The man
I love is an unmarried man. He hates being tied down.
I was ready to play with him all my life without getting married, but I didn’t expect that one
day he pulled a quiet and beautiful girl and told me that he was going ashore. I can’t
count how many times this is. The first time was Qin Lang’s 23rd birthday that year. I was
sober. Qin Lang seemed to be very drunk. That time. Not a good experience.
Qin Lang always likes to hold me to sleep after the event, the kind of tight.
But today, Qin Lang sat up and leaned against the head of the bed and lit a cigarette.
I reached for the cigarette in Qin Lang’s hand.
“Don’t smoke in my bedroom.”
I say.
Qin Lang’s temper is actually not small, but it seems that he has not been in front of me. He must be angry if
someone takes his cigarette like this.
But in front of me, he always let me. Many people say that although we have not established a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship, Qin Lang is an
unmarried person, but I may be the only one who can really enter his heart. I never dared to delve into
this, for fear that it would come to nothing in the end.
I went down naked, ready to put out the cigarette and throw it into the trash can.
“In brief.”
Qin Lang seldom calls my full name in such a heavy tone. I
stopped where I was, with a cigarette burning in my hand.
“What’s the matter?”
His eyes were dark and heavy in the dim light.
“Today is the last time. Let’s not make any more appointments.”
My heart missed a beat.
But he kept a smile on his face.
“Why didn’t I serve you well just now?”
“No.”
Qin Lang cut a few strands of broken hair that were wet with sweat in front of him.
“I’m going to get married.” It was like a sucker punch hitting me on the back of the head. My hand shook and the cigarette butt fell on my foot
. There was a pain like a needle prick.
“How old are you? How can you burn yourself with a cigarette?”
Qin Lang’s face is not very good.
He came over and picked me up and put me on the bed, and turned to look for the scald
cream in my drawer.
Looking at Qin Lang’s familiar shuttle in my room, I even felt that what he said just now was like
a dream.
“Master Chin, have you turned back to shore?”
Qin Lang bent over to rub the ointment on me, moving very carefully, but it was still painful.
“Aren’t you an unmarried person?”
He just rubbed the ointment on me and didn’t reply.
Do you love her? Qin Lang?
Qin Lang rubbed the medicine for me and just raised his head. He knelt on one knee on the floor. This posture
was like my dream of proposing marriage.
“Love.”
From the string that had been tight just now, it exploded in my mind with a bang, and for a short time
, my mind was blank. “What a surprise.”
I looked for my voice.
“Childe Chin sometimes said the word” love. ”
With Qin Lang around these years, I have long practiced the ability to turn over the sea in my heart, but on the
surface is light.
Qin Lang packed up his things without saying a word.
I looked at the ointment on the foot, I do not know whether the heart is too painful, or the ointment works well,
but there is no feeling.
I suddenly felt so sad that I pulled him by the neck and leaned close to Qin Lang. “I love you, too,” I said
with a smile. “Why don’t you get along with her? If you want to get married, I’ll marry you.
How about that?”
Qin Lang looked at me for half a minute without a sound. When he spoke
again, Qin Lang’s eyes and eyebrows were cold. What
are you thinking? In brief. After
a long silence, he spoke again.
“We’ve been sleeping together for three years, and we’ve known each other for ten. If I wanted to marry you, I would have done it already.”
Look, it’s one thing to know, but it’s another thing for someone to say it and verify it. It was like a loud slap in my face. The strength of
my hand suddenly loosened involuntarily.
“I’m just messing with you.”
I smiled and smoothed my hair.
“There are a lot of men in the world. If Mr. Chin wants to go ashore, he will. I’m willing to drown in the
water. There are plenty of people who want to go ashore.”
His chin was suddenly pulled over by Qin Lang’s slender fingers, and he squinted his long and narrow eyes and looked up
at me.
“You’re quite straightforward.”
Qin Lang said to kiss my lips.
I actually have some lust for Qin Lang, who is still by my side for such a short time.
“Are you asleep?”
I stopped short and asked him.
Qin Lang did not seem to love me to ask such a question, and the fire in his eyes gradually went out.
But he answered me anyway.
“No, we’re not married. I won’t touch her.” Look, sober as Qin Lang, carrying more clearly than anyone else. What
I am and what she is are clear and distinct in his mind.
Qin Lang does not belong to me, and Qin Lang’s love does not belong to me. For the first time in
three years, Qin Lang did not stay overnight after he came.
I don’t know whether it was the sound of the door or the thunder, but the sound was so amplified in my eardrum that my nerves
trembled. It’s not raining
outside yet, but my eyes are pouring.
I was like a puppet who had lost the string. I didn’t know what to do.
I was caught off guard by the departure of Qin Lang.
Lin Ting’s birthday was three days after Qin Lang and I broke up.
They were all in the same circle and had been playing together since high school. When Lin Tingfang came back from abroad,
everyone came to welcome him and celebrate his birthday.
I knew Qin Lang would come.
I miss him so much that I can’t help thinking.
Even if we can see each other, I think it’s like drinking poison to quench thirst. I haven’t seen Lin Ting for a long time. It seems that he is no longer the young boy he was three years ago. He is more
calm.
“Long time no see, Lin Ting.”
Lin Ting turned around and slowly put down the champagne in his hand, his eyes like ink.
“Long time no see. How have you been?”
