benefit.
The following common “declares of the tragedy of love” have been created: “Standing melons are not sweet” and “Love is useless by trying.”
And all of this actually points to one problem — that core needs don’t fit.
A simple example:
If you’re a very talented man, but you’re in the middle, how do you pack it up? There’s a ceiling.
If you like people who don’t have a sense of talent, but are a serious “face control”, then I can only see your poor face, but I can’t appreciate your wealth.
In such relationships:
You’re using your own poor side to force each other — you’re getting over yourself — and you’re getting the feeling that you’re a “poor person” who doesn’t get to the top of each other — and you end up being a “loan.”
I don’t know, if you’re looking at someone who appreciates talent, it’s easy to feel the laxity and confidence that the rich share.
So, the reason why we don’t give is also fatal — the wrong object.
We have to be sifted in the process — we need to be able to share the rich side of ourselves, not the one that’s already stretched.
III. Learning to “problem” each other
While meeting each other’s needs, we also have to learn to “problem” each other properly and lead each other in the construction of this relationship.
To lead each other into a “co-founder” with expectations.
Relationship is a system.
In a relationship between two people, if one side plays a role for a long time, the other side plays a corresponding role — a stable relationship system.
Like in some of our common families: a husband who throws hands at the table, usually has a wife with a big bag; a son who has no vision, usually has a strong control mother.
Similarly, if we were to be the hot “payers” and “builders” in a obscurantist relationship, then the role of each other in that relationship would automatically become a “enjoyer” and “watcher.”
For the other side, although we enjoyed some good– But the fact that we’re not co-founders of your relationship, and that we don’t have a sense of “participation” or “attribution” means that we don’t care about the end of the relationship.
It’s like we’re working for a company, we’re working for a paycheck, the boss’s not touching the fish — as a screwdriver, we get paid; if the company doesn’t pay, I jump.
But if you’re a founding partner in the company, and you’re involved in the growth of the company from 0 to 1, knowing that your decision-making will affect the direction of the company — you’re going to have a “owner” mentality that is particularly important to the future and survival of the company.
Similarly, in the context of obscurantism, we must, in due course, lead each other to participate, to become “co-founders” and “partners” in your relationship, to develop a sense of belonging and ownership of the relationship.
Let me give you one simple example.
For example, you can make a small request to a confused girl: “My mother’s birthday is next week to buy her a set of jewelry, and I see you have a special aesthetic, special taste, and can you recommend it? I’m sorry.
On the one hand, your approval of each other’s aesthetics is expressed.
On the other hand, the positive feedback from mom can naturally start the topic for the next interaction — a happy birthday for mom became an experience you two have created together.
This is a small example of what leads each other to become a participant in this relationship and a co-founder of the experiences of both sides.
On the other hand, we all seek “cognitive and behavioural consistency”.
And let each other do something for you, and make some effort — the brain gives the hint to ta “like you,” and ta might really like you more and more.
The proper trouble is giving value.
There’s a little girl, C, who’s a good-looking job, but it’s always easy to stay in the obscurity phase.
Many of the boys who first met him lost interest in their subsequent relationship. The feedback she received was that boys thought she was too close.
Little C, it’s very confusing: where am I not so close? Every time I went out with them, I was gentle and polite. I eat with each other every time, aa, not many independent girls like me?
After talking to her, I found a general problem.
Some of the small partners are very much “independent” in their interpersonal relationships, afraid to trouble others, rarely to ask for help, and unwilling to show others that they need each other.
But it’s like saying: relationships are troublesome.
The need and need to build people-to-people connections — if we always refuse to “problem” others, it’s to cut the emotional bond between people.
The “independence” and “boundary perception” of small C in obscurant relationships seem to be demarginalizing and making the other side feel completely unimportant — the result is pushing people away.
At the same time, psychological studies indicate that if we were to be with someone, we would have liked him more.
For most people, being appreciated and needed by another person, being found and recognized by another person on behalf of some of his or her qualities or abilities, and being recognized for his or her value and importance — positive feedback from people around us will help us to increase our self-esteem and generate positive self-evaluation.
So, even if you haven’t established a relationship, and you’re right about me, I’m glad you’ve done these things for me. This is a way of giving value to the other party (without distinction as to sex).
For example:
(a) To remain curious about the areas where the other party is good at, to listen to the story of the other party and to give positive feedback;
(b) Occasionally seek some small help from the other party to do something for the other party;
When the other person did something for you, we were happy to accept what we gave, and we were happy and grateful.