Lin Ting is Qin Lang’s little nephew, the difference in seniority, in the final analysis, the age difference is only one year. At that
time, I was around Qin Lang every day, and he was always
with us every day.
Lin Ting is also two months younger than me.
But he never called me anything else, just words and words, Qin Lang also disliked him because of the
poor seniority.
“Very happy.”
I handed him a new glass of champagne.
“The foreign ink has made you handsome.”
I have a very good relationship with Lin Ting.
Lin Ting smiled and was about to open his mouth when he was covered by the sudden noise in the box.
“Damn it, Qin Lang, Qin Lang is here.” “Childe Qin..”
“Who is this, Chin Lang?”
“Damn, that’s really good. Qin Lang, have you brought someone?”
I suddenly stopped the movement of my hand. Look
towards the door.
Qin Lang and his men stood there with their fingers interlocked.
I still feel that his eyebrows and eyes are soul-stirring, if not for someone
next to him, I still feel that a few nights ago was just a dream, at night I will feel
Qin Lang’s heartbeat, temperature.
But
it was a girl with fair skin and vivid eyebrows. The temperament on the body is very gentle and clean
. When
Qin Lang’s eyes came over, I hurriedly closed my eyes and poured a big
mouthful of champagne like a clown.
It’s really harsh. I’m not talking about the light.
“Let me introduce you to my fiancee, Tan Se.”
My heart suddenly fell apart. Qin Lang and the people he brought were sitting opposite me and Lin Ting.
Most people are heckling.
Many people praised Qin Lang’s fiancee for her beauty, gentleness and tranquility.
These words have nothing to do with me. Listening to them, they are more like naked sarcasm.
I try to tell myself that it’s nothing and pretend to be relaxed.
“Congratulations, Chin Lang, the object is beautiful enough.”
I took the lead in raising my glass to Qin Lang under the watchful eyes of several friends.
Qin Lang stared into my eyes for a moment.
He raised his glass.
“Thank you.”
“In brief, our friend is two years older than you.”
He turned his head sideways and said to the people around him.
“Sister Chien Yan.”
Tan Se smiled sweetly.
“I’ve often heard Alang talk about you, and I thought I’d have a chance to meet you and ask you to be my
bridesmaid. I don’t have many friends in Lincheng, so I had to poach people
from Alang’s side.” I tried my best to hold the cup tightly so as not to lose my temper in front of so many people.
I looked at Qin Lang and felt a sharp pain in my heart, but my face was still very decent.
Do you really want me to go? Mr. Chin?
I pretended to be funny.
“If I go there again, I’ll have been there three times. I’ll have to get married.”
Qin Lang didn’t speak.
“Alang ~”
Tan Se shook his arm and softened his voice.
Qin Lang smiled and turned to look at me.
“So many years of friends, do me a favor, in a nutshell.”
My foot shakes, I do not know is the high-heeled shoes step on empty or what, Lin Ting holds me
to be able to stabilize the figure.
Enduring the tumult in my heart, I smiled on my face.
“You see, when the eldest son of Qin begged me, I was frightened.”
Except for my two sisters who knew, everyone else was laughing.
“Yes.” I looked straight into Qin Lang’s eyes.
“If you open your mouth, I will go.” How can
I refuse you, Qin Lang, I love you so much, as long as you give it, whether
it is a knife or honey, I will accept it all. After three rounds of
drinking, everyone was happy. Tan Se was not only harmless to people and animals, but
also mellow and watertight when he spoke. He mingled with everyone before he got off the table.
Someone suggested playing Truth or Dare, and everyone was more lively, so they played it. The
first one was drawn by Tan Se.
Tan Se was a little surprised and plunged into Qin Lang’s arms.
“Alang, I really should have bought a lottery ticket today.”
Qin Lang touched her head gently, smiling in his eyes.
“Don’t embarrass my wife.”
My heart is like a needle prick, watching Qin Lang protect her in his arms.
Tansel chose the truth.
Rustling, you and Qin Lang.. Has that been done?
A friend was the first to ask.
“Oops..”
Tan Se went straight into Qin Lang’s arms, urging him to ask, only me, holding my hands tightly.
Heart. How
to describe this feeling? I want to hear it, but I’m afraid to hear it.
“Don’t be shameless.”
Qin Lang teased and threw a wine bottle in the past.
“Is there or isn’t there?” People
around are still heckling.
“Se Se is not such a casual person.”
Qin Lang made the final decision. The
champagne suddenly slipped out of his hand, and the crisp cracking sound attracted a lot of attention. One
of them, his eyes were like torches, and I knew it was Qin Lang.
“Look, I’m so excited about the gossip that I can’t hold my cup.”
I lowered my head to pick up the broken glass, and Lin Ting reached out to stop it, but it was always too late. Looking at the blood beads coming out one after another and feeling the pain from my fingertips, I had some inexplicable
sense of relief.
“You play first, and I’ll take Yan Yan to bandage it.”
Lin Ting pulled me out.
I was a little confused by Lin Ting’s sudden nervousness, and I could only feel that he was holding my hand
and burning.
“Yo, look how nervous Lin Ting is.” All of a sudden
, almost everyone in the room looked over.
“Lin Ting, just break some skin. Don’t make a fuss.” Embarrassed,
I pulled him back.
“It’s all bleeding. Come with me to bandage it.”
Lin Ting’s strength was very strong. I struggled, but the struggle was ineffective and I was dragged away.
Passing by Qin Lang, I saw Qin Lang just looking over, I do not know why, some cold eyes
. When I looked
again, I only saw him reaching out to stroke Tanser’s hair.
Maybe it’s the alcohol? I want. Lin Ting dragged me out and went straight to the front desk. He took the medical kit and treated
my wound without saying a word.
“Oh, you don’t have to make a fuss. It’s just a little blood.” Have
you been happy these three years? Yan Yan?
Lin Ting stopped the movement of his hand and suddenly looked up at me.
I didn’t know how to answer, so I had to smile. What’s wrong with
eating and drinking well? It’s you. It’s not popular to eat lettuce in foreign countries.
How can you be eaten ripe?
“You can’t fool me, Yan Yan.”
Lin Ting’s short words made me breathe suddenly.
Yes, I used to beg Lin Ting a lot to find out the news of Qin Lang from him.
In terms of these people, Lin Ting knows best that I love Qin Lang.
“You can’t hide it from anyone, Yanyan.”
Lin Ting’s slender hand collected the medicine box.
“Let’s go back.” I felt a little ashamed of
being exposed. “I know you’re upset. We’ve been playing for so many years. You don’t have to pretend
to be strong in front of me. When my uncle fell in love, you hugged me and cried for days. Have you forgotten?”
Lin Ting buckled my head, and the meaning of such a gesture of comfort and pity was too
blatant.
My nose is a little sour in an instant.
“Go ahead and cry. It’ll make you feel better.”
Lin Ting’s warm big hand patted me on the back, those sour, sad
, painful things that I desperately pressed down. Come out in full force.
I let the tears flow a little more fiercely.
About a few minutes later, my mood gradually calmed down, when suddenly I heard a
familiar voice.
“Alang, they are here.” As
a conditioned reflex, I suddenly raised my head and looked at Qin Lang, as if I had done something guilty
.
Qin Lang just looked at me lightly and snorted coldly.
“Hurry back when you’re done. Everyone is waiting.”
I quickly sat up straight and pulled away from Lin Ting, but Qin Lang’s
hand on Tan Se’s waist hurt my eyes deeply. “Oh, Ah Lang, let the two of you stay a little longer.” “I’m sorry to bother you, Yanyan,” said
Tan Sejiao with a smile. Is
this a misunderstanding between Lin Ting and me? Also, most people say that they will misunderstand, but in
fact, I am too familiar with Lin Ting, he is like my brother.
Qin Lang’s complexion is still not very good, glanced at me and hugged Tan Se away. When
I went back to the box with Lin Ting, Lin Ting’s brother coaxed me. That was the best one to play with Lin Ting
.
“Oh, Ah Ting and Chien Yan are back. Just in time to tell them to take a big risk and kiss each other.”
I was stunned.
I stared at Lin Ting.
“Leave them alone and make a fuss.”
Lin Ting said a lot to suppress it.
The game continued. Unexpectedly, the next round turned to me. Now
the fryer is even worse.
“Kiss one, kiss one.”
“Give me a kiss.” I was at a loss, but subconsciously I still wanted to see Qin Lang’s reaction.
Qin Lang, will he react?
He didn’t.
He was whispering something to Tancer, and they were so happy and whispering that they seemed to be unable to hear
what was happening around them.
I staggered my eyes and moved my eyes to Lin Ting, who was also looking at me. The noise
around me was getting louder and louder, and the next moment Lin Ting and I seemed to be turning around at the same
time.
I don’t know who pushed us behind our backs, and Lin Ting and I touched each other’s lips without
warning. The
box suddenly boiled up.
I didn’t feel anything, but I saw Lin Ting’s ears turn red. What
a child, I think.
“Alang, you’re hurting me.” The sound of
Tan Se’s charming laughter should have been drowned in the hubbub of voices, but somehow it came into my cochlea clearly
.
I suddenly felt that the party was boring and left after sitting for a while. Lin Ting was
the host and it was not easy to follow him out. I received his message as soon as I went out. “I’m sorry, Yanyan, but my friend doesn’t know what’s important.”
“It’s all right.”
I quickly edited back a few words.
“Which one of us is with whom?”
Walking to the corner of the stairs, a big hand suddenly pulled me over.
My heart mentioned the top, fixed eyes on a look to find that this person is Qin Lang. Before I
spoke, I pulled my hand out of Qin Lang’s hand and remembered his
entanglement with Tan Se.
Qin Lang seems to be not satisfied with my movements.
“How many times have I slept, but I haven’t seen you upset? How come when I find the next spring, I can’t
wait to get rid of the relationship?”
[rustle is not a casual girl.] The words Qin Lang used to describe rustling suddenly came to
my mind.
Yes, she is not a casual girl, she is pure and pure.
And me, it doesn’t matter how many times I sleep.
My heart was like a knife, and my eyes were red. I said in a trembling voice, “Qin Lang, what do you think I am all these
years?” Qin Lang seems to be a little disdainful, loose my hand, lips are a little bit of a
sarcastic smile.
“You don’t know what you look like?”
“Lin Ting is back. The next spring is just right. I’m very happy to see you.”
“Pow!” Qin Lang’s hand is still shaking after
I hit him.
Qin Lang did not seem to think, turned his head, he stared at me, that look is
almost to burn me.
But I was more angry than Qin Lang, so angry that I almost suffocated.
“You have no heart, Chin Lang.” I almost pulled these
words out of my chest, and the blood was dripping.