Every now and then gives each other some chance to show up and not sting your compliment.
And to do this, you can have a positive self-evaluation when you’re with the other person, and you’ll become more and more fond of yourself.
IV. Granting autonomy to each other
If the atmosphere of obscurity becomes better, some of the small partners may be in a hurry to establish a relationship with the other party so that the other party does not run away. And in fact, a lot of relationships are blowing up precisely because we are too fast at this point.
Actually, there’s no rush to establish a relationship. At all times, the substance of the relationship is more important than its name.
Relationships are regular, they have their own progress bars: attraction, intimacy, trust, etc., which actually measure the intimacy of relationships changes slowly over time and over time. This change will not stop or climb because of the false name of a “love”.
You don’t think it’s natural to have a false name for a boyfriend or girlfriend? If it’s a name, it’s enough to keep our relationship safe. Where’s the love breakup, the marriage divorce?
In fact, the more the relationship ends, the more we need to give each other autonomy.
Autonomy means — every decision we make is out of our free will, not under outside pressure or coercion.
Ownership is the driving force behind one thing. With autonomy, we will willingly do one thing.
So at the attraction stage, we need to make each other feel — I chose this relationship on my own free will, not someone who forced me in.”
I’ve seen so many little partners, especially some girls — they’re very objective, they’re very emotional, but they don’t get into long-term relationships.
The problem is that there is too much control of the relationship.
Relationships have not yet been established, but they have begun to exercise their rights to their clients and even to their parents — for example, to comment on what kind of friends they’re making, to tell them about some of the life habits you don’t like, and to express their feelings about their failure to return their information in time.
A red light will come out of his heart: “Doesn’t a relationship have been established that has invaded my life and that does not mean putting yourself in jail?”
If the other side is interested in developing a long-term relationship, then I will examine you in the context of my relationship:
Does this man allow me to pursue my preferred lifestyle?
Will this man squeeze my space and interfere in my social circle?
Ta, do you respect the rhythm of my relationship?
Ta, can you give me security and trust? Can I be honest with you?
And except for love, everyone has their own precious career, the circle of friends, the hobbies, the way of life — which existed in each other’s lives before you met.
If you start asking the other side to give up something important in your life to satisfy you by relying on the other side, which may also like yourself, then the other side may turn its back on the long-term relationship with development.
In fact, the more we show that we accept each other’s original way of life, understand each other’s quest, and make each other feel free and comfortable — the more they want to have a long-term relationship with you.
It is therefore important to secure their own borders in obscurantism.
There are a few areas that we need most attention to share:
1. Do not easily evaluate his parents and friends, even if you do not like them.
The parents and friends of each other (friends/brothers) showed up and stayed with us years before you.
The other side is much more connected to their emotions than you, and these people are part of their own identity.
If we show dissatisfaction with his family and friends, in the eyes of each other — that’s dissatisfaction with him.
2. Do not ask each other to be held accountable for your insecurity.
Many small partners and loved ones have been in contact several times, and have had many immediate expectations of each other.
If, at this stage, you had placed the other side in the position of the object, you would have become very demanding of his behaviour, and the real state of your relationship is not equal.
So the following is the wrong logical chain:
Looking at the other side as an object — subconsciously excluding the other options — mentally causing loss and anxiety — and putting pressure on the other side.
Your relationship is just a friend, before the two parties are able to establish a relationship before they pass the screening.
Please stay awake.
3. To encourage each other to do what he wants to do.
If this can be done, it would be a very high sub-item. Everyone has a way of life that they want — when they think you’re not just a drag on us, but a push on us, they’re more willing to put you in the long-term planning for the future.
4. The Institute listens without evaluation.
Let each other feel that they can share everything with you without fear of being blamed or mocked.
Congratulation is a sign of intimacy, if the other side is willing to open itself to you at some point, to reveal some internal fragility or darkness.
All we have to do at this time is listen and understand, and don’t make any assessments or self-righteous suggestions — It’s also a good opportunity for you to really get into and understand ta.
And it doesn’t abuse that attraction while it attracts the other, so that the other can feel free and comfortable in a relationship — it’s the key to a person’s decision to move from a short date to a long-term relationship. Document number: YXA1eB266w3H3A8geYxcJJx
I don’t know.
Keep your eyes on the road.