Qin Lang kept the posture of being beaten by me and looked at me sideways, smiling
for a moment. What kind of virtue are
you? We’re two of a kind. Don’t flatter yourself.
In short, I just came to tell you not to put your hand on Lin Ting. If you don’t feel embarrassed when a friend with benefits comes into the house
, I feel uncomfortable.
It was as if a hand had taken my heart out, and the pain was beyond measure.
“That’s all. Get out of here.” Qin Lang’s words are too hurtful.
His gentleness and cruelty are so relentless.
And I never had a chance to fight back in front of him.
I stepped on the high-heeled shoes to walk around Qin Lang in a hurry, and when I reached the next staircase
, I suddenly stopped.
I looked back at the man I loved deeply and said earnestly, “I wish you and your innocent
old age, Qin Lang. The only thing I ask is that you don’t think of
me at any time.”
I couldn’t see what Qin Lang’s expression was, but I heard his misty and cool voice floating into my ears with
the movement of the lighter.
“You think too highly of yourself, in short.” I haven’t seen Qin Lang since
that day.
I think we have torn our faces, and we are probably completely finished.
Until one afternoon I suddenly received a message from Qin Lang.
I still have a key in my house. Come downstairs to the coffee shop and get it.
My heart was beating wildly, and subconsciously I replied directly with a good word. After looking back at the mobile phone page, I felt ridiculous to the extreme, I felt
happy for the first moment, because I could see him.
But I didn’t expect to see Tan Se in the coffee shop.
My heart missed a beat.
“Here’s your key.”
Tanner broke the silence.
I was at a loss and didn’t know what to say.
“I know about your relationship with Chin Lang. I heard
what you said in the stairwell that day.” After taking a
deep breath, I looked up at Tanser.
“We have broken off. You don’t have to worry.”
“I know.”
Tan Se’s whole person is not as delicate as that day.
“This key was given to me by Alang. He told me to return it to you instead of looking for you himself.
That explains everything. I just hope you don’t have any more delusions. In short.”
I clenched the key in the palm of my hand, which was painful, but not as painful as half a minute after all.
Qin Lang personally put me in such a situation. He was shameless and pestering me endlessly, while Tan Se came to warn me
from a commanding position not to be delusional. I
felt like a lump in my throat, and I couldn’t say a word for a long time.
Tanner took a slow sip of his coffee and laughed.
“a man knows very well from the beginning to the end that a woman who plays outside and a woman who wants to marry home are
two different things. Even if you keep pestering him, there is no point.”
“She’s not pestering me. You might as well go back
and take good care of Qin Lang instead of trying to say whether you have something or not.” As
soon as I looked up, I found Lin Ting standing at our table.
“Lin Ting, why are you..” Before
I could finish, Lin Ting took my hand.
“Take care of your own people. Don’t let me know that you’re coming to trouble her again. Otherwise
, even if Qin Lang falls in love with you, I have a thousand ways to keep you out of the door
of the Qin family.”
Tan Se’s face was not good, and he immediately threw the cup on the table.
Lin Ting left her alone and took my hand out of the coffee shop.
“What are you doing here?”
Lin Ting seemed to be more angry than me and just walked forward. I stopped and pulled him back.
“You don’t have to be so angry.”
I squeezed out a smile.
“I’m fine.”
Lin Ting hesitated to speak.
I’m really fine, I’m fine, really, I just.. I just.. I
“Yan Yan..”
Lin Ting wiped my tears in a panic.
I tried to control it, but I felt that I couldn’t stop it. It was like a runaway wild
horse, a broken bead, like my love
for Qin Lang.
I clung to the clothes over my heart. Between the bed, Qin Lang said when he was
full of ups and downs: “In brief, accompany
me, accompany me like this.”.
At that time, my heart also went up and down. The beginning of Qin Lang and
I was unbearable. Three years ago, Qin Lang made a girlfriend. Qin Lang and I made a scene. At that time, although
I loved Qin Lang, I still had the courage to break up.
Originally, Lin Ting and I were going to study abroad together, but the night before, Qin Lang was drunk
and dragged me to bed. I cried and I played, and I said, “Qin Lang, you already have a girlfriend
.”.
Qin Lang made a phone call to break up unilaterally. I’ve never seen him
like that before, and he seems to be burning his boats.
I cried and I played, but Qin Lang still succeeded.
I think my biggest mistake was to help him. Let him start the three years of chaos.
That night was the first time Qin Lang asked me to stay with him.
The next morning, I sat on the bed in the hotel, all in a mess, and Qin Lang rustled his clothes.
.
His girlfriend, who broke up with him, broke in crying and asked why Qin Lang broke up with her.
She pointed to me, naked but covered with hickeys, and asked Qin Lang if he loved me.
I will always remember. A
moment ago, I clearly had the determination to grow old with Qin Lang.
The next moment, Qin Lang’s “no love” turned my determination into a
complete joke. What did Qin Lang say?
I don’t love you, and I don’t love her.
Qin Lang walked in a natural and unrestrained way, only the girl who was also abandoned cried and asked me, “Do you have a
sense of shame?”?
I gave myself a backhand slap.
But the three words “I’m sorry” stuck in my throat.
I hate myself, hate that I can’t refuse Qin Lang, hate that I regard the word accompany
me in his mouth as the golden rule, and hate that even so, I still can’t get a
word of love from Qin Lang.
So I will never mention love in front of Qin Lang again.
Qin Lang is cynical, I am cynical, Qin Lang is bohemian, I regard everything
as a passing cloud.
As long as I become more cold-hearted than Qin Lang, is Qin Lang afraid?
But today, the story repeats itself, and someone told me not to pester Qin Lang.
I am wronged to death.
Qin Lang belongs to her, belongs to her, belongs to countless of her, but does not belong to me.
You see, in another three years, Qin Lang and I will be strangers after all. I just froze my heart. It seems too cold in
autumn.
I cried outside for a long time. Lin Ting sent me home. I fell asleep in a daze, feeling
hot and cold. In my dream, I skipped the years of entanglement
with Qin Lang.
At a certain moment, those lingering and tired, those voices and smiles, all turned into a
sharp knife with barbs, which pierced my chest mercilessly, broke through my ribs,
penetrated my heart deeply, and I was suffocated with pain. Suddenly I opened my eyes and sat up, covered with
sweat. There was a familiar smell
beside me, and I turned my head.
Qin Lang, hidden in the moonlight, sat quietly beside my bed, exhaling one smoke ring after another.
I don’t know how he got in.
In the moonlight, I saw Qin Lang’s face hung with color.
“Wake up?”
Qin Lang’s voice was soaked in nicotine and a little hoarse.
I didn’t say anything, just looked at him quietly.
“Lin Ting took a taxi.” He smiled thoughtfully and said to himself.
“This kid has grown up. Three years ago, he could only run away to the United States, but now
he dares to fight with me.”
I still didn’t answer Qin Lang.
“You just called my name in your dream and told me to let you go.” With a smile on his lips,
Qin Lang annihilated the spark of cigarette butts between his fingers.
“Lin Ting also said that I bullied you. He liked you so much that he was distressed.”
The man still laughs.
“You know, he liked you three years ago. If he hadn’t seen us rolling into bed together
, he wouldn’t have fled to America overnight. Now that he’s back, he can support you
.” The quilt on
my chest had been wet by the tears dripping down, so I looked at
Qin Lang until the line of sight was gradually blurred by tears, until I could not help but sob in a hurry, choking
my chest. Instead, the man next to
me smiled and reached out to brush the tears from my face. The warmth on
his hands was as gentle as the tone of his voice, but I couldn’t feel any
warmth. “Look, you’re crying like this, and you think I’m bullying you, don’t you?”
I looked up and saw that he was close at hand, his eyebrows and eyes were soul-stirring, his jaw was angular,
but. It’s too cold. “But it was you who wanted to love me, in short.” The tone of
Qin Lang’s voice suddenly changed, and the gentleness disappeared. My dream came true. He inserted the sharp blade
into my chest.
I finally burst into tears.
I clung to his messy collar and made the last struggle before dying. Why are
you doing this to me? Qin Lang?
I only love you, am I guilty? Why are you? Why are you doing this
to me?
“Just because you love me.”
Qin Lang smiled lightly.
“You shouldn’t love me. In short, you shouldn’t provoke me again and again. For people like me
, love is nothing to me, do you know?”
For as long as I can remember, my father brought different people home every day, and my mother went out to
play and didn’t come home until dawn. You should never, never, never come to love me, in short.
“Don’t say I won’t let you go. You should have left me after that night three years ago. It was you
who had to stay with me, in short.”
I was already sobbing, but he kept gently wiping my tears.
“You love me too much, but I have everything except love. If you ask me for love, you might as well kill me. My father and mother also say they love me, and everyone they bring back uses love as an excuse. But love is nothing but a thing in name, isn’t it?”.
I couldn’t hold his clothes any tighter. I couldn’t breathe smoothly, but my hands were exhausted. Qin Lang began to break my fingers one by one. My urgent voice and intense breathing were mixed with hysterical and rough voice.
But I love you, but I.. Love you, I.. Love you.. I love you.. Love is not nothing.. Not..
I was incoherent, but Qin Lang’s face was expressionless, and the movements on his hands did not leave any room.
“I admit I’m attracted to you, but I could never love you. In short, you’re just dreaming that I do.”
I tore hard, flummoxed, and Qin Lang calmly shook off my hand.
In the end, my hand was forced to break away from Qin Lang’s skirt.
Just as he took my heart out, the rapid emptiness hit me, and every nerve of me was burning.
Qin Lang is gone.
I fell down from the bed, got up again and ran barefoot to chase Qin Lang. The sand stung the soles of my feet, while Qin Lang strode forward smartly on his expensive leather shoes.
I love you, I love you, Qin Lang. I love you.. I love you.. Qin Lang, I love you. I love you..
Qin Lang.. I love you..
In the middle of the night, the chill is everywhere, I am not tired, I want to hurry up, faster, to be able to
catch him, hold him tightly, even if nothing, the end of the world, I also want
him to sink with me. After
a hundred meters, only one step, one minute, I will catch Qin Lang.
But I fell down suddenly.
I watched him go further and further, without the slightest pause.
As if drained of the last strength, I suddenly feel weak, sobbing, but still
do not know the limit of the vocal cords, sobbing the word love, refused to stop,
like the last cry for this relationship.
A few steps away, Qin Lang suddenly stopped.
He did not look back, only the moonlight highlighted his side face more cool and thin, and his
voice invaded my warm eardrums with the biting chill of the October night.
“In short, for me, the world is muddy. Love and sin are the same. So
don’t waste your energy. I don’t want to sin. I don’t want to go to hell.”
I suddenly seemed to lose all other sensory perception, only to see the
fading figure in front of me gradually blurred.
He moved on, trampling over the corpse of my feelings, without hesitation or mercy. And that finally converged into a point, a point as small as it could be, and then I
fell into boundless darkness.
We are hysterical and hoarse for love, and in the end, we all turn into ugly
and discomfited ghosts.
Later, I can’t remember what happened to me that day. When I woke up
again, it was Lin Ting who stayed by my bedside.
The sun shines through the cracks in the curtains, and I feel that the whole world is silent.
Only the pain in the palms and soles of the feet reminds me that this is not hell, but the world.
Just three days is like a long separation in the world, I think of Qin Lang again, think of him saying that the world is
muddy, love and sin but reach the same goal by different routes, I do not know how to feel funny, laugh out loud
.
Lin Ting woke up.
“Yan Yan..”
His voice was hoarse and tired, but I had no extra effort to love him.
“When will Chin Lang get married?”
I asked him with a smile. Lin Ting stayed where he was and looked at me motionless.
I continued to laugh, although my lips were pulling my heart, but I couldn’t help it.
“When?”
“One month later.”
A month later, in the cold winter, I had just had a minor operation, and my body was still weak
, but I still put on a very delicate makeup and went to the funeral of love, oh no,
the wedding. You
can’t lose face to Qin Lang, I think.
I don’t know whether he is in high spirits or he is about to leave me, but I think Qin Lang
is indescribably handsome today.
I tried to engrave his eyebrows and eyes in my mind, but in vain.
I came to Qin Lang with a smile and champagne as usual.
This reminds me of the first time I knew Qin Lang, it was also such an occasion. At my birthday
party, my friend dragged him over. Qin Lang raised his glass and said, Hello, Jane, Happy Birthday.
Who knows if he would like to come to my birthday party at that time?
Now that the protagonist has changed, I have become a toaster.
“Hello, Chin Lang. Happy wedding.” I say.
Qin Lang smiled frankly.
Like we haven’t been entangled day and night, like we haven’t tried our best to separate,
like we just stayed at the birthday party when we first met me.
He clinked glasses with me without saying a word. When I heard his voice
again, it was “I do.”.
I would like to, Qin Lang.
I thought silently in my heart.
I have been nameless, when you are sick, when you are lost, whenever you need me, I
will be with you, unshakable, willing, even happy.
I am willing.
Because I love you, Qin Lang.
The bell rang and the applause in the hall was thunderous.
The romance ended without any illness and was buried in the laughter of the guests in the hall.
But Qin Lang, I still want to say that I have never said. Although
the world is chaotic, only love is the salvation of sin.
I fall in love with a person, I owe a person, but there is no chance to make up.
Qin Lang
I had a dream on my wedding night.
I dreamed of a child, carved in pink and jade, very cute, she was calling my father.
You know, I don’t want kids.
But in the dream, I couldn’t help holding her little hand, wanting to hug her, wanting to
kiss her.
The dream woke me up suddenly, and I was sweating all over.
It was Tanner who put his arm around my neck. I
don’t know where the boredom came from. I got up and went to the balcony and lit a
cigarette against the wind.
I suddenly remembered Jian Yan.
Suddenly, when I realized it, I felt at a loss. I shouldn
‘t, I think. When
she was here, I thought it was nothing, and when she left, it was just like that. A smoke wind smoked more than half, until the spark on the cigarette butt touched the skin of the finger and sent a
sharp pain, I woke up, I have been thinking about brief words. It’s two
in the morning.
The memory is finally fixed in Jian Yan. Today, raise your glass and say happy wedding to me.
She said, hello, Qin Lang, happy wedding.
I suddenly remembered that the first time I saw Jane Yan, she stood in the bustling crowd
, her face was very outstanding, but I first noticed her Burgundy dress.
Red is warm, but I hate it, not only red, but also warm.
I saw my dad and the secretary get together, and I couldn’t wait, and he told me they were
just in love.
Love? Warm?
Isn’t it ridiculous? I was taken over by her friend
that day, but I really hated her tight clothes.
She pulled a face and said stiffly, “Hello, Jane, happy birthday.”.
I thought it was the end, but I didn’t think it was the beginning. She said the same thing to me
today, but I didn’t reply because I didn’t know how to reply.
Thank you? I don’t know why, I can’t say it.
“What are you thinking?” The
sudden sound broke my train of thought.
Tanner put his arms around my waist from behind, and I flicked the ash from my fingertips.
Then he suddenly picked her up and went to the bed in the house.
I have something to prove. As soon
as Tanner was thrown on the bed, her hands were wrapped around her, and I closed my eyes and kissed
her neck urgently.
“Alang.”
She gave a little call. It hit my nerves
like a heavy hammer, and I stopped moving and got up from her
in a hurry.
“You go to bed first.”
I threw a few words to Tanner and went out. I shouldn
‘t, I think.
I lit the cigarette with a trembling hand, several times before I lit it, feeling the nicotine flowing from the nose
to the lungs, bringing a burst of pleasure, and I took a long breath out.
Don’t take it too seriously, Qin Lang, I told myself.
It’s just a friend with benefits. It’s normal to have a habit after sleeping for three years.
I really haven’t touched Tan Se all the time. My family urged me to get married. She
and I are just the tools of marriage. Each
takes what he needs, each plays what he wants, and there is a tacit understanding in the rich and powerful family.
I gave her face outside, and she dealt with the family, which we had discussed early in the morning.
Go ashore? Do
I deserve the rotten fish and shrimp like this.
That night I found time for a pack of cigarettes, and before dawn I went back to bed and fell into a deep sleep
, never dreaming again. When I remembered Jane
again, a week later, I accompanied Tan Se to look at the dress, and she picked out a red
fishtail skirt.
“It doesn’t look good. Change it.” I said with a cold face.
Tan Se was at a loss. “What’s the matter, Alang?”
“It doesn’t look good on you.” I lit a cigarette. I’ve been smoking more and more recently. I don’t know why, but it’s hard to control myself
.
“But I think it’s fine..”
“I said it wasn’t pretty.”
I was suddenly very irritable, as if something had been wrapped around my chest and was ready
to come out, and I was so depressed.
I stubbed out my cigarette. It was the fifth one I smoked.
Tan Se changed her skirt after all, but I became more and more upset until I drove
downstairs to Jian Yan’s house. I’ve been in
that house many times in three years, and never once was it dark.
But today it was hidden in the night, and there was no light.
I smiled silently and smoked another cigarette. When I turned around, I seemed to hear Jane
saying that she loved me hoarsely. I suddenly looked back and found that the street lamp was empty, only
my own shadow stretched long.
To be honest, I do miss her.
I looked up at the dark window and laughed even harder. What the
hell is going on here. When I get married, she won’t have any more problems with me, and she has a
good sense of proportion.
So I can continue to play outside, but I don’t want to be entangled with Jane any more.
Just a booty call, I guess.
It really doesn’t matter. There were several big and small gatherings in the
circle, and I never saw Jane again.
I told her to roll, and she rolled very simply.
Sometimes I think of Jian Yan, and there are more and more times like this recently.
When I found that the yearning for Jane Yan could not even be suppressed by cigarettes and alcohol, I realized that
there might be something wrong.
I keep denying, I keep doubting, and then I keep denying, and then I keep doubting, until I can’t
deny again.
I miss her.
Friends with benefits are broken. This is the rule in the circle.
But when I reappeared outside the house of Jane Yan, I sincerely suspected that I was not
a thing.
But I just want to see her, I want to see, this growing emptiness and yearning
, this feeling of scratching the heart and liver, is it a whim or a long time? Knocked three times, but no one answered.
Several times later, the opposite neighbor opened the door.
“No one has lived here for a long time. They’ve been gone for a month.”
My eyes narrowed sharply and my voice tightened.
“What did you say?”
“Nobody lives there anymore, a little girl. She moved early.” The sound of the door
closing amplified sharply in my ears. I licked my back teeth and felt my heart
sink to the bottom. Then an indescribable anger soaked my limbs
and bones for a moment.
That’s good. That’s very kind of you. In short.
I asked all my favorite friends around, but none of them knew the trace of Jane’s words.
Finally, I found Lin Ting.
At that time, Lin Ting was packing things in his villa.
I was suddenly enlightened, and the urgency and panic in my heart gradually subsided.
Did you send Jian Yan out? What’s the matter, getting ready for a double flight?
Lin Ting seemed to laugh, only looked up and asked me. “What’s it to you?”
It’s true that it has nothing to do with me, but I just feel that I don’t know where
the anger comes from, and it’s out of control.
This is the second time that Lin Ting and I have fought.
The last time was before we got married.
Lin Ting came to ask me why I let Tan Se insult Jane.
I laughed. What did
I say?
“What does it have to do with me?”
The Buddha said that all thoughts are the cause, and what we receive now is the result. Lin Ting and
I both had color on our faces.
Lin Ting refused to tell me the trace of Jane. It doesn’t matter. I thought, where
else can she escape? As long as I follow Lin Ting, I will always find her. As long as I want to find her, she can appear
in front of me.
When I looked back before I left, Lin Ting’s face was very pale, which I had never seen before.
At that time, I didn’t know why.
I’m just thinking about an old thing. When I had a girlfriend three years ago, Jane and I had a big fight.
The drama ended with nothing, and I was a complete winner.
But when she came to say goodbye to me, I was as upset as I was now.
She’s still playing hard to get, I think. People who are
kind enough to let you go won’t make a big show of it.
Then I might as well fulfill her and my own unwarranted thoughts at some time.
She cried and called her slapstick, but as soon as I touched it, I couldn’t extricate myself. I was so out of control that I felt
I had no reason to follow. I just wanted to, so I did it.
He even broke up with his new girlfriend at one point.
She thought I was drunk, and I only thought I was drunk, regardless of the consequences of a moment of greed.
Later, Jian Yan surrendered.
She fell into a deep sleep, but I opened my eyes in the dark. It shouldn
‘t be like this, Qin Lang. I looked at her red cheeks in
the moonlight.
This is nothing.
I managed to kiss her on the forehead. The moment my lips touched her forehead, I was like an electric shock, and I ran away immediately. I was so disgusted
with myself.
Love is the most vain thing.
Like what I’m doing now, it’s contemptible and dirty.
I told myself in my heart that she was just a
follower who was chasing after you. You see, she was not playing hard to get and waved back. There is no real love in
this world, but the false possessiveness and carnal desire
of human beings.
So I said that the next morning.
I had my back to her, but I could feel her heart falling apart at that moment.
As it happens, in short, I think, the beginning is extremely bad, unexpected, you
should get better, stop in time.
So that I won’t be conflicted.
But she didn’t.
You see, this woman is so ungrateful.
It’s just that since then, she’s been a different person.
I feel that this person is very familiar, and gradually she will be vivid, gradually wrapped in cocoons, into
another look. Later, I found out that it was myself.
In the past three years, she has become more and more like me, cold-hearted and heartless.
Even when I offered to break up, she said lightly that she would rather drown in the sea, and that there
were people who wanted to go ashore.
At that time, I thought it was very boring.
I can’t help but miss her who used to have vivid eyebrows and eyes, greed, anger and infatuation. It can
‘t go on like this, I think.
But Jane loves me so much that she can’t leave me, I think.
Later, I realized how ridiculous the word “think” was.
Lin Ting went abroad, and he gave me a big gift before he left. The words on that
piece of paper were dense, but I could only see the two that stood out:
abortion. Not to
mention the feeling, I just intuitively felt the blood of my whole body freezing
inch by inch, the spine stiff, the temperature loss, and the sharp
and suffocating pain of my chest three inches inward.
It hurts so much that I feel all the nerve endings in my body are spasming. How dare
she. Those indescribable pains were all transformed into strong and monstrous anger in a moment.
I had to confront her, I thought.
I sent someone to inquire about Lin Ting’s whereabouts and catch a plane to Philadelphia overnight.
It was the heaviest rain in a century in Philadelphia. When I
arrived at Lin Ting’s residence, I was soaked to the skin.
I frantically searched the room for the smell of simple words, but I didn’t notice it at all.
My heart sank to the bottom, and I grabbed Lin Ting by the collar and pressed him.
Lin Ting just looked at me coldly and asked me what I was crazy about.
“Is she not with you?”
I asked.
“Where did you hide her?”
Lin Ting smiled instead.
Smiling, smiling, eyes red.
I lost my strength in his reddening eyes.
How is that possible. How could Jian Yan escape from my world without saying a word.
Not even the slightest trace can be traced.
She didn’t tell anyone. Lin Ting was very good with her. Why didn’t she even tell Lin Ting
?
“I will always find her.”
I said to Lin Ting ferociously.
It shouldn’t be. She’s never been like this.
She was so afraid of the cold, the weather in October was so cold, she chased me barefoot hundreds of meters
away, fell down and muttered, she loved me so much, it seemed that I was the only one left
in the world, she cried so sad, as if losing me would lose everything.
She also said that she would accompany me to get married.
She kept saying she loved me.
She loves me so. Love me
so much.
It turns out that she.. Love me so much.
I stood in the pouring rain and suddenly fell to the ground as if I had lost my strength. The rain was pouring down with a chill, and Ling Chi was burning my
nerves because I missed that person to the bone.
Then I had a serious illness.
I always see Jianyan in the dream of hot and cold.
She stood alone and looked around, sometimes saying that she loved me uncontrollably, sometimes hating me deeply, sometimes
laughing, and sometimes crying, all of which turned into a scene,
asking me why I did this to her and whether she was guilty of the most heinous crimes.
I woke up from a dream. Two o’clock
at midnight. The
quiet night reflects my flurried heartbeat, lonely and desolate.
It’s like someone rubbing my heart round and flat, trampling it repeatedly, and finally throwing it away like an old shoe and turning it
into penniless garbage.
It hurts so much.
Abandoned, so painful.
She was also abandoned by me without mercy.
No wonder she didn’t want me. How do
we measure love? Look at the pain of separation. Painful but still eager to repeat the same mistakes.
It is sin and love.
Heaven and earth, can not be found anywhere, but time flies.
The next time I saw Jane was on Lin Ting’s birthday three years later.
I pushed open the door of the 1982 box. Jane sat in the middle and looked at me. At that moment, my heart
was about to jump out of my chest frantically. The blood of my whole body was clamoring. Before I opened my mouth, I
felt hoarse.
“Long time no see, Master Chin.”
Her voice like water flowed over, and I was at a loss, but my heart sank.
It’s too plain.
“This is my love.”
She smiled and introduced to everyone that the person around her was not Lin Ting, but another gentle and gentle
person.
I feel like a blow to the head. After
three years of fruitless searching, the thoughts and pains accumulated in the night came to me
, almost engulfing me and drowning me alive.
She has a new family. I was swept by endless loneliness, pain, how I want to pull her down this nose hell
, but I saw her face relaxed and brilliant smile, that moment, I lost my helmet
and armor, broken halberd sinking sand.
That smile was too bright and warm, just like when we first met. She was wearing a red dress in the middle of the dance
floor. She smiled and nodded to me and said, “Hello, Qin Lang, I’m Jian Yan.”
I should have lived in hell, someone pulled me into the world, took me to feel the world of mortals,
I should have been satisfied, but I wanted her to go to hell with me, I hurt a
person, personally killed this love, I made the biggest mistake in my life. But there is no chance to make up for
it. With my own hands
, I sent myself to a deeper hell again.
At the end
, Lin Ting said that Qin Lang divorced later, never married again, and had no children.
He said he had been looking for me for a long time. He said he loved me.
He asked me if I was willing, if I felt happy, if I felt revenge.
I just smiled.
I love the days of Qin Lang and try my best to leave no room
.
The Buddha says that all appearances are false.
Love is false, sin is false, ups and downs, if Changliangchuan, but also an experience, it is better to sing a song, feast carnival, indulge love and sin, after dawn, disappear.
Author: Du Kang
